The Amazing Criswell predicts.... 50 things that will happen in 2020

[Spoon of Ploff]

50. Finally there will be peace war in the Middle of the East when the president of the United States of America sends the worlds drops 50 cutest puppies Magneto Bombs to on the Shah of Iran

49. The United Nations will fall after its General Secretary accidentally steps on the Queen of England, crushing the diminutive 6 inch tall monarch.

48. The heads of Mount Rushmore will be replaced by the face in Edvard Munch's "The Scream"

47. A massive chunk of Antarctica will split off and hit Australia, drowning it in melting ice water.

46. It will be mandatory for every America to carry a thermos flask containing lukewarm coffee.

45. An envelope containing the original ending to The Great Gatsby will be discovered in a dead letter office in Birmingham. It will be secretly burnt, and only one man will know of its existence.

44. Fridays will be a bit longer. To compensate for this, time will be shaved off all the other days of the week.

43. People will carry tiny vibrating telephone units around in their trouser pockets as a means to masturbate on the way to work.

42. Talking cats will continue to freak people out.

41. Something important will happen to the color known as Burnt Orange.

[Pingers]

40. A woman's fanny hair grows in the shape of Jesus's face

[Kryton]

39: Someone gets pregnant via the arse.

[Captain Z]

38. That band you like will definitely have that album they announced 2 years ago finished by the second half of the year. Or at the very latest early 2021.

[Pingers]

37. The new Zelda game for the Switch finally comes out and it's all about Brexit and gays

[BlodwynPig]

36. We won't make it to No. 1 on this list before the 4 Horseman crest the hill

[DrGreggles]

39: Someone gets pregnant via the arse.

She already has.

[Spoon of Ploff]

35. Transformers! Robots in disguise!

34. An asteroid in the shape of Ronald Reagan's diseased left testicle will emerge from great Jupiter's red spot. It will collide with Earth on Novmber 23rd

33. The United Kingdom will rename itself Atlantis 2.0 and promptly sail into the middle of the ocean.

32. Bruce will become the first hurricane to cross from the Atlantic to the Pacific ocean.

34. In June, global warming will reach such levels that people's money will start to melt.

[Pingers]

33. Jamie Oliver dies of sausages

32. Live on a chat show, the interviewer whips out a tape measure and tries to measure Simon Cowell's face

[Spoon of Ploff]

31. Pebbledashing will make a comeback

30. The Loch Ness monster will rise from the waters to become secretary general of the UN

29. The constellations Gemini and Copernicus will swap places.

28. In October the Internet will split in two, and the population will be forced to choose which one to worship.

[Pingers]

27. At a black tie event at London's Dorchester Hotel, Jonathan Ross is designated an "ample twat"

[Sebastian Cobb]

29 ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩☆۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
                           ☆★☆ WILLIES ☆★☆
     ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩☆۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

[Spoon of Ploff]

26. Strange formations of light will appear over Iceland, but will be mistaken for the Aurora borealis.

25. Turnips will become extinct due to global shenanigans.

24. The Ozone layer has no ozone anymore, And you're gonna leave me for the guy next door, I'm sick of it, So sick of it.

23. The ghost of Abraham Lincoln will be observed bungee jumping off the Hoover Dam

22. I sense something....  a presence I've not felt since....

[Pingers]

21. A disgruntled Nerf ex-employee returns to his place of work and takes revenge with an N-Strike Elite Retaliator

[Spoon of Ploff]

20. On Septembre 13th the people of the world will wake up to realize they have no memory of the things that happened on August 17th. Send a check or postal order for 99 of your Earth American dollars to "Criswell Predicts, PO Box 12" to receive our patented Anti-gravaton Beam Brain Guard if you don't want to forget what happens on August 17th.

19. Wait... is thing thing still turned on?

18. Aliens from the dwarf planet Eris will land on Earth and demand all of our caffeine.

17. Scientists will finally learn how to communicate with cobwebs.

[Fishfinger]

16. DesoQuest 2019

[the midnight watch baboon]

Ian 'Botham' Beefy's penis reemerges, upsetting all the peoples of Finland.

[Pingers]

14. February 14th: the position of Lesbian Laureate is created

[Fishfinger]

13. Moving crabs are sold as 'living pies' in Whitstable. The 'dead pies' are slightly cheaper.

[Pingers]

12. December: the OED's word of the year is cumbarassment

[Spoon of Ploff]

11. A prince of old Europe will seek asylum in the northern territories of the new world, where people will worship his ginger mane... until it falls out.

10. In July the Sol dwellers will threaten to switch off the Sun, unless the lost episodes of Dr Who are recovered, or remade with the original cast where possible.

9. The real cause of the Tunguska event will be discovered... and it will blow your mind.

8.

[poo]

7. cunts up arses

[Pingers]

7. cunts up arses

New Julia Donaldson book prompts concern

[Pingers]

6. Prince Philip crashes another Range Rover, this time while being noshed off by Gillian Taylforth

[Pingers]

5. October 31st: Iain Duncan Smith is slain by vampire hunters

[Spoon of Ploff]

4. Due to the accumulation of good works President Donald Bush will be sublimed on Oct 23rd. People who witness his glowing essence ascending from the White House will spontaneously start speaking in tongues for a duration of 24 hours.

3. Have I mentioned the things with the cats yet?

2. Philips screwdrivers will be declared illegal in Euroasia.

1. Following tense negotiations North and South Korea will swap places.

ThE nd