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The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2

Started by madhair60, December 06, 2019, 09:38:50 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

magval

This classic from Gregory Torso which has only ONE reply and deserves a renewed appreciation.

Quote from: Gregory Torso on July 04, 2018, 02:13:03 AM
First up, let me get something straight out of the gate, I don't give a fuck about Frank, ol' blue balls, ol' cigarette eyes, the velvet thug. I don't like things that "swing" or are "easy", and there's a lot of residual 90s revival bullshit that clings to this type of music like smoke off a damp bonfire. Guys with jackets draped over their shoulders trying to walk like John Travolta.

But this record, this got me through some times. Really low down gutter times.

Fuck reissued, remastered, polished expanded editions. You need to find this record in a cavernous warehouse of discontinued telephones and mirrors, between teetering stacks of rotting settees. Find it down the back of a feral sofa, or in a skip, or down in the drains, dust it off, wipe the sludge from its jacket and be ready for a soul-cleansing.

Here is how to listen to Frank Sinatra -

IN PAIN

pain like a mafioso head honcho just stole your best girl and even though you're the number one biggest name in showbiz there's fuck all you can do about it.

Look at this cover, look at this shit. Frank looks like a ghost hood, his hat is transparent, he's loving it, floating through a washed-out crowd of cardboard dancers.

Imagine knocking that up and taking it to Frank and he says "Yeah, baby, that's the good stuff, me looking like a dead gangster absolutely loving being a ghost and haunting this ballroom full of vague people. Sweet"



Listen to Frank through a blear of unwanted early morning sunshine as your guts roll with cheap gin, and you look at pictures of your ex girl through the fractured fat shapes of the bottles.
Listen to Frank in an empty bath staring for hours at the crack in the ceiling to see if it gets bigger or if the whole plastery fuck just caves in on you
Listen to Frank as you puke into your broken toilet begging god to stop cramming his fingers down your throat.

Some highlights,

"Night And Day" - the name of a 24hr shop in Leeds that I once walked to barefoot at 3 in the morning to buy 10 lambert & butler and a copy of Asian Babes, easily the most dangerous thing I've ever done.

"I Wish I Were In Love Again" - a song about wanking. Check out this lyric: "When love congeals it soon reveals the faint aroma of performing seals". That is about the smell of cum.

"I Got Plenty Of Nuttin" - oh Frank you naughty boy, you mean you've done plenty of nutting. You've been stirring your spoon in another man's soup you dirty little dog and now you've got to do 50 nights in a row at some mafia-fronted fake club called The Magenta Lady's Knickers if you value your legs.

"Stars Fell On Alabama" - beautiful song, "my heart beat like a hammer, the iron bar cracked the stool pigeon's skull, and tyre irons fractured snitches last night"

"I Won't Dance" - Scrambled Frank on a bed of love lettuce.

Frank is coming to buy you a drink that you are not allowed to look at while he mixes it.

Frank is coming to live inside your bones and whisper into the acoustic curve of your inner skull "i got no body, i got no mind, i got no misery"

Frank is coming to bury you under his jaguars.

Frank says raise the portcullis I'm a-comin' aboard.

SWING IT FRANK

Replies From View



Pseudopath

A predictably excellent (if shockingly overlooked) piece of work from Mr Torso, but the broken YouTube link on the last line made me roar.

Twit 2

I liked it at the time, because I am the best at liking Torso.

pancreas



Ferris

Quote from: Twit 2 on November 24, 2020, 06:39:31 PM
I liked it at the time, because I am the best at liking Torso.

He's a poor man's Ferris. All the smart people say so.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: Twit 2 on November 24, 2020, 07:22:05 PM
We'll call it a draw.

These grovelling sycophants flaying the skin from each others bones.

Much like the Apple corporation, artificial scarcity of Torso has starved his subjects to pliancy. It was all in the plan, an Afflicted Baked Huizhou, spluttering flecks of meringue into the oven walls.


imitationleather

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 24, 2020, 07:29:44 PM
He's a poor man's Ferris. All the smart people say so.

I was going to wholeheartedly agree with this until I saw which dickhead had posted it. You can tell a lot about someone from who their fans are and as a result I now hate Ferris.

Ferris

Quote from: imitationleather on November 24, 2020, 07:42:58 PM
I was going to wholeheartedly agree with this until I saw which dickhead had posted it. You can tell a lot about someone from who their fans are and as a result I now hate Ferris.

Uh oh looks like someone just admitted to being not smart!

Lisa Jesusandmarychain


Paul Calf



touchingcloth

Quote from: Paul Calf on November 25, 2020, 08:50:36 AM
I think you should have a like-off.

Is that something to do with the twins poo keeps talking about?

Butchers Blind

Quote from: JaDanketies on November 25, 2020, 11:10:52 AM

Can I just give some respect for the stoicism that One Man One Jar displays. He's not concerned at all, he's not running around and calling the ambulance and screaming in terror. He just gets on with it. I made a bigger deal out of banging my knee the other day.

JaDanketies



Replies From View

maybe next time try a jam that has both the brand name 'hero' and a fruit name or flavour with 'hero' lanced through it on some level


then the aardmanherobeien or whatever would be like "we have hero inside ourselves, do you see" and it would be far cleverer of you to have gone to all that effort.  I would have applauded it.



Jerzy Bondov

Quote from: JamesTC on November 25, 2020, 01:59:47 PM
When a kid, I set a reminder on my mate's Sky TV for "Anal Cream Pie" at 9pm. I like to think his parents were watching when the reminder popped up.

This programme is about to start
Anal Cream Pie   9.00pm XXX TV
This got me wheezing

magval

buttgammon's avatar/text combo, which I don't know how to link to so will just recreate:



"Leave him Tony, he's not worth it"

buttgammon

Thank you! This is going to be my Christmas's avatar every year now.

magval

Great observation mate I've been chuckling all night and did indeed GUFFAW out loud, earlier once.


Bernice


idunnosomename

HNNNG



sorry hans you are a good boy and would never disingenuously invade iraq and destroy the labour movement.

buttgammon

Quote from: idunnosomename on November 27, 2020, 12:38:54 AM
HNNNG



sorry hans you are a good boy and would never disingenuously invade iraq and destroy the labour movement.

Brilliant! All we're missing is Ron.

jenna appleseed