The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2

[Bad Ambassador]

I went to school with a boy called Mario Hospice.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

I went to school with a boy called Mario Hospice.

Is he dead?

[imitationleather]

His great-grandfather was William H. Hospice, the inventor of the ho spice.

[Twit 2]

Is he dead?

He got an extra life.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

His great-grandfather was William H. Hospice, the inventor of the ho spice.

I love a good sprinkle of ho spice on my chips.

[shiftwork2]

I bet you do you dirty bastard.  I can tell by looking at you.

[Satchmo Distel]

Ho Spice has lost her looks and is now Ho Chi Minger.

[imitationleather]

This is some quality improv we're doing here.

I wish there was a thread where we could put funny posts like these to draw more attention to them.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

my favourite part was when all of the shit came out of my arsehole

[Ferris]

^that really made me laugh as well

[non capisco]

I think I know where that piece on the floor is meant to fit.

[Jumblegraws]

I'm a bit late with this, but the title of the latest Graham Linehan thread over on comedy chat makes me chuckle every time I see it and is worth the licence fee alone;
Graham Linehan's Beard Weekends: Transphobia III: The Sorceror

[DoesNotFollow]

I wouldn't trust any liquid that Graham Norton has been involved with.

[Cerys]

There's an older manager at work, and for some reason I have developed an obsession with wanting to put my finger in her arse just to see how she would react.

There's no sexual reason behind this, I don't like/dislike her in any way, the thought just sort of popped into my head one day mid-conversation and I've never been able to shake it since.

It's literally a factual thing, I imagine us having conversations along the lines of:

"Yes, well I appreciate that the resourcing issue can be a challenge, but how do you feel about the fact that I'm fingering your arsehole?"

or

"Yes, well, it is a difficult project but take your clothes off, get on all fours and shove your arse up in the air so I can put my finger in it"

or

"When we first met, did you ever anticipate the scenario where my finger would be in your arse?"

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

This whole thread, but this pic especially.

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,78220.msg4106803.html#msg4106803

[Glebe]

Fantastic.

[alan nagsworth]

Never really understood the flat earth thing. What's the point of everyone pretending the planet is round? Who benefits?

Big gravity.

Completely daft but made me laugh a ridiculous amount.

[lankyguy95]

Hadn't actually seen this thread but this post on the first page set me off for a good four or five minutes for some reason.

I often think of taking things back to shops that I want to keep (especially gifts) and getting with the refund something that I already have and don't need.

[pancreas]

You're part of the problem Gregory.

[madhair60]

My method:
1. Use only pot, which is unfortunately too big.
2. Estimate water needed.
3. Fuck stuff in pot.
4. Start looking at phone.
5. Get bored and go into living room.
6. Post inane thread on CaB.
7. Realise cooker isn't turned on, eventually. Alternatively, hear hissing noise, remember noodles, dash into kitchen.
8. If they're not too burnt and stuck to the bottom, then start stirring a lot and bashing up all the still dry bits of noodle.
9. Serve! No excess water to drain off as I sat in the living room stroking Jelly and looking at my phone for so long that my noodles are now fat bloated water-logged cunts.
10. Diarrhoea.

[idunnosomename]

Mate bought some shoes from [SHOEZONE] for a fiver then got a bollocking at the bookies he worked at as they left black marks in the carpet.

The carpet that was like swiss cheese with fag burns.

[canadagoose]

Bin sachet,
bin noodles,
bin water.

Fall asleep crying into pillow again.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

That man has clearly never held a crisp before in his life.

"Pringles when I'm feeling extravagant" - yeah right you quails egg-gobbling fuck.

Ohhhh god, it really works, this culture war shit it really really works.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

I thought I might be able to actually talk about tea for once and feel like a dipshit for not knowing anything, but instead I have to watch a cretinous berk belm for the amusement of people who hate him, who don't seem to understand that responding directly to him only encourages him to puff his lower lip out further. Ignore the wanker's rage already.

[chveik]

Forgotten what a gorgeous horny cunt the pope is

[Dewt]

I had a hampster called nipper because it was a bitey and combative beast. It escaped one day and we thought it was gone, but I heard scuttling in the night and when we pulled back my desk it had made itself a nest out of my Action Man weaponry and accessories. It stood on its haunches and eyeballed us looking every inch like John Rambo. In my memory it was wearing a bandana. Anyway, I'd like to say it triggered a remote explosive device and made its escape in a chopper but we put it back in a cage and it ran around in a squeaky wheel bored as fuck until it died or possibly hibernated, I don't think my mum was 100% arsed which as she shovelled it into the ground. I'm still a bit paranoid it's going to come for me.

Genuinely guffawing out loud

[jenna appleseed]

The idea that Jethro videos were the blue comedy side project of Iain Anderson from Jethro Tull
https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,78287.msg4110370.html#msg4110370

also in same thread (different poster)
"Re: Jethro retires
I guess standing on one leg playing the flute is tough work"

[chveik]

^ that tickled me too

[jenna appleseed]

Not the posts but bits of the video linked in the posts - Ian Levine's terrible animated Doctor Who cut outs https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,78173.msg4104891.html#msg4104891

[jenna appleseed]

also:

Re: Obvious Things You 0nly Just Realised - 2020

"In the theme tune for Frasier, when he sings about the "tossed salads" and "scrambled eggs" he's talking about the mental twats who phone into his radio show."

"Thought it was about the marathon rimjobs he gives the old bloke and the diarrhoea he gargles out of that little dog's arse and all the strangers in stairwells he's got pegged (a sex term for pegging someone in the arse) and the cum icicles he melts on his coke-shrivelled nipples and the blues he gets from his jaws rotting in the dark. I thought it was a song about his flaccid armpits and the smell that haunts the phonelines, about the guttering down the side of his apartment which was constructed by and for rats, that they might scurry up into Daphne's dreams and billow about in her flaky masonry head. Thought it was a song about dressing for work and climbing into a side-bin to count his pubes and check they're still there, still made of the correct keratin; about a pine cone by a disused railway that's full of worms going "Christ!" and a child from Borneo who's been pretending to be a radio."