The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2

[Dewt]

hush hush, eye to eyedey

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

I could never watch this programme, because Neil Morrissey's face, voice and hair are emetic.

I've probably missed out, but I'm just as God made me.

[Chedney Honks]

sounds like me takin a dump the morning after my mate Boner's stag

Another beauty from the Phil Minton thread.

[Ferris]

Another beauty from the Phil Minton thread.

That's a cracker.

[Cuellar]

Certainly made me watch it in a new light - howling.

[Retinend]

Another beauty from the Phil Minton thread.

also gave me a lot of laughs:

Gollum gasping for a wank
DJ Spike Milligan going mental in a dustbin
a baby discovering the ability of speech
do you put that on like Enya during a nice soapy bath?

[QDRPHNC]

Certainly made me watch it in a new light - howling.

Stop laughing at it. It's art. Jazz art.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Wrong gread

[dr_christian_troy]

My name is Popeye and I'm here to say,
My dick is flaccid every day,
All the blood runs to my arms,
And I pass out constantly,
Somebody please help me

[Pseudopath]

That is a corker. Nice one zomgmouse.

[non capisco]

Wow she's beefed up since the Really Wild Show.

Click for context.

[Captain Z]

Only the musician Phil Minton could've been:

Proof

[Ferris]

Atilla's breakfast that haunts them even now. Just completely unexpected and very funny.

Big enough to choke a swan.

It were 40 years ago, at least...

Some sort of 'breakfast bar' as part of a hotel restaurant that also did brunch meals for non-residents, gib. We was comin' back from Church. We'd just been to Mass. The Catholic Mass. About a few hundred old folks went into the restaurant. Meal went down in two hours.

Didn't see the first swan for about a half-hour. Creamcheese. 13-footer. You know how you know that in the buffet, gib? You can tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was that our brunch was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, gib,  creamcheese swans come cruisin' by, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the infantry squares in the old calendars like the Battle of Waterloo and the idea was the creamcheese swan come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and sometimes that creamcheese swan he go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away.

Sometimes that creamcheese swan looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a  swan is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'... 'til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The buffet turns red, and despite all your poundin' and your hollerin' those creamcheese swans come in and... they rip you to pieces.

You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred old folks there for the all-you-can-eat. I don't know how many creamcheese swans there were, maybe a thousand. I do know how many old ladies, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin', gib, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boson's mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. He slumped against the buffet table, face down in the butter, he was like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist.

At noon on the fifth day, a busboy swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. gib here, anyway he spotted us and a few hours later a big ol' fat waiter come over and give my parents the bill. You know that was the time I was most frightened. Waitin' for my turn. I'll never est out at a Sunday buffet brunch again. So, few hundred old folks went into the restaurant. 316 old folks and me come out, the creamcheese sawns took the rest, June the 29th, 1945.

Anyway, we stopped for ice cream afterwards."

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

also gave me a lot of laughs:

Gollum gasping for a wank
DJ Spike Milligan going mental in a dustbin
a baby discovering the ability of speech
do you put that on like Enya during a nice soapy bath?

Most of those entries also quite suitable for the " Fictional Band Names" thread.

[touchingcloth]

Atilla's breakfast that haunts them even now. Just completely unexpected and very funny.

I just want to see an all-swan version of Jaws now. Beaks. A swan being cut open to reveal human remains; a young couple destroyed by swans; a vain mayor refusing to believe the swan threat; a swan with a fire extinguisher in its gullet being blown to FUCK.

[touchingcloth]

In year 5 we went to Titan, the largest moon of Saturn. Mum had to become a prostitute for a bit to pay for it. Jamie Dilks got bollocked for flicking the V's at Cape Canaveral a couple of minutes after liftoff. Of course we all mooned the Moon, and thought that was well funny and original! It was ostensibly a science trip to study the hydrocarbons on Titan, but we spent more time bunking off and buying cheap cider on Iapetus. Bill Barry tried huffing the hydrocarbons and got sick and had to be sent to hospital. I think this is also where the lads taught me how to wank, this was in no way gay though.

In year 6, we went to Dell Farm and Jimmy Kirk tried to ride a pig like a horse and fell off and broke his face.

[Ferris]

I just want to see an all-swan version of Jaws now. Beaks. A swan being cut open to reveal human remains; a young couple destroyed by swans; a vain mayor refusing to believe the swan threat; a swan with a fire extinguisher in its gullet being blown to FUCK.

It was so unexpected I actually didn't spot it as a Jaws reference until the 3rd time through.

At that point, the repurposing and the previous laughs had made me #GUFFAW so much it only felt fair to stick it in here anyway.

[Attila]

It was so unexpected I actually didn't spot it as a Jaws reference until the 3rd time through.

At that point, the repurposing and the previous laughs had made me #GUFFAW so much it only felt fair to stick it in here anyway.

And sadly, no one followed it with 'We're gonna need a bigger bagel.'

(Ta, FWB, for the shoutout :)

[Doomy Dwyer]

Very ill. Spent about a week in a coma and apparently was only given a small chance of survival but he pulled through.

He does not look a well man though.

Maybe red just isn't his colour.

Guffawraiser: Twit 2

[Chedney Honks]

"We have the greatest ants in the world."

[non capisco]

Guffawraiser: Twit 2

Ha ha ha, that is a belter!

[Ray Travez]

Ate a sprout once that winked at me as it was going in. Thought that was a bit weird.

[SpiderChrist]

As a profession, vets are not to be trusted. Ostensibly haloed in furry altruism rooted in many a child's dream of "working with aminals", they actually engage you in a merciless game of "how much will you pay for Sparky's life", at the end of which they will judge you for not going higher. Cf. Saab owners.

[holyzombiejesus]

Fuckers going nrraaaaooo at me.

[Blue Jam]

It's a good thing if they've developed anty bodies.

Captain Z, you are going to Hell and so am I.

[wosl]

"We have the greatest ants in the world."

Love this.

[Dex Sawash]

From the that's all I got thread

A new ill advised Donald Duck short called 'Quack Lives Matter' that they show you in the queue at Disney World

[DoesNotFollow]

Seeing your dads google searches include "how to haev sex wiith girls" "woman pussy" "big boobs" and "lego Star Wars"

Had me giggling again when I remembered it later in the shower as well.

[Neville Chamberlain]

Had a proper old guffaw at this, from the 'What is your favourite Miles Davis album?' thread:

Size of a Cow

[Sebastian Cobb]

To be extra safe I've started wearing a condom if I'm going to be within 5m of any children.