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Centaurs

Started by Gregory Torso, December 06, 2019, 02:39:25 PM

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Gregory Torso

God's mistake. Nature's shame.



Absolute bullshit.



NO IT DOESN'T.



Totally stupid.



Seriously, why are they allowed? Centaurs all over the place, stinking up books and RPGs and extensive hands-free tabletop wankathons. Ooh how sexy, a horse body with a man body for a head.

I'm not saying the Greeks didn't give us some top art tips: pottery, lyres, pizza, shitey wee beards, talking about your feelings, showers, wet towel ass whippings, the list goes on. But they left us with some real nonsense crap echoing through history like one of Sam Beckett's farts that Al wafted through his holo-void perv chamber making a face like woooo, centaurs.

When they were doing the Odysseys, why didn't someone say "No, we are NOT having centaurs. FINE there's a bloke with horns lost in an Ikea and his mum's a Hereford slag; yeah ok skeletons can come out the ground going gragh and waving their bones around; and yes alright there's ones with no eyes fucking sheep in private on little titty-shaped islands guarding a rancid leather jacket telling jokes to horny sailors. But no we will not have stupid looking horses that have men instead of heads!!"

How do they eat? How do they live? How long are they fucking backbones? Literalyy non one for hundreds of years gives a shit, just take it, take a centaur, it's canon, it's been in paintings. DON'T QUESTION IT.

Thoughts?


bgmnts

Look at the pride in Motaro's stance here:


Elderly Sumo Prophecy

I laughed when Mr Tumnus got turned to stone.




(A faun technically, not a centaur, but so what?)

Pdine

Why does no-one want to admit that they are insects?

Gregory Torso

Quote from: bgmnts on December 06, 2019, 02:41:26 PM
Look at the pride in Motaro's stance here:



Totally unsuitable underwear, it's going around his neck.

Deyv

Can't play football for shit. Always hoofing the ball, the off-side wankers. Also ironic that they have hands but are crap in goal.

I miss the days when you could say this sort of thing in public without people accusing you of being a bit prejudiced.

Gregory Torso

You, age 12, playing D&D: I'm gonna be a sexy centaur. A man horse. Homo Equus. I'm going to ride into town and bewitch the merchant's daughter. Get a cloak of horny plus one doing-it-in-a-bed and canter my way through acres of imaginary wenches.

HOW DO THEY SLEEP? Does the man bit lie down on the horse bit? Or does the whole thing lie on its side like a ditched supermarket trolley? Or does the horse sleep standing up while the man body gets grumpy?

more questions than answers

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

Their penis, if they actually have them, is in an illogical place. I'm presuming it's between their legs, but it should be situated roughly below where the human torso meets the animal body, hanging there like a fleshy tie.

PlanktonSideburns

sorry guys, back up a bit for a soft lad -

where roughly is his dick?

jobotic

Have you ever ridden one?

Are you meant to?

Gregory Torso

Quote from: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on December 06, 2019, 02:57:25 PM
Their penis, if they actually have them, is in an illogical place. I'm presuming it's between their legs, but it should be situated roughly below where the human torso meets the animal body, hanging there like a fleshy tie.

Exactly. How are they supposed to pull themselves off? Got a horse dong but little meh t-rex arms can't reach, centaur trying to wank itself off in a field like a deflating giraffe bouncy castle. Centaurs approaching each other for mutual hand jobs under cover of the morning mist in the shire. come on mate it's not gay if no one sees us.


PlanktonSideburns

its just im getting a bit worried one of you is about to say its in the bull bits neck

Gregory Torso

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on December 06, 2019, 02:58:58 PM
sorry guys, back up a bit for a soft lad -

where roughly is his dick?

Quick diagram


Deyv

Tolkien spends way too long answering these questions in The Two Towers.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

The entire concept of Centaurs is just fucking stupid. Even Mengele would dismiss it as inconceivable.

jobotic

How does a horse pull itself off? Centaurs do the same.

madhair60

Back in the 90s I was in a very famous TV show

Gregory Torso

Quote from: madhair60 on December 06, 2019, 03:07:07 PM
Back in the 90s I was in a very famous TV show

Nah, man, that's a horseman. Totally different.

Gregory Torso

Quote from: jobotic on December 06, 2019, 03:06:24 PM
How does a horse pull itself off? Centaurs do the same.

Horses dain't have hands.

Quote from: Gregory Torso on December 06, 2019, 03:03:02 PM
Quick diagram



Nice touch having your own personal cook between your legs, where your cock would normally be.

Gregory Torso

Thomas the tank engine was a centaur. Got the face neck and body of a grey man, and then locomotive arse back and piston legs. Whinnying through dank tunnels as the fat controller thrashes his flaming coal buttocks with an electric riding crop.

Thomas the tank engine is pretty obviously a cyborg.

Blumf

Quote from: Gregory Torso on December 06, 2019, 03:19:44 PM
Thomas the tank engine was a centaur. Got the face neck and body of a grey man, and then locomotive arse back and piston legs. Whinnying through dank tunnels as the fat controller thrashes his flaming coal buttocks with an electric riding crop.

Has the 0-6-0 wheel layout too, exactly like a Centaur, which is an insect.

MojoJojo

Horses bounce their cock against their tummies to masturbate.

I'm not even making this up.

seepage


Kryton

Quote from: Gregory Torso on December 06, 2019, 02:39:25 PM
God's mistake. Nature's shame.





That's a Pegataur mate. Centaurs don't have wings.

Gregory Torso

Well that's double silly.

Gregory Torso

Quote from: MojoJojo on December 06, 2019, 03:43:42 PM
Horses bounce their cock against their tummies to masturbate.

So now there's centaurs doing star jumps in fields out of breath, fat as fuck, wheezing "yeah, bounce that cock, bounce it".

jobotic

So they brush their teeth like us norms but they have to shit all over the bathroom floor?

Jumblegraws

I had a lot of trouble with Nessus the centaur, who was a boss in the Disney's Hercules game for the PS1. You had to jump on his back to cause him damage, a move that would have cost you health if you tried it on any other enemy in the game. It took me a pathetic length of time to figure this out as a result.