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The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2

Started by madhair60, December 06, 2019, 09:38:50 AM

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Glebe

Mr. F killing it again:

Quote from: Mr Farenheit on May 27, 2021, 04:34:23 PM



As David Dickinson awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed into the star of a 6 part series on Mike Ashley's 'INSECT NETWORK' TV channel.

"Honestly, I had no idea what I was signing up to!" David explained to me recently on a Skype call from his penthouse suite in the BT Tower. "I'd been talking to Mike Ashley's people about doing personal appearances in House of Fraser stores and went to meet Mike in person to close the deal.

As was usual with Mike Ashley the contract was signed in a pub and there were copious amounts of lager involved. "I've been around and even had a brush with H but I'd never seen drinking like it," said Dickinson. "Mike had already downed three pints in the first 15 minutes and the boozin' didn't stop there! At one point me and Mike were both on our knees throwing up in the pub fireplace."

"I don't remember much of the evening but somehow the contract changed from in-store appearances to fronting a new show on a TV channel Mike had just bought. The bloody 'Insect Network' if y'can believe that!"

Ashley himself filled me in on the details David was too smashed to remember: "I'd bought a TV channel so I could strip its assets then sell it to some mug!" belched the cockney mogul on a call from- you guessed it- a pub. "But we 'ad to keep up some appearances so I commissioned a show. David Dickinson showed up in me office the next day and I thought 'eres me fackin show!"

The next morning Dickinson woke up with a raging hangover to find a vomit-and-lager-stained (but legally binding) contract with his name on it!

At that point no-one knew what the show would be. "David was the star and it 'ad to be abaaht insects," explained Ashley. "That's all we 'ad to go on so I called a brain-storming session at the pub wiv the board. Someone said it should be a nature documentary about ants or somefink wiv David narrating. I thought faaaak that, it'll cost me an arm an a leg. Let's just put the cant in a cockroach costume!"








David had no luck pitching alternative plans and reluctantly had to go along with the premise. "I was not best pleased but I tried to make the best of it," explained the consummate professional.

A special human sized cockroach suit was commissioned from the biology department of Southend University which David would be wearing for the full month of shooting. Wearing the tightly fitted suit was no picnic and it took a full three hours to get on and off. It was so much trouble that by the third week David decided to just wear the suit permanently!
 
In the infamous series David attempted to navigate basic daily life- as a cockroach! "It was certainly a challenge!" he relates. "The thing was me natural position in the suit were horizontal and one foot off the floor! It took me a month to get used to manoeuvring the legs, it makes all sorts of daily functions- like eating a fry-up- really awkward!"









In one shoot they had me go into Waterstones to buy an antiques book but it was right at the top and I made a right mess trying to clamber up the shelves!"

There were some bright moments though and after some time David grew to love life as a cockroach. Some of his fondest memories of the show include learning to slip under people's doors and the time when he caused havoc on the London underground!








"Looking back, it was one of me weirder televisual adventures but I'm proud of the work we did raising awareness of the daily challenges our six-legged friends face!" the insincere antiques star told me. Just then our call was interrupted with a loud cry from David then loud banging noises and what sounded like "Got yeh, y'bastard!" could be heard in the background. David picked up again and put me in the picture. "Y'll never guess what that was! A cockroach! In me fuckin living room!" he chortled.

Sadly the Insect Network is in liquidation so DD's Metamorphosis is not on the air but there is some good news- rights for the show can be currently be bought for £1.49. Will YOU be the one to snap up the master tapes???

imitationleather

Absolutely love the detail of the Steve Bruce books in the shop. Fantastic stuff.

Glebe

Quote from: imitationleather on May 27, 2021, 07:00:22 PMAbsolutely love the detail of the Steve Bruce books in the shop. Fantastic stuff.

Oh fuck, didn't spot that!

pigamus

Oh that's the old Waterstones in Birmingham, that's made me sad now

Captain Z

The matter-of-factness of this:

Quote from: Chedney Honks on May 27, 2021, 08:08:36 PM
Literally never heard of it so the explanation (which I haven't read) is completely redundant. Best of luck to everyone.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

selectivememory


Norton Canes

Quote from: sevendaughters on May 27, 2021, 11:06:55 AM
Me and my friends Mike and Dan were playing hangman and I set 'D'Yer Wanna Be A Spaceman' (Oasis b-side) and after a few letters Dan guessed it. I said no, it wasn't, because I was a twat, and said it was a song called 'Trees Wanna Be A Fateeda'


Butchers Blind



imitationleather



canadagoose

Quote from: chveik on May 28, 2021, 08:59:33 PM

That's perfect. The juxtaposition of the fancy-looking hardbacks and the bright red Coke fridge makes it.

Icehaven


touchingcloth

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 28, 2021, 11:15:30 AM
Fucking wankaaaaaa
Big foot you wankaaaaaaa
Bigfoot you fucking wankaaaaa
Wankaaaaaaa
Big fooooooot
You fucking wankaaaaaaaa
Big foooooot
Big foooooot
Bigfooot you're a fucking wankaaaaaa
You wankaaaaaa
Such a fucking wankaaaaaa
Wankaaaaaaa
He's a wankaaaaaaa
Bigfoot i know you're there you fucking wankaaaaaaa

You big fucking wankaaaaaaa

JaDanketies

I thought that might've been from that 'IDLES are fucking shit' thread with parody IDLES songs in it


Glebe


imitationleather


All Surrogate


The Mollusk

Quote from: Leej88 on May 30, 2021, 09:48:49 AM
Poor guy was not a fan of the show but he looks so bloated RIP.

Unintentionally funny and it's in poor taste for me to laugh, but laugh I did.

notjosh

From Film cliches you want to fuck off:

Quote from: El Unicornio, mang on May 06, 2021, 07:18:20 AM
And people definitely don't fly backwards when shot, even with a shotgun.

Quote from: Blumf on May 06, 2021, 01:26:48 PM
Apparently this confuses many new soldiers when they get their first taste of combat and see shot people just dropping to the floor rather than flying backwards.

Quote from: Jerzy Bondov on May 06, 2021, 02:48:52 PM
Soldier shooting a child dead for the first time: what the fuck dude this sucks

Dr Rock



Kankurette

H-O-W-L's Stephen Fry impression:
Quote from: H-O-W-L on June 01, 2021, 07:07:40 PM
[swanfucker voice]
mmreeeurm did you know that euermm... god's not real?? mreheuehehuhm... and hugh laurie, my good chum, my chum, my good CHUM, did you know i'm very posh... is... also not real?? mreueghmhuehmehm!!! alan!!! you're [soft voice] delightful!!! klaxon, please!!!

Jerzy Bondov

That's very funny. Me and my cool mates, we used to go 'Oh Alan' when someone said something stupid and unfunny.

Video Game Fan 2000

Quote from: Pearly-Dewdrops Drops on June 02, 2021, 04:49:43 PM
Notwithstanding your extremely poor quality post, it is amusing to note 1) that all of the elephants would have been immediately shot within ten minutes of causing their first property damage in the U.S., 2) that the Western reporting on this is fairly inaccurate. They didn't really "escape" from anywhere. There is still a wild elephant population in China and this is only newsworthy because the herd is moving further north than usual.


mothman

^ Unwittingly stellar stuff from PDD there. Even better in proper context with TCJ's posting was replying to.

Kankurette

Quote from: Satchmo Distel on June 01, 2021, 11:23:32 AM
1. A Muslim Drowned My Gerbil In The Bog
2. Ban All Fads By The Coloured Lads
3. The Fred And Rose Of Rusholme
4. Voodoo Vindaloo
5. Gas The Carnivores
6. Beardsley Vindicated
7. BLM Dim, Son?
8. Faeces of the Subspecies Sent Through My Letterbox
9. Library Lockout
10. Hanky Panky With Cranky Krankie (Came Into My Hankie)
The Morrissey thread is full of gems.