The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Yep just about to post that as well.

[Dewt]

I'd buy a coffee and a Kinder egg. I'd eat the chocolate, and then with a pen I'd put a little dot on the top of the yellow plastic egg, then draw a ring round the egg a centimetre below the dot. Then I'd put a small pebble in the oposite end of the egg, enough to keep the dot at the top if you put the egg in liquid but not sink it, and when he's distracted by woman he doesn't think is womanly enough walking by, I'd pop it into his coffee.

"Careful mate, bell end in your coffee. Fucking everywhere these days, you're right. Keep fighting the good fight. See you around"

[Paul Calf]

^ HAHA fucking hell.

[ImmaculateClump]

Think I might be a bit hysterical but just spent a good 30 seconds laughing at this about the crusty ends of bread loafs.

Can't wait for boffins to invent a French stick without all the horrid crunchy stuff round the edge. Just a big foam line for me please, boulanger.

[Rich Uncle Skeleton]

A few relatives and friends deciding this is the best time to get cancer has forced me back on Facebook just because there's no other way to communicate. I found this piece of original poetry from my (second?) cousin. It's a doozy:

Sorry to hear about your cousin's obviously massive brain tumour

[SpiderChrist]

Like Wolf38892 I was disturbed by the unanswered questions, so I stripped off and locked myself into my garage with the tower blueprints for 48 hours.

Conclusion? The 'story' checks out. Planes, fire etc caused structural failure and collapse.

BUT these plans are like Dana Barrett's apartment block. No one ever built like that. They were designed to collapse if a plane hit them. The only conclusion is that they knew about the attacks when they built the towers

I did a bit of digging into the engineering firm that designed them. The chief engineer, and ALL the senior directors are now DEAD

I couldn't contain myself and posted on twitter: "I think I got the slags that done it"

Two minutes later someone responded to the tweet: "Keep Digging 🐾" The name was just a black rectangle and the avatar was a picture of a wolf. I clicked on it but the tweet and profile had already been deleted.

That night I couldn't sleep. I was crawling around my bed when I heard a scrabbling noise. 'It's the dog wanting to get out,' I thought. Then I realised: I don't own a dog

I went to my front door and opened it. Next to a streak of piss there was a cassette tape on the ground. I ran through my garden into the street but couldn't see anyone. Then I realised: I live in a flat. As I went back inside I heard what sounded like a wolf howl from somewhere in the darkness.

I didn't have a cassette player so I uploaded the tape to a website that converts tapes to mp3s (this website no longer exists). When I listened I heard a man reading out a series of numbers. Every now and again I would hear the muffled sounds of what sounded like an older woman shouting 'what are you doing down there?'. I ignored this and noted down the numbers.

When I put the numbers into my computer I knew that I had to leave immediately. I flounced from facebook and twitter, smashed my computer to pieces, tore up my passport and fled into the night. Now I'm alone, naked on all fours in a field, hunting for the truth.

[chveik]

yeah that's brilliant

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Yep loved that also.

[Marner and Me]

Paedo Transporter

[Pingers]

Yours on that thread had me laughing out loud, especially REO Cuntwagon and Run a Train on These Bitchezzzz

[DistressedArea]

[pancreas]

Nice Art Deso piece from Pingers

At the culmination of a difficult labour the anaesthetist screams and faints, the obstetrician flees, chanting the Lord's Prayer, and your midwife frantically tries to stuff it back in.

[SpiderChrist]

I'm going to bundle him up in some sack cloth and drive 78 miles to a secluded woodland where I will beat him with a pine branch for several hours. I will then take him to an old quarry and throw him over some aggregate. He will then be placed in a wheelbarrow and taken to a nearby lake where I will leave him in the tepid shallows for several angst ridden minutes. I will put a foxglove and a deadly nightshade in his lapels and burn his shoe laces. Finally I will return him home with a note stuck to his forehead saying "The Hard Man Woz Ere"

I will do this for 100 days for charity

[Pingers]

Lovely.

[Dewt]

Are shrimps sentient

Compared to who?

Mushroom

[Dex Sawash]

I've been stealing the thunder of ghosts for some years now by creeping up on them and sticking model aircraft decals onto them when they're not looking.  Which is why you see so many confused ghosts these days identifying as Messerschmitt 109s.

[Thursday]

Everything expressing violent fantasies toward Tom Moore is making me cry with laughter at the moment.

[Doomy Dwyer]

There's a minor dust up going on in the wanking thread at the moment that's moderately amusing, especially if despair is your primary emotion. Blokes arguing about the correct way to objectify women is always funny in a crippling lack-of-basic-self-awareness way. There have been a number of short-tempered exchanges in there recently. You'd think these guys would be experiencing buddha level bliss what with them having a government sanction to sit at home and wank on the internet 24/7. But no.

Naturally, I only visit the thread because I am a hypocrite for the articles about fast cars.

[Dewt]

I mean

^ Sadly, my research shows that the band what she is a member of are a three piece who play extremely bland music, and this young lady exploits her sexuality to cover up for band's aforesaid blandness with her wiggly , hip- shaking movements on stage  and  sexy outfits, and all that. One YouTube video shows her wearing little more than a two- piece swimsuit, with hint of buttocks revealed when she turns round to perform her cynical bandblandness- distracting shimmy fucking brilliant, it is. Speaking as a radical feminist, I cannot possibly condone this.

Also, you can tell that's a wig ( The bloke on guitar wears a similar syrup).

Also, close scrutiny shows she's not really *that* hot. Visagewise, got a Tubbs from The League Of Gentleman thing going on, sort of like a less prettier Bat For Lashes deal.

[pancreas]

I'm not even sure that's the worst post in there.

[buttgammon]

The best thing about the 'Phwwooooar lads let's have a wank' thread is that it assuages my anxieties about being a bit of a perv.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I'm not even sure that's the worst post in there.

I had a chuckle at 'can you just shut the fuck up and post more pictures for people to letch over' being one of the better stances.

[buttgammon]

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here - this is the phwoarr room!

(With apologies to whoever made that joke first)

Haven't seen the original post Ferris is referring to, but this made me laugh.

[Ferris]

My attempt at a bit of purloined-levity to diffuse the situation went down like a lead balloon.

Such is life.

[Dewt]

It's really not that bad of a conversation, wooly-dicks

[Cold Meat Platter]

I'd love to see Hucknall trying to escape from a quilt.  Little legs thrashing, glimpses of the famous red hair, his confused, scrunched eyes signalling "but must I be trapped in this quilt for ever?"

Surely it's not too much to ask.

[kittens]

YES!!!! Come on the Guardian and the Mirror!!!

made me LOL

[touchingcloth]

My attempt at a bit of purloined-levity to diffuse the situation went down like a lead balloon.

Such is life.

You utter, utter prick.

[Ferris]

You utter, utter prick.

Could be worse. Could be graham linehan.

[Dewt]

Especially if you have the body of a boy scout and the bonce of a hill giant