Christmas office parties, lads

[Blinder Data]

Wahey it's the team's Christmas lunch tomorrow weeeeeyyyyy

We're going to get a normal £15 three course lunch before the same restaurant starts charging people £25 for a worse menu that includes turkey next week. Gonna get pissed and talk angrily about politics with workmates, can't wait

Thankfully no actual party is happening in the office as I can't stand getting drunk on work property. It just feels wrong, like being in a school during the holidays

There is a cross-divisional thing that happens in the downstairs of a pub next week which apparently is a riot, bald managers crying lager tears and cutting shapes to Last Christmas

What are your plans? Do you actually have a budget? To work in the private sector must be nice sometimes

[Cuellar]

Going Brasserie Blanc, gonna be a fucking nightmare.

[BlodwynPig]

4th floor of Mechanical Engineering building apparently on the 18th. No fucking way.

Will be joining the Maths people (not Pancreas though) for some food and bowling or something. Much more civilised.

[bgmnts]

Just me in a housing association flat on my own cry wanking, trying to cwtch up with my cat.

[BlodwynPig]

you what with your cat?

[Kryton]

I reckon you'll have some absolute bantz with the office legends.

[Noddy Tomkey]

My £30 allowance is going to the next homeless person I see. Stick that up your crap, HR!

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Not having one this year cause the company are tightarses. The extra savings will be spent on a big box full of white powder labelled 'administrative costs'

[Danger Man]

Team building away days, office parties.

Blinder Data is proof that parallel universes exist.

[peanutbutter]

so what're these link then? I've got one next Wednesday

[Ferris]

We have two, tomorrow and the Friday after. God help me.

[Sherringford Hovis]

Shavey Bonce will think that a cigar is a great idea despite being a fitness fanatic for 359 days a year, will Chong it like a rollie and throw up somewhere. Guaranteed chunks by 2130. Every couple of months.

Yarp will drink much more than anyone else but be unable to get a buzz on and be grudgingly fatherly towards the inebriates generally. Probably log on for a couple of hours overtime when he gets home.

Liverpool Fan will incessantly yap about any sport with anybody in any of the three or four pubs we crawl, so will either make new lifelong friends or get in a fight. Or both, often with the same person.

Obligatory Diversity Balkan's ridiculous handsomeness will get him tops and fingers within 20 minutes of arrival at every pub we visit. His mish-mash of vibes channelling Todd from Scrubs and borderline racist insurance meerkat is an unlikely but efficient mackerel-hammock moistener.

Lunk learned to interact with humankind purely through studying John Candy movies and Chris Farley routines. Every year I hug him because I'm convinced that it's gonna be his last Christmas - a West Country Belushi pogo-ing to The Wurzels with his demons.

Closet Stoner will have an economical pre-game bong and stay precisely twice as long as is actually enjoyable, to later wake in the middle of the night paranoid about whether anyone knew whether he was stoned. Closet Stoner's only two occasional toker team-mates have both left in the last eighteen months and he's really, really missing them.

Dad Of Five will have a great time and be a splendid fellow. Everyone likes him, the work night out is precisely one half of his social life for the entire year. He'll probably announce that he's gonna be Dad Of Six pretty soon: his lack of pull-out game has been heralded three out of the last four Christmases.

Almost teetotal Hilariously Machiavellian Boss will drop in and parsimoniously sip a half of cooking lager just long enough to see two people make absolute twats of themselves then reward them with extra responsibilities and greater prestige over the next six months.

Hat Guy will wear a hat.

Token Cougar will get speechlessly sloshed and it'll be embarrassing when her much-younger boyfriend half-heartedly gives us the evil eye when collecting her early because he's genuinely afraid of a couple of our workforce. Short-changed repeatedly by her own daughter working behind the bar at one of the pubs we go to.

Jug Eared Teen will attempt to drink at the same rate as Yarp, and have a mystical, life-changing near-death experience.

Ollie already knows everyone in every pub we visit. They're either his best mate or a complete cunt, and the feeling is mutual though not always correspondent.

Paintball Tackleberry will silently nurse a single pint of fruit cider all evening that he diffidently smuggles from pub-to-pub while running convoluted and improbable hostage-rescue scenarios in his head. Probably has the best evening out of all of us.

[Dex Sawash]

wanna be your edit glitch +1

[Huxleys Babkins]

Got mine next week. Started hating them now as we have an intake of about 20 new young Eastern European lasses from the agency every year and at least a couple of them are bound to want to get off with me - which is nice - but I also work with my partner so I have to tell them all to do one so she doesn't smash a wine glass and take my bollocks off on the dance floor.

That's not bragging, by the way. Our office is 90% female so they've got slim fucking pickings.

[Bobloblawslawbomb]

Short-changed repeatedly by her own daughter working behind the bar at one of the pubs we go to.

This line made me laugh a great deal.

[SteveDave]

Our departmental one is tonight and the whole company one is next Friday. I'm going to neither because fuck these Tory supporting cunts.

[Chollis]

Got mine next week. Started hating them now as we have an intake of about 20 new young Eastern European lasses from the agency every year and at least a couple of them are bound to want to get off with me - which is nice - but I also work with my partner so I have to tell them all to do one so she doesn't smash a wine glass and take my bollocks off on the dance floor.

That's not bragging, by the way. Our office is 90% female so they've got slim fucking pickings.

Any jobs going?

[Gregory Torso]

Any jobs going?

Seriously, where to send CV, pls

[Icehaven]

That's not bragging, by the way. Our office is 90% female so they've got slim fucking pickings.

Do they not know it's possible to meet people outside of work?

[poo]

Christmas office party is a boring cunt full of shit covered in piss. I will go.

[Cardenio I]

What kind of dogshit three course meal costs 15 quid?

[Blinder Data]

What kind of dogshit three course meal costs 15 quid?

Italian place, so

1. Minestrone/arancini/bruschetta
2. Chicken milanese/risotto/lasagne
3. Tiramisu/cheesecake

It's £14.95 actually and should be nice. That's pretty standard, right? Or are you in That London?

The thing I was meant to do this morning has been cancelled. Now I'm busting for a pint

[Cardenio I]

I am in That London but even in my native Liverpool 15 quid seems unusually cheap. Or have I just been here too long?

[Huxleys Babkins]

Do they not know it's possible to meet people outside of work?

Most of them are already attached...

Any jobs going?

Seriously, where to send CV, pls

I appreciate you lads wanting to muck in, but this is a burden I must face alone. :(

[Icehaven]

I did a 6 month part time secondment in a library years ago where there was a massive divide in loyalties between the 10 or so staff, with two very distinct groups who didn't get on at all. In the run up to Christmas I and the other person on secondment were approached by a member of each and furtively told about their side's Christmas meal (which they both referred to as 'the' Christmas do, as if it hadn't occurred to them that the others would be having one too), and asked not to tell anyone from the other group. It was ridiculous, and I didn't go to either as I suspected they'd just be massive bitching sessions about the opposing faction, when I wasn't there enough to have any opinion on any of them really. Apart from that they were all a bunch of playground level berks.

[Icehaven]

Most of them are already attached...

Fair doos, they must really enjoy awkward Monday mornings then.

[seepage]

Italian place, so

1. Minestrone/arancini/bruschetta
2. Chicken milanese/risotto/lasagne
3. Tiramisu/cheesecake

It's £14.95 actually and should be nice. That's pretty standard, right? Or are you in That London?

even near London that's about right for a mid-week 'special' e.g. £10.95 gets you:
Mozzarella Tricolore or Mussels Marinere or Lasagne or Vegetable Soup, followed by:
Turkey Milanese or Chicken Balsamico or Fish of the Day or a veggie pizza/pasta
& they should be able to throw in a dessert for 4 quid.

[Glebe]

[the]

That scene doesn't take place at an office Christmas party.

[Butchers Blind]

We have ours this Saturday.  Last year one of the guys here got hit by a bus after drunkenly walking into the road.  Hoping for an actual fatality this go around.