The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2

[Huxleys Babkins]

Also from that mask thread:

Turns out the woods were privately owned by the old man I was trying to keep away from.  He decided that it was his duty to try and catch and fight me.

[Rizla]

Twonty Gostelow's MoF Danny Baker thread is SPUN GOLD

[Twonty Gostelow]

Thanks! I wrote a few where his evening journey from Sunny Jim to drunk and angry over the space of a few hours was much more OTT, but I lost my nerve.

[SpiderChrist]

How's about we put up a statue?

Then it could be torn down by a vengeful mob next time you act the cunt.

[SpiderChrist]

And those of us who have spent years shovelling twisted corpses into lime pits will look over and say "there he goes - laughing at nothing again. Cunt just laughs".

[Smeraldina Rima]

[Rizla]

Thanks! I wrote a few where his evening journey from Sunny Jim to drunk and angry over the space of a few hours was much more OTT, but I lost my nerve.

just do a new thread called Matter of Fact Danny Baker *Nights*

[Twonty Gostelow]

But what if he sees it? Ronnie Barker and The Two Ninnies all over again.

[Chedney Honks]

Think of all that time you'll save not taking out her bins. Time for a new hobby.

[canadagoose]

One place I worked at had compostable cutlery in the canteen, jet black cutlery, very solid construction, which was surprising as I'd expected compostable cutlery to be quite feeble. My sustainable practice is to carry around a permanent fork for re-use, usually unwashed to reduce my water-footprint.

In time I intend to go implement-neutral, we have all these needless tools to do things our hands can do perfectly well by themselves. Case in point, this guy was wandering down Euston Road with a litter picker today, picking up litter, plastic litter-picker, and I asked him this "how much pacakaging did your litter-picker come in buddy, see?" and he said loads of packaging that he threw in the sea and then I said "How much packinging your hands come in buddy, ahhhh!" and he burst into tears.

We have to do better.

[Twit 2]

Joyous.

[ZoyzaSorris]

How he does it I have no idea. A once in a generation odd genius.

[DistressedArea]

Sometimes I take my poos out of the toilet and try to put them back up my bum

[willy crossit]

imagine kicking miyamoto as hard as you could in the bollocks right outside HQ

[Kelvin]

Just caught the end of the Sonic Hedgehog movie where we find out that the titular hero... also sleeps in a racecar bed. Just like our Graham...
Suggestion for a HIGNFY Odd One Out round - Graham Linehan, Kirk Van Houten, Sonic The Hedgehog and Porsche 956?

[The Mollusk]

(1942. Captian Tom walks with his zimmer frame into the bar at British Army HQ in Bombay. He is wearing traditional Burmese dress and is accompanied by a ten year old Burmese boy. He has been absent without leave for four months. He orders two lemonades. The bar is packed with officers who are all staring at Captain Tom and the boy aghast at the breach of etiquette. Some of them can be heard telling him to 'clear off'. A senior officer enters)

Colenel: Look here Moore, what's this all about? Explain yourself

Captain Tom: We have taken Rangoon. And Singapore

Colenel: Taken Rangoon? Singapore? Who has?

Captain Tom: We have. Our side in this war has.

Colenel: You mean the Japanese have gone?

Captain Tom: No, they're still there but they have no boots.

Captain Tom: Prisioners, sir. We took them prisoners. The entire garrisons.

Colenel: That's impossible

Captain Tom: Yes it is. I did it. Cross my heart and hope to die, its all perfectly true.

(There is an extended silence as the magnitude of what Captain Tom has achieved sinks in. The silence is broken by the hurried footsteps of a radio operator who enters from the rear of the bar)

Radio Operator: Sir, we're still hearing normal Japanese radio traffic from Rangoon and Singapore. The Japanese are still there, sir.

(Captain Tom is grinning)

Colenel: Moore! What's the meaning of this? What the bloody hell have you been doing for the last four months?

(Captain Tom pushes his zimmer frame forward towards the centre of the room, he is surrounded on all sides by the other officers. When he is in position and has everyone's attention, he grasps his zimmer frame and makes a slow thrusting motion with his groin. He makes gutteral sexual noises)

Colenel: Fuck's sake Moore, not again!

[Rich Uncle Skeleton]

Sometimes I take my poos out of the toilet and try to put them back up my bum

Woke my girlfriend at nearly 4am trying not to laugh at this one. Always hoped making absurd Paulie quotes would happen but now it feels like it's already peaked with this one so what's the point in the rest of us trying to do more.

[Wonderful Butternut]

I've already played the card twice, so I kinda can't again anyway.

At least not for a while.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Love Jeff Bezos. Want to rub my bollocks on his head.

[Pingers]

Interesting idea about the spirit transference.  I am inhabited by the souls of a billion billion lentils.

[Retinend]

Somebody told me.

[the]

There is a context to this but it's not essential

Penis Beaker's Day Off

[DoesNotFollow]

You're just about to have a nice afternoon kip when the arsehole next door starts doing really loud gardening.

I know 'loud gardening' could be mowing or hedge-trimming but I imagine it as some raucous trowelling or something.

[Shit Good Nose]

(see thread for context)


Trying to explain to Mrs and little Nose why I was breathless and crying through laughing wasn't going anywhere.  Fuuuuuck me.

[touchingcloth]

I know 'loud gardening' could be mowing or hedge-trimming but I imagine it as some raucous trowelling or something.

We keep chickens in the garden, and "gardening" is what I tell my wife I'm up to when I head down the garden to plough my way into an egg hole.

[Dex Sawash]

[Annie Labuntur]

^ Superb.

[Dex Sawash]

Cute name for a gerbil.

[Rich Uncle Skeleton]

Did anyone notice the demon face in the fire?

[Blue Jam]

walkin' down the street