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Bendo the Dangerous Magician.

Started by Glebe, December 16, 2019, 09:42:53 PM

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Glebe

"And now ladies and gentlemen, for my next trick, I'm going to stick this sword through my lovely assisant Hazel. Oh fuck I've killed her."

Bendo is barred from Workington Labour club after making the fruit machine disappear and then re-appear above the head of Deirdre Redmond, club bursar.

Deirdre leaves behind her husband Ron and their Yorkshire terrier, Maxwell.

PlanktonSideburns

what the up-to-and-including fuck is that smell bendo?

fuckin rabbit somewhere in this coat, been looking for the cunt for months

petril

Bendo's act includes an one hour intimate, quiet Bunco Booth section, to allow his mates to raid the patrons' parked cars outside. how's that for a disappearing trick?

Glebe

"Ladies and gentlemen, the magic chainsaw routine. Hazel is going to select one of you from the audience to come up and... here, the show's not over yet!"

Ferris

"Now I've not practiced this one, but I've watched it done loads on youtube!"

poo


Bendo carelessly reverses over a four year old boy in the car park of Tesco in Hythe.

"Ta-daaaa!"

Pink Gregory

Bendo misunderstands the concept of balloon animals.

"and for my next trick I shall turn this bag of Wotsits into poo!" (eats the grab bag of Wotsits voraciously, pulls down trousers and pants and patiently waits for desire to defecate)

Chollis

"Oh Bendo!" comes the delighted cry of the audience as our titular magician gives one last wink and a thumbs up before plunging into the freezing water tank, his body wrapped in metal chain and padlock. What japes! But the excited shrieks and woops of the crowd quickly die down as they notice the submerged trickster's expression becoming increasingly panicked. He sends a distress signal by violently evacuating his bowels but it's too late. The crowd is now silent, and the only noise in the auditorium is the soft thud of Bendo's contorted, lifeless body coming to rest in the clouded brown darkness.

Glebe

"And for my next trick, I will detonate this home-based bomb on stage. But don't worry! I will magically reassemble the venue back together afterwards! There's somebody going out to get the police now, right, thought that might happen."

Ferris

Bendo assumed you could just "move out the way a bit" on the old sawn-in-half routine. Not the case though.

madhair60

"What's this behind your ear? it's 20p!" But it was a load-bearing 20p, and the child's head slowly caves in causing permanent death


Pink Gregory

Bendo finally manages to turn the shredded paper in the hat into a dove.  He's so pleased with himself that he violently throws the bird to earth in a celebratory 'touchdown' display.

And then he got off the bus, ahhh!

Ferris

Quote from: madhair60 on December 17, 2019, 03:56:08 PM
"What's this behind your ear? it's 20p!" But it was a load-bearing 20p, and the child's head slowly caves in causing permanent death

Brilliant

Chollis

#17
Bendo's involvement in a war crimes trial at The Hague proves to be the final straw for the Magic Circle, who temporarily revoke his membership and Bella Italia discount card

Chollis

I will now attempt to shoot that red apple from my lovely assistant's mouth using this shotgun - complete with cylinder choke for maximum spread!

DrGreggles

Bendo gets shitfaced on gin and fucks Syd in the eye.

Glebe

The audience tolerated being hosed with good humour, but then he brought out the electrical charge unit...

Glebe

"Thought that aren't well, what do you reckon lovely assistant Hazel?"

"Yeah Bendo it were all right up until you produced the AK-47."

pancreas

Bendo: oh no got cards mixed up with shurikens again.

Glebe

By the time he's wheeled the cannon on stage, they've left the auditorium.

Glebe

"Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever been killed in a massive explosion? Now's your chance!"

Glebe

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you look under your chair you will find a detonator..."

Glebe

"Okay folks, those of a squeamish nature might want to apply the blindfolds I've provided for my next trick, the Dismembering a Badger Trick."

Glebe

"This next trick is known as 'Skewer a Member of the Audience on a Giant Corkscrew'. Any volunteers?"

Ferris

"Now I've had a few sherries but I'm fine to drive"

Kryton

Bendo can swallow a cue ball and parp it out of his arse to pull off a series of tricky tri-corner trick shots. All whilst combing his hair in a big mirror.