Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 29, 2024, 08:37:38 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Christmas office parties, lads

Started by Blinder Data, December 05, 2019, 09:52:13 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Pancake

There's only two of us so it'll be me, the boss, and a pair of freelancers we like but haven't worked with for at least 5 years, will be going to a local belgian pub (The Dovetail in Clerkenwell if you know it) to eat mussels and neck beer, which the boss will pay for in lieu of a bonus, I want nothing to do with it, I don't really like any of the people involved and the pub will be full of other rowdy christmas party cunts, at least we're not going to the slaughtered lamb, I suggested a change last year and we went to The Eagle but the one girl in our party spent the whole time moaning about the (very high quality and slightly portuguese) food, she always asks the kitchen of whatever pub we're in to make her a mug of coffee

Quote from: Butchers Blind on December 06, 2019, 11:56:56 AM
We have ours this Saturday.  Last year one of the guys here got hit by a bus after drunkenly walking into the road.  Hoping for an actual fatality this go around.

Have you polished your shoe?

Blinder Data

Quote from: Butchers Blind on December 06, 2019, 11:56:56 AM
We have ours this Saturday.  Last year one of the guys here got hit by a bus after drunkenly walking into the road.  Hoping for an actual fatality this go around.

A Saturday?! Unless you work on Saturdays and/or it's an extravagant piss-up on the company purse, that can fuck off.

Icehaven

A friend of mine's boyfriend used to work for the NEC Arena in Birmingham (it's called something else now), and they had an absolutely enormous free party every year, open bar, loads of entertainment on, chocolate fountains, the works, all paid for by the company. As a public sector worker it's the likes of which I've never seen, we get diddly squat.

Dex Sawash

Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on December 06, 2019, 11:01:46 AM
Most of them are already attached...

I appreciate you lads wanting to muck in, but this is a burden I must face alone. :(

Do you work in sex trafficking industry?

Mine actually sounds alright; they've hired a reasonably swanky little bar, you get an xmas card with a tenner in it on entry and a few glasses of prosecco...apparently the company director always does a long and boring speech though.

Also despite thinking I hopefully get on with everyone, I dont feel especially affiliated to any one group so theres the slight concern of turning up and just floating round awkwardly, puts me right off.

I'm just on the train back from Barry with a fender jazz bass I just bought and all so its whether I can tear myself away from that that's the biggest factor

Rich Uncle Skeleton

Quote from: Butchers Blind on December 06, 2019, 11:56:56 AM
We have ours this Saturday.  Last year one of the guys here got hit by a bus after drunkenly walking into the road.  Hoping for an actual fatality this go around.

How's ally doing these days

Butchers Blind

Quote from: Blinder Data on December 06, 2019, 12:19:36 PM
A Saturday?! Unless you work on Saturdays and/or it's an extravagant piss-up on the company purse, that can fuck off.

Yeah, some people have to work late on Fridays so Saturday it is.  Meal paid for and a limit on drinks.

Icehaven

Quote from: Butchers Blind on December 06, 2019, 12:49:39 PM
Meal paid for and a limit on drinks.

The company that used to run my workplace (but who my dept. isn't employed by so it didn't include us) had a hilariously scroogey sounding Christmas meal 'policy'. Each team had a certain amount allocated to them, which amounted to about £20 per person, but only a small percentage of that could be spent on drinks, and they had to pay for it themselves up front then bring the receipt in to claim the money back, so it could be checked to make sure they hadn't just gone to the chippy then spent the rest on pop. And only one receipt per team was allowed too, so the whole team had to go together, which given the size of some teams and the usual limited availability of everyone on the same night near Christmas meant a lot of people probably missed out. You rather got the impression it was designed to put people off bothering at all. Falalalala, la la la la.



SteveDave

The one Christmas "do" I went to, the office lothario- Darren (imagine a slightly over-inflated Robbie Williams), was doing "dirty dancin'" with two women. At one point he flung one around and she smashed into a wall, breaking her pelvis.

She was carted out of the Square Club on a stretcher and he was surrounded people telling him it wasn't his fault as he bawled his eyes out.

She was in a full body cast for months.

SteveDave


Blue Jam

Already had our Xmas pub quiz. My team came second. Free booze but I don't like to drink too much at werk things.

Lab lunch next week at a nice restaurant with some drinks afterwards. Will go for lunch but probably skip the drinks.

Xmas party which costs £15 per ticket for a buffet and "unlimited prosecco" which I am too scared to go to.

Xmas ceilidh which I am also too scared to go to.

TL:DR: You don't have to be a raging pisshead to work here, but it helps.

Butchers Blind

Quote from: SteveDave on December 06, 2019, 01:03:58 PM
The one Christmas "do" I went to, the office lothario- Darren (imagine a slightly over-inflated Robbie Williams), was doing "dirty dancin'" with two women. At one point he flung one around and she smashed into a wall, breaking her pelvis.

She was carted out of the Square Club on a stretcher and he was surrounded people telling him it wasn't his fault as he bawled his eyes out.

She was in a full body cast for months.

So far this wins.

bgmnts

Quote from: SteveDave on December 06, 2019, 01:03:58 PM
The one Christmas "do" I went to, the office lothario- Darren (imagine a slightly over-inflated Robbie Williams), was doing "dirty dancin'" with two women. At one point he flung one around and she smashed into a wall, breaking her pelvis.

She was carted out of the Square Club on a stretcher and he was surrounded people telling him it wasn't his fault as he bawled his eyes out.

She was in a full body cast for months.

Did everyone sign her cast?


Janie Jones

Quote from: Sherringford Hovis on December 06, 2019, 04:26:31 AM
...efficient mackerel-hammock moistener.


1990s Viz called and said actually you can keep your hateful misogynist rugby-club attempt at a humourous way of talking about women, maybe it'll impress someone at the Rotary Club New Years Eve Tarts and Vicars Party.

boki


imitationleather

If Darren was a true lad for months after he would have been strutting around the town saying, "The office Christmas party this year wasn't bad... Ended up being responsible for breaking a woman's pelvis! Not for the first time, if you know what I mean! Oioioioioioi!" Obviously he'd then have to clarify it was a double entendre and not bragging about persistent domestic violence, but I think people would still be impressed.

Janie Jones

Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on December 06, 2019, 07:02:31 AM
we have an intake of about 20 new young Eastern European lasses from the agency every year and at least a couple of them are bound to want to get off with me - which is nice...


I call bullshit but I see a few people, keen to perpetuate stereotypes about Eastern European young women, have run with it anyway, one of them being Gregory Torso, causing me my most crushing disappointment with a favourite poster since Castro Diaz had that toe-curlingly embarrassing wankfest with The Boston Crab :-(

Famous Mortimer

This is my first private sector job (a fancy University) and they seem absolutely desperate to have as many Christmas dos as possible. There's been one in one of the halls here, with a fully catered spread, the other day (I forgot about it til the day of, so I didn't bother going), then there's another one next week that you have to pay a tenner for but the amount of food and drink is - apparently - fantastic. Our team is having our own do at the same time, though, so I'm going to go to that (we all nominated a place then had a vote, and my favourite one won, nice).

This is a pretty crappy anecdote. Everyone who does this job is a middle-aged woman, apart from my mate Maria, so the chances of drink-fuelled fun are relatively small.

petril

Quote from: SteveDave on December 06, 2019, 01:03:58 PM
She was carted out of the Square Club on a stretcher and he was surrounded people telling him it wasn't his fault as he bawled his eyes out.

one for the deso thread there

petril

Quote from: the on December 06, 2019, 11:37:23 AM
That scene doesn't take place at an office Christmas party.

no but some prick will be itching to do the dance "ironically" anyway. with complete and sincere enthusiasm

flotemysost

My (already quite large) company merged with another large company, and for the first few years of this union they splashed out on big joint Crimbo bashes in a fancy venue, open bar, the works (only to make quite a lot of job cuts not long after, but that's another story). So it was essentially a massive room full of free booze and lots of people you'd never met before and wouldn't necessarily have to worry about running into the next day, as we were split across multiple offices.

I think my finest year was bumping into some guy I'd never seen before while crossing the crowded dancefloor en route to the bar (I was already trashed, as was he, evidently), and after some brief chat, enthusiastically agreeing to go back to his place. The conversation is hazy but I vaguely remember him asking me if I could do an Indian accent as it would really turn him on (no, really).

The heating in his flat was cranked to the max, so his ground-floor bedroom was like a sauna despite the window being open, which meant every passing ambulance etc. was clear as a bell. As we were both wasted, the sex itself wasn't up to much, the pièce de résistance being him slurring his horror afterwards upon finding out I was 25, as he'd thought I was 'MUCH older' (cheers for that.) (He was about 35, I think.) He then promptly passed out on the bed, still naked, which I took as my cue to quietly dress and leave.

Realised when I was standing in the street that I'd left my Oyster card on his bedside table (we'd got the night bus to his place), I didn't have contactless and I didn't want to pay for a taxi to the other side of London, so I hobbled across the flower bed and maneuvered myself back in through his open window, grabbed my Oyster (he was still asleep), clambered out again, and began my journey home to snatch a few hour's sleep before work the next morning. I don't think I'll ever top that for office party desolation.

This is everything that's wrong with the private sector, isn't it.

castro diaz

Quote from: Janie Jones on December 06, 2019, 02:51:42 PM
causing me my most crushing disappointment with a favourite poster since Castro Diaz had that toe-curlingly embarrassing wankfest with The Boston Crab :-(

Which time?

shiftwork2

Public / private sector divide very evident here.  Not aware that I've ever had a single penny spent on a Christmas party.  I do know that Lotus Cars up the road puts on an insanely lavish staff Christmas doo with endless champagne, fairground, carriages at 1am and a free turkey.  However I do have a gold-plated pension so that can all fuck off tbh.

Anyway, curry house in Caversham on the 19th with what's left of our little team.  Always a good night as it happens.

buttgammon

Free dinner and free bar all night next weekend. Considering I got smashed on wine and whiskey last time and threw up all over myself, I'm going to be cautious (i.e. not take the piss as much as usual).

Quote from: flotemysost on December 07, 2019, 11:39:39 AM
The conversation is hazy but I vaguely remember him asking me if I could do an Indian accent as it would really turn him on (no, really).

We're gonna need a bit more on this please.

Camp Tramp

Are any of you having your arms twisted to go to Xmas parties?