Christmas office parties, lads

[Ian Drunken Smurf]

Paintball Tackleberry will silently nurse a single pint of fruit cider all evening that he diffidently smuggles from pub-to-pub while running convoluted and improbable hostage-rescue scenarios in his head. Probably has the best evening out of all of us.

That's Mark François, isn't it? Think you've covered all the characters.

[flotemysost]

We're gonna need a bit more on this please.

Well, I'm half Indian (no trace of an accent though as I'm from here), which led to him bringing up this doctor he used to have who he found really sexy and he kept talking about her accent and how it was a massive turn on, and kind of weirdly implying that I might also be able to muster something similar.

I missed out the part where I was sick on my shoes as I waited for the bus home (didn't text anyone a photo of it though).

[bgmnts]

That would be bordering on racial fetishisation nowadays I believe. Pretty funny in a weird sort of way though.

The "I thought you were older" comment made me chuckle. Wanted to see that in real time.

[alan nagsworth]

I've got mine next Saturday. I work for a large and affluent company - we have about 8 offices in London and three in Asia - and they're treating us all to a three course meal at a very swanky London venue which promises to have acrobatics and magic performances. Most of you know the profession I work in so you can imagine how fucking mental this night has the capacity to be.

[bgmnts]

What is your profession?

[Pauline Walnuts]

We're gonna need a bit more on this please.

Goodness gracious!

[Better Midlands]

Well, I'm half Indian (no trace of an accent though as I'm from here), which led to him bringing up this doctor he used to have who he found really sexy and he kept talking about her accent and how it was a massive turn on, and kind of weirdly implying that I might also be able to muster something similar.

I missed out the part where I was sick on my shoes as I waited for the bus home (didn't text anyone a photo of it though).

Thanks, it's a good story and doctor addition adds some nice context.

[GMTV]

Made numerous cunts of it on Christmas nights out before. Now I'm just a boring bastard that folk probably wouldn't notice if I was there or not.

[The Boston Crab]

Gonna swerve it. I don't like people I work with seeing my hair let down. Gonna get plastered with my wife instead and do impressions of people on telly.

[Sherringford Hovis]

1990s Viz called and said actually you can keep your hateful misogynist rugby-club attempt at a humourous way of talking about women, maybe it'll impress someone at the Rotary Club New Years Eve Tarts and Vicars Party.

I'll show them your avatar first, they'll be equally impressed by your knee-slapping trivialisation of poverty and incest.

[Blue Jam]

Ducked out of this year's Secret Santa. Saved myself a trip to the charity shop. Bah humbug.

[Better Midlands]

I'll show them your avatar first, they'll be equally impressed by your knee-slapping trivialisation of poverty and incest.

That I believe, is what the young people call a "sick burn".

[Gregory Torso]

Gregory Torso, a crushing disappointment

My stupid low effort comment was not meant to be in support of any stereotypes of "eastern european" women or the sex trafficking industry, more a joke version of me being lonely and craving attention, but anyway, thanks for singling me out and highlighting my name so everyone can see what a massive arsehole I am.

Although to be fair, I did cringe pretty hard at the "mackerel hammock" comment.

[Bobtoo]

Are any of you having your arms twisted to go to Xmas parties?

In my last job you used to be strongly encouraged to go. It was a decent to if you like that sort of thing, mostly free bar too..

In my current job it's a lunch on the last day. We come in at 8am with our posh clothes on and hang around freezing in the workshop while the management have meetings. Late in the morning we are called through, get a little speech about how the year has gone and are given a little gift basket. Then we all go for lunch at whatever restaurant still had space when we booked it far too late. Once nearly everybody has finished eating somebody will leave, then everybody else will go. It's ok, we're getting paid for the time and finish early and I kind of prefer that to a proper party.

[Ham Bap]

I work in a large office which has multiple sites. No-one I work with day to day actually works in the same building and due to other factors such as working from home 90% of the time for the past 7 years means I don't really know many people from my site anymore.
The few people I did know at one time have all moved on.
So I don't bother with the main Christmas party, it would just be a bit awkward. Might as well rock up to a Christmas party for a company that I don't work with.

The people I do work with had a small pub gathering on Friday but I didn't go. It was near the other site.
Would have meant a 5 hour return bus journey for a pub lunch and some pints.
If the tables were turned and it was decided to have the Christmas do near where I work no-one would go so I don't make the effort.

So hello it's me the desolate Christmas Grinch though not on purpose.
I really love Christmas though but have the above dilemma every year.

I could book a hotel for the other site but I'd consider it a whole load of time, money and effort that would never be reciprocated by others.
Merry Christmas!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

toe-curlingly embarrassing wankfest

This is the Xmas party thread so what better place?

[alan nagsworth]

What is your profession?

Male escort.

[SpiderChrist]

Fuck Christmas parties. Bad enough having to share office space with the cunts, let alone "enjoy" their company in a forced jollity "come on, SpiderChrist, IT'S CHRISTMAS!" way.

[imitationleather]

Male escort.

My car's profession is Ford Escort.

[Ferris]

My car's profession is Ford Escort.

Mitsubishi Prostitute.

[alan nagsworth]

NISSAN FUCKMYARSE

[ArtParrott]

Worst - Company wide meal followed by dancing in a hired out pub in Hammersmith, got absolutely trolleyed and put in a cab home. Apparently I escaped the cab and went back to the party, where I was put in another cab and then made it to about half a mile of my flat and was helped home by some lady street drinker who I then invited inside (out of gratitude, not lustfulness) where my unsuspecting girlfriend was watching TV. After 5 minutes I passed out on the floor and my girlfriend had to give the lady a fiver to get her to leave. How I didn't get dumped the next day I don't know.

Biggest - Working for a major British broadcaster (not BBC) in 2016, they threw an enormous company wide party for 1000 or so people, including canapés, drinks, entertainment and posters with inspirational quotes like "Shine like a star" printed up everywhere. All this despite being the Xmas after the Brexit vote, which came with redundancies and general belt-tightening, so it felt like the money could have been better spent elsewhere. Oh and it was shite, obviously.

This year - Working from home and the office is 90+ miles away. They're going for lunch and drinks tomorrow and I'm sure it'll be nice as the team are a good bunch of varied ages/genders etc. but given it's a three hour round trip and a Monday, I cant really be bothered with it.

[Golden E. Pump]

Mine's on Friday.

Will never be as good as the time I was managing a team and caught a couple of them red-handed doing coke in the pub toilets. I kept the whole thing quiet in exchange for a line.

I no longer work in management.

[bgmnts]

Anyone drunkenly impregnated anyone yet?

[Jasha]

I call bullshit but I see a few people, keen to perpetuate stereotypes about Eastern European young women, have run with it anyway, one of them being Gregory Torso, causing me my most crushing disappointment with a favourite poster since Castro Diaz had that toe-curlingly embarrassing wankfest with The Boston Crab :-(

They do like their perfume though

[Ferris]

Anyone drunkenly impregnated anyone yet?

Yeah but no idea what that has to do with Christmas parties

[Emma Raducanu]

Mine's at junction 36 on the M6 Motorway.

It's actually a decent party venue. Just means you have to drive to get there.

[Non Stop Dancer]

I'll show them your avatar first, they'll be equally impressed by your knee-slapping trivialisation of poverty and incest.

He's got you like a good'n there I'm afraid.

[chveik]

had to do the reverse google thing to see what's the deal with Janie's avatar. grim stuff

[Janie Jones]

Wait, what, CaB has a problem with the Motherwell Train Station siblings now? I'm sorry, I thought it was one of our funny shared local newspaper things, like Guilty Ron or the old people with the chicken in a tin. I got loads of karma (sort of positive feedback we used to give back in the day) when I first started using it. I'm really sorry for any offence caused to all you people who are unhappy about it, I'll change my avatar.