Obvious Things You 0nly Just Realised - 2020

[Hand Solo]

I'm irked that nobody has acknowledged my observation that Peter Sellers and Larry David both wear glasses.

[olliebean]

I thought they'd gone bust for some reason, but I saw one today and it took me back to the days when high streets were awash with Woolworthses and Mothercares.

Are you sure it was C&A? According to Wikipedia, they withdrew from the UK market in 2001, and according to their own website they don't have any stores in the UK. Their online shop doesn't even ship to the UK.

[buzby]

Are you sure it was C&A? According to Wikipedia, they withdrew from the UK market in 2001, and according to their own website they don't have any stores in the UK. Their online shop doesn't even ship to the UK.

He might not be in the UK....

[olliebean]

He might not be in the UK....

I assumed the mention of Woolies and Mothercare meant he was UK-based.

[here4glinner]

In the Limp Bizkit song, 'My Generation,' Fred Durst says, "My g-g-generation," before the chorus, "We don't, don't give a fuck and, we won't, ever give a fuck un - til you..."

Of course, as this is a Limp Bizkit song, it works on multiple levels. The reason he says 'My g-g-generation' is a callback to the classic song by The Who, 'My Generation', where Pete Townsend sings with a stammer.

[olliebean]

Trevor Phillips is not Trevor and Simon; nor is he Terrance and Phillip.

[Ambient Sheep]

I assumed the mention of Woolies and Mothercare meant he was UK-based.

Yup, but he's a British ex-pat in Portugal.  I got caught out in a similar way a while back.  (Locking petrol-pump nozzle triggers, as I recall.)

[NoSleep]

The reason he says 'My g-g-generation' is a callback to the classic song by The Who, 'My Generation', where Pete Townsend sings with a stammer.

Roger Daltrey stammers it out. And the point of the stammering was to nearly say "fuck off", whereas Bizkit actually say it (from the evidence of the words you posted; I haven't heard it).

Patti Smith managed a non-stammered "fucking shit" in her 1976 version of the original.

[Icehaven]

My George Foreman grill has an on/off switch on the side. I've had it for about 15 years, didn't use it much for ages as it's a bugger to clean but we've been having little indoor bbqs recently due to having no garden, and it suddenly stopped working last week. Mr. Haven turned it over in preparation of taking it apart to try and fix it and there was the switch, which must have been knocked off somehow. I thought it just went on when it was plugged in. God I'm dim.

[Sebastian Cobb]

My George Foreman grill has an on/off switch on the side. I've had it for about 15 years, didn't use it much for ages as it's a bugger to clean but we've been having little indoor bbqs recently due to having no garden, and it suddenly stopped working last week. Mr. Haven turned it over in preparation of taking it apart to try and fix it and there was the switch, which must have been knocked off somehow. I thought it just went on when it was plugged in. God I'm dim.

I moved into a houseshare that my friends had already lived in for a year and then after I had been in a while my housemate was cleaning the bathroom and I was helping and we found when standing on the bath to clean the top of the bathroom mirror, it had light bulbs behind it. With no obvious way to switch it on we figured it must've been on the same circuit as the bathroom lights and the bulbs had gone.

I got my screwdriver to take the mirror off with the intention of replacing the bulbs, once I got the front off there was the string of the pull cord going from the center to the left hand side. We'd never spotted it because the edge of the mirror was a couple of inches from the corner wall and the front was wider than the bit the cord came out of.

The bulbs were fine. The lights in the ceiling used to overheat and go quickly too so we'd all been to the lav by candlelight with that thing next to us.

[touchingcloth]

Yup, but he's a British ex-pat in Portugal.  I got caught out in a similar way a while back.  (Locking petrol-pump nozzle triggers, as I recall.)

Yes, confounded again. Turns out I was right to remember they had gone bust, and wrong to assume it was basically British Home Stores based on my zero times inside a C&A store.

I have to say I'm not a fan of these European types not doing things exactly like in Britain. Do you know they don't do proper fish and chips here? You can get fish and chips, but they don't batter the fish, they just sort of grill it and baste it in butter until it turns all delicious, so you have to go down the kebab van at 2am to get the proper Great British fish supper.

[buzby]

Yup, but he's a British ex-pat in Portugal.  I got caught out in a similar way a while back.  (Locking petrol-pump nozzle triggers, as I recall.)

Yes, in this very thread last year

Yes, confounded again. Turns out I was right to remember they had gone bust, and wrong to assume it was basically British Home Stores based on my zero times inside a C&A store.

They didn't go bust though - the company is still going strong (and making big inroads into China it seems). They just decided to cease their UK operations.

[touchingcloth]

They didn't go bust though - the company is still going strong (and making big inroads into China it seems). They just decided to cease their UK operations.

That was my Obvious Things You 0nly Just Realised - 2020, really. My brain thought they were gone for good, so I was surprised to realise they weren't when I did a double take when I spotted the logo in a shopping mall, and it was clear that it was trading rather than just a closed shop unit which hadn't had the branding removed (of which there are a few in that same mall).

[JaDanketies]

Oh it took me ages to get the joke that my username is based off on Brass Eye.

The joke that took me the longest to understand is the following:

"There are two nuns in a bath.
One says, "Where's the soap?"
The other says, "Yeah, it does, doesn't it?"

There's another joke that used to be in kids' joke books that I never understood until I Googled it as an adult and realise that you're not supposed to understand it, and it is deliberately incomprehensible and playing off a fad for bizarre elephant-related jokes. (Think, "How do you hide an elephant in a bowl of custard? Paint their toenails yellow. Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard? Shows how well the disguise works, then!" Or "How does an elephant climb a tree? Stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow."

The joke is as follows:

"What's the difference between an elephant? One of its legs is both the same."

[touchingcloth]

"What's the difference between an elephant? One of its legs is both the same."

I had a One Thousand and One jokes book which I got from the crapstand in an Asdas when I was about five, and one particular joke became my go-to one for decades:

What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same.

I think I was confused when I first read it, so asked my dad and he explained that not understanding it was the point, and I've loved a non-joke and shaggy dog story[nb]The same book had a long winded story about using a buried pet hamster having daffodils appear on its grave, the punchline being "tulips from hamster jam".[/nb] ever since.

[JesusAndYourBush]

The joke that took me the longest to understand is the following:

"There are two nuns in a bath.
One says, "Where's the soap?"
The other says, "Yeah, it does, doesn't it?"

Similarly...

There was a power cut at the Nunnery.
Mother Superior: "Candles out, girls!"
**Sluuuurrrrrrrpp**

[nb]The same book had a long winded story about using a buried pet hamster having daffodils appear on its grave, the punchline being "tulips from hamster jam".[/nb]

As a kid I used to hate that sort of joke.  What would happen is that people would only ever remember the punchline so every telling of the joke was different, with the teller inventing some elaborate story just to arrive at the punchline, but any inventiveness in the storytelling was ruined because we knew the ending, so had to sit through a long story - which often was quite inventive - but with the anticlimax of a punchline we already knew.

[touchingcloth]

As a kid I used to hate that sort of joke.  What would happen is that people would only ever remember the punchline so every telling of the joke was different, with the teller inventing some elaborate story just to arrive at the punchline, but any inventiveness in the storytelling was ruined because we knew the ending, so had to sit through a long story - which often was quite inventive - but with the anticlimax of a punchline we already knew.

I was really good at it, and new which beats to hit where to lead to the punchline without giving it away. Unlike my dad who would misremember my excellent telling and absolutely butcher it, either giving the jig up way too early, or misremembering some crucial detail so that the punchline made fuck all sense. "That's it, it was a hamster, not a budgie."

When you do those jokes properly there's an immense delight in seeing someone's face after they've been listening to a story with some interest only to realise that it was leading to nowhere other than a rubbish punchline. Another of my dad's issues is delivering the punchline as if the joke is a two-liner, rather than matter of factly in a way where it takes listeners a very brief moment to realise you've finished saying your piece.

You're totally right that it's awful when people deliver them badly, though, but I love being on the receiving end of them when done well, too. The sensation of being amused, annoyed and realised you've been suckered all at once.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

"How do you hide an elephant in a bowl of custard? Paint their toenails yellow. Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard? Shows how well the disguise works, then!

I can't find my copy of the Armada Book of Fun (1972) but if I remember it correctly you've conflated two (equally chucklesome) elephant jokes there:

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

                                 and

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

You're welcome.

[JaDanketies]

I can't find my copy of the Armada Book of Fun (1972) but if I remember it correctly you've conflated two (equally chucklesome) elephant jokes there:

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

                                 and

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

You're welcome.

Thank you very much!

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
You can't close the door.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

But how does an elephant get in your fridge in the first place?

[Cerys]

Two in the front and two in the back.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

How do you get two whales in a Mini?

Along the A5

(Doesn't work written down. And if you don't live in the West Midlands)

[touchingcloth]

Doesn't work written down

The worst joke which doesn't work written down is the one which starts "There are 10 kinds of people in the world", because it's only ever told by people who don't understand binary or the difference between eyes and ears.

[olliebean]

"What's the difference between an elephant? One of its legs is both the same."

As touchingcloth pointed out, the joke is supposed to be about a duck. It doesn't make sense with an elephant.

[touchingcloth]

As touchingcloth pointed out, the joke is supposed to be about a duck. It doesn't make sense with an elephant.

I did think it might be a nice inversion with an elephant. What's the difference between an elephant? One of its trunks is both the same. OR, four of its legs are both the same.

But you're right, "both of its legs" is absolute and utter nonsense with an elephant.

[JaDanketies]

As touchingcloth pointed out, the joke is supposed to be about a duck. It doesn't make sense with an elephant.

How does that make it make any more sense? Aside from ducks having two legs.

[Hand Solo]

The other nun joke is two nuns riding their bikes down a cobbled street, one says to the other "Oh, I've never come this way before."

The classic anti-joke is the man with the magic lamp of three wishes who ends up with an orange for a head. You can google that one.

The shaggy dog story that leads to a naff punchline I remember from being kids was one about a guy going to stay at a hotel and the owner telling him not to open a certain door, he gets up in the middle of the night hearing a strange noise and eventually opens the door, there's a giant blob in the room that comes towards him, he runs. A lot of pointless exposition follows with him getting away from the blob, eventually getting into a boat and rowing across a lake to a bank too high to climb, the blob floats across the lake and into the boat, it reaches out a long tentacle towards him and goes to touch him and says "Tag, you're it!"

Ugh.

The one I used to like doing as a kid was very stupid, you'd draw a bird on a piece of paper and with the pen point to body parts and the person has to name them "Beak", "Leg", "Wing" then you roll up the piece of paper into a tube and bend down both ends like a giant staple and insert  each hole onto your thumb and forefinger, then prompt them to repeat the last thing they said three times - they think back for a second then go "Wing, wing, wing" with the other hand you'd pick up the tube off your fingers and put it to your ear and say in a dumb voice "Hello?" it really killed, but wouldn't 'fly' these days what with hooked phones being a thing of the past.

[touchingcloth]

A joke I used to love as a kid was: Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She had no arms.

I didn't like it because it was particularly funny or shocking - it's clearly neither - but when I was a kid adults always used to react with something between a groan at a bad joke, a tut at bad behaviour, and a queasiness at unpleasant subject matter, so it used to be a fun one to tell to see someone go from mild chuckle to mild disappointment.[nb]It was at this point in the thread Barry split the topic.

[/nb]

[touchingcloth]

How does that make it make any more sense? Aside from ducks having two legs.

How does it make more sense? One of the sentences is all the beak.

[JaDanketies]

The other nun joke is two nuns riding their bikes down a cobbled street, one says to the other "Oh, I've never come this way before."

Three nuns walking down the street, and a man jumps in front of them and flashes. First nun has a stroke, second nun has a stroke. Third nun doesn't touch him.

Two priests in a car, the police pull them over and say, "we're looking for two child molesters." One priest turns to the other, turns back to the policeman, and says, "okay, we'll do it."