Author Topic: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2  (Read 195182 times)

notjosh

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1890 on: January 21, 2021, 10:49:25 AM »
From Film cliches you want to fuck off:

First gun lesson:
"Squeeze the trigger, don't pull it."

It's an important lesson. Trigger pulling leads to falling through the bar.

Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse

  • Living proof of everything wrong with the world
Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1891 on: January 21, 2021, 11:02:18 PM »
Under the European Union General Data Protection Regulation we're entitled to know for what purpose ... oh wait, never mind.

Paul Calf

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1892 on: January 22, 2021, 08:27:42 AM »
Quick retort from daf:

Anything left of Pinochet

He's mostly compost by now, I would have thought.


buttgammon

  • Leave him Tony, he's not worth it
Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1894 on: January 23, 2021, 04:09:48 PM »
^ Not only funny, but also completely accurate too.

Bernice

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1895 on: January 23, 2021, 05:47:09 PM »
Yeah that's good.

Dirty Boy

  • drain the cup of misery... to the dregs!
Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1896 on: January 23, 2021, 05:56:03 PM »
The main one I remember is us all being made to get into groups of four and compose and then perform a Christmas song, the "winning" song would then go on to be performed in front of the whole school and whichever parents could be fucked to turn up at some kind of festive evening. Naturally, none of us were up for this and so you had an entire class of kids in groups of four competing to write the worst, most inappropriate Christmas song they could. Just loads of songs with one kid playing one note on the keyboard while the other three "sang" something in monotone along with it. "Here-come-the rein-deer. They-are-good", like bored Daleks.

We decided to go route one offensive and do a "punk rock" song about getting flame throwers for Christmas and setting fire to our nans or some such sub-Vyvyan shit. Our main problem was we unexpectedly saddled the verses with a chorus that was comparatively catchy enough that I can still remember it to this day. It went like this. The keen eared musicologists amongst you will have heard that requires two notes on a keyboard, not just one. One of our group was directly related to a member of the soft metal band Thunder, I blame him for our inadvertent stumble into melodic competence. My original vision of the song was more earthy and basic but I was shouted down by the I dunno cousin was it of one of the 'Backstreet Symphony' hitmakers. Fatally insisted on that extra note. Calm down, Beethoven.

So we had to sing that bollocks for two nights running (yes, there was an extra night added through overwhelming pubic demand) in front of the whole school and their parents, and they made us change all the lyrics about nan immolation to a load of utter pablum about building snowmen. They let us keep the lyric "Morning time, christmas cheer. Dad's in bed....too much beer!" but the suggestion of the music teacher was that we "pause for the laugh" after this bit. Fucking tumbleweed, wunnit? Probably a load of dads thinking "Eurrgghhh, rumbled. The boy's onto my functional alcoholism."

Many years later a ravaged looking goblin of a man I didn't recognise drove past me slowly in Meopham and sang "IT'S CHRISTMAS! IT'S CHRISTMAS! LA LA LA LA LA, IT'S CHRISTMAS!" before speeding off. Dunno who that was. One of Thunder, maybe.
So much lol crammed into a single post, that last bit takes it through the stratosphere for me.

Make sure you click the link.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1897 on: January 23, 2021, 05:58:40 PM »
So much lol crammed into a single post, that last bit takes it through the stratosphere for me.

Make sure you click the link.

That’s brilliant

canadagoose

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1898 on: January 24, 2021, 11:08:46 PM »
The twat can eat a dog egg as far as I'm concerned.

Kelvin

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1899 on: January 25, 2021, 05:38:22 PM »
Replies from View in the Godzilla vs King Kong thread. The whole post was funny, but the last line really slayed me.


how about a film where there is a giant ape monster thing, really massive to the point where you are baffled

and also a giant lizard monster thing that breathes fire, also huge but with less of a frame of reference


and they stomp around on these “leg” things all day smashing stuff up




then one day they notice each other.  they cross paths somehow and they’re like “eh up” and start eyeballing each other


and for most of the film they’re eyeballing each other and you get to see all the latest up to date deep-fake technology in the giant ape monster’s face.  it should have an uncanny valley thing going on



then the ape one starts swinging a bin lid around his head using webbing, and just as the bin lid is about to smash into the lizard one’s head:  end film


yeah?  and their names could be “flotsam” for the lizard one and “ning” for the ape one

notjosh

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1900 on: January 25, 2021, 08:47:06 PM »
So much lol crammed into a single post, that last bit takes it through the stratosphere for me.

Make sure you click the link.

That's great! Somewhat reminiscent of James Acaster's La La La La Humpty story.

Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse

  • Living proof of everything wrong with the world
Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1901 on: January 25, 2021, 10:04:33 PM »
howling

Ohhhhhhhhhh I've ruined my life, I've ruined my life
I'm a stupid old cunt
And I've ruined my life

Ooooh Yooou...
Charge for replies, you charge for replies,
You're running out of platforms to peddle your lies,
You charge for replies, you charge for replies,
You're a fucking mental bigot and you've got wonky eyes.

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1902 on: January 25, 2021, 11:42:18 PM »
well then I have to give props to this

The Glinny Bears
TERFing here and there and everywhere
Ruining their lives beyond repair
They are the Glinny Bears

it's the third line that made me crack up

Blue Jam

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1903 on: January 26, 2021, 12:00:00 AM »
"...and you've got wonky eyes" made me giggle. Think Cold Meat Platter won our little Glinner-themed Song Wars.

icehaven

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1904 on: January 26, 2021, 12:44:47 AM »
Quote from: The Mollusk
The first time I watched Eraserhead I got about 15 minutes into it before I realised the fucking telly was muted. There’s no dialogue for ages, I thought it was setting a mood with total silence.

Made me laugh partly as it's exactly the sort of thing I'd do myself.

shiftwork2

  • pies this is your time
Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1905 on: January 26, 2021, 01:50:07 PM »
This is hands down the funniest thing I've seen on CaB this year.  I lost it at Morning Candles and continued to lose it.

As much as I despise the vast majority of their political commentators, I reserve special ire for whoever writes The Measure in the magazine on Saturdays.


Going up

Cloud socks It’s too summery for house clogs. Try these cashmere socks, which look (and feel) like clouds.

Darn-core Toast has online classes to teach you how to mend your clothes, while Grenson now has a shoecycling repair service. Fashion: Saving you a pretty penny.

Hi, fidelity Tower Records is back (online at least). Time to get your vinyl thrills in.

Morning candles If the only thing that got you through December was putting the Christmas tree lights on at 7am, try a breakfast candle.


Going down

Pavement scooters To quote Tina Wilcox in Jaws 2: “Please make it go away.”

Beersteria We thought the worst thing about Tier 4 was pubs closing. Turns out we miss galleries more. Roll on Turner at the Tate.

Celebrity wine Forget about it. Now Elon Musk’s Tesla does tequila, we’ll have what he’s having.

Hollywood hotties In the spirit of 2020, utterly weird crushes dominated the US election coverage, with everyone going gaga for the geeky newscasters.

https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/series/the-measure

Why would anyone willingly write that?

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1906 on: January 26, 2021, 02:04:54 PM »
why would I eat a candle for breakfast

Sebastian Cobb

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1907 on: January 26, 2021, 02:23:37 PM »
Made me laugh partly as it's exactly the sort of thing I'd do myself.

These two tickled me as well:

Years ago, my girlfriend said she really wanted to see the film "Kicking and Screaming", which I'd never heard of. In Fopp, shortly before her birthday, I noticed a Kicking and Screaming DVD and thought "what luck".

But rather than 1995 Noah Baumbach debut she wanted, I gifted her the 2005 Will Ferrell vehicle of the same name, about a kids soccer team.

I did a great windup on a flatmate once, where we were flicking about channels, only to end up on 'Step up 2:  The Streets', which is some absolute shite film about 'street' break dancing.  He was about to keep on flicking when I told him to wait, that 'there's this amazing scene in a minute, honestly it's absolutely sick'.

Ended up watching the entire rest of the film (45 minutes worth).  There was no amazing scene, I knew there wasn't one.  I just wanted him to watch a shit film.

non capisco

  • Don't wanna hear those vile trumpets anymore
Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1908 on: January 26, 2021, 02:56:38 PM »
^ Sonny Jim, are you the same person who told me there's a bit in the Smiths biography 'The Severed Alliance' where Morrissey kicks off at Mike Joyce for always watching He-Man on the tour bus? If not you've got an identical modus operandi.

imitationleather

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1909 on: January 26, 2021, 04:00:26 PM »
I'm only He-Man,
Of flesh and blood I'm made,
He-Man,
Born to make mistakes

Thomas

  • please describe an encounter with a squirrel
Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1910 on: January 26, 2021, 04:03:31 PM »
Ohhh, you've turned on He-Man
You've turned on He-Man
Though I said to switch it off
You've turned on He-Man

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1911 on: January 26, 2021, 11:16:32 PM »
Well I wonder,
Do you hear me when you sleep,
I hoarsely cry (I have the power)

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1912 on: January 26, 2021, 11:58:28 PM »
Panic on the steps of Grayskull
Dublin, Dundee Skeletor

non capisco

  • Don't wanna hear those vile trumpets anymore
Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1913 on: January 27, 2021, 12:37:48 AM »
"I was looking for a job, and then I found a job / And heaven knows, I'm miserable now / In my life, why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die?"
                                               :- Beast Man

Chedney Honks

  • When life gives u no hair, ball spin
Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1914 on: January 27, 2021, 04:56:37 AM »
"I was looking for a job, and then I found a job / And heaven knows, I'm miserable now / In my life, why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die?"
                                               :- Beast Man

Absolutely fantastic.

easytarget

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1915 on: January 27, 2021, 07:02:57 AM »
Belligerent ghouls
Run Eternia schools

Paul Calf

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1916 on: January 27, 2021, 07:22:46 AM »
He-Man in a tutu
He's not strange
He just wants to live his life this way.

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1917 on: January 27, 2021, 07:38:58 AM »
She-ra Take a Bow

canadagoose

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2
« Reply #1919 on: January 27, 2021, 12:35:05 PM »
assholes assholes assholes, tits and bums and cocks
penises and lady parts and semen in your socks
nipples on a pair of jugs and fourteen day old cum
there's a spectre haunting Europe and it's coming from your bum

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