People you only pretend to like (or "verbwhores being whores")

[23 Daves]

Another thread on this bit of the forum has inspired me to start this one... no prizes for guessing which.

It's occurred to me more than a few times in life that there almost always seems to be at least one person in your social circle – or at least somewhere on the fringes of it – who, for whatever reason, you pretend to like despite the fact that in reality you'd quite like to see the back of them.  

This can obviously be for any number of reasons.  On a largely positive level, they may be troubled (accounting for a lot of their undesirable behaviour) and you may be afraid to tell them which lake to jump into for fear that it has a drastic effect.  Or, alternatively, they may be friends with your partner who, for whatever reason, thinks they're wonderful and will not be persuaded otherwise.

At the nasty, unprincipled end of the spectrum, however, I've discovered that most people I know are on friendly terms with someone purely and simply because it would be foolish not to be.  Whether it's a boss they've started seeing socially or someone who just happens to be in a position of influence, there are precious few people I know who don't have the number of at least one person they secretly detest in their address book, yet cover it up with saccharine smiles whenever they talk to them.  Of course, they never hesitate to complain loudly about them in private, despite all this.

For example, there's a gig promoter I  know in London who has decided to knock it on the head for a bit, largely because he felt the job of running a regular venue night was getting in the way of his other ventures.  Prior to his decision to quit, people would always approach him with a smile and a greeting, and some cosy conversation.  Since he has terminated his little evening, however, there's been an about-turn in his social fortunes.  Not only are people being noticeably less warm towards him, some of them are also openly slagging him off, even (in one case) going so far as to publish a rant in a fanzine about him, which seems immensely cowardly after the event.  I never really cared that much for the guy myself, but he's also just had his partner (who he lived with) walk out on him, so I actually feel rather sorry for him right now.  His views and mine seldom coincided, but nonetheless some of this hypocrisy seems rather unnecessary.

It begs the question, though – are you lot guilty of this sort of thing?  On any level?  And if so, why?  Be honest.

[domesticgoddess]

I'm more a kind of tell it like it is girl.  I will be polite and civil to the necessary people work-wise, but in my circle of friends there's no-one I don't like.  What would be the point?

This can be a problem though with more tenuous acquaintances.  I cannot stand the friend of a friend who sometimes pops up.  I've never yet told that person to fuck off, though I've been sorely tempted.  perhaps I will next time, but generally I avoid situations where I know they will be there.

[InfiniteFury]

I have a very select few number of friends (we're talking count-em-on-one-hand here) with similar interests to avoid just this situation - I appreciate that this seems like a very miserable way to socialise but then I really don't enjoy any kind of big-group socialising even amongst a circle of mutual friends all of whom I like.

Does that mean I don't expose myself to different social experiences & cultures and miss out on a lot? Yes probably but it means I don't get exposed to many cunts either and I'm happy with the arrangement.

I am a tell it how it is kind of person as well so it's probably for the best.

(So far, this has to qualify as the most pointless un-contributory post I have made in 2005)

EDIT: Basically, life's too short to be mucking around with complete fannies. Who needs the trouble? Either tell them to fuck off or stay away from them in the first place.

[slim]

Yeah, I have to do this, out of politeness to someone's partner. I like them, I don't like their choice in partner. Whatchagonnado?

[Ambient Sheep]

I really wish I could do this fakery stuff - I would have got on a lot better with my last boss if I could have sucked up to him rather than rather too obviously hating him for the lickspittle arsehole he really was.

I also have slim's problem - Torty's best friend is a lovely lady (or was), but since she's shacked up with a complete racist gorilla (I've told the "bin Laden" curry story on here before) I've not only had to put up with him, but with the way she's subtlely changing as well.

[terminallyrelaxed]

I can't be arsed with this sort of thing at all.
I used to put up with any amount of shit from friends and acquaintances, bending over backwards to do them favours, when it slowly began to sink in that these people wouldnt do the same for me, so I developed a zero tolerance approach to friendhsip; one strike and you're out.

No, I don't have many friends.

[terminallyrelaxed]

Thats just it  though, not many people actually have a 'large social group' where everyone knows everyone else, and for some of those who think they do, I think some of their peers would be slightly surprised to find that they think are in the same social group, if you see what I mean, in a nice way.

Of course some people are lucky and stay close to the people they went to school or Uni with, and all keep socialising together, but this thing of only pretending to like some of them is almost inevitable isnt it? It isnt possible for half a dozen or a dozen people to all like each other equally, with no jealousy etc, somewhere along the line you're going to let a few things slide so as not to rock the boat, and you won't forget it, and this wil breed resentment.

I once fell in with an old friend, started hanging out with him again, and fell inwith his gang of mates, most of whom I got on very well with. Apart from one girl. And over time, because I was the newcomer, one by one most of them declared for her (only natural, really) until I could only really hang out with a few of them at a time - at which point I gave up totally as I couldnt be bothered to try and arrange social occasions that would fit with the sanctioned dynamic of the group, and blew the lot of them out - who needs it?

Time spent with people you don't care about is usually time wasted.

[InfiniteFury]

Time spent with people you don't care about is usually time wasted.

What he said basically - better to change your socialising habits IMO

[slim]

What's hard is not letting it show through, I find. I'm barely able to disguise my contempt in some cases and have literally had to turn my back on someone before.

It's not that I don't argue points in discussions or whatnot, more that I just have to spend time in one person's company, who I'd choose not to in normal circumstances, in order to get time with another person. C'est la vie.

[SurferGhost]

Haaa, what an excellent idea for a thread, in light of etc...

tr's first para, spot on.

Real Life: There are some people I just can't hack at all, but would love to, with a machete. However they usually tend to be friends of partners, partners of friends, or people who in some other way it's not worth the hassle of telling because they're too difficult to shake off, and shockwaves tend to spread. I'm probably the sort of person who has a hard time hiding my disdain for people I really don't like though (when I'm not busy playing the paper tiger on internet messageboards with my Satyres), so I don't imagine I really need to say a word. Mind you, I have been accused of being "too nice". Usually by people who don't have the first fucking clue.

Here: It's much easier and has arguably fewer consequences, but it's fairly pointless to get really annoyed with people here (especially when some people try so hard for it, whether they mean to or not) as in the end there really don't seem to be that many proper fuckwits here. It's good sport for all to show someone up when they act the twat occasionally, and nothing more really. Imagine how boring it would be here if we didn't have someone to take the piss out of on a regular basis. And when it comes to it it's just names on a screen for most of us, no matter how pally we are by PM, HMSRAICQN, Text or phone or whatever, or whatever rivalries we build up or nemeses(eses) we create amongst ourselves. For those who've met in the flesh I imagine there's still some expectation to keep up the facade, if only from themselves.

For example, none of you know for absolutely certain how much I actually mean of what I've just written. And even if I mean every single word, it'll all have been forgotten* by this time next week.

Yeh, sorry, State Of The Bored.

*with the obvious exceptions, who'll probably know what I really mean anyway.

EDIT: Hey, don't mind me, I'm just a bitter old roue who can't even be arsed to put an accent on the word roue.

[weekender]

In real life I'm only nice to people when I know it's to my advantage to do so, or I do actually like them, or if it avoids trouble.  Two examples, the second one will probably be more interesting:

1) In situations like where my bosses have overall control over my pay, I'll be completely friendly to the bosses, even if I don't like them personally.  I'm more than happy not to socialise with them though - before the Christmas party last year I was asked why I wasn't going.  "I'd rather watch television than socialise with half the people I work with to be honest".  The clever bit there was not letting the bosses know it was them, they assumed it was other people.

That said, in a professional capacity I'm more than happy to work with someone who I don't like, as long as I know their motives.  It's strange, I worked with someone a few years ago who was quite similar to me - same taste in comedy, same taste in music etc.  We hated each other.  It still worked professionally though, as we both knew that ultimately we were both there for the same reasons - to do a good job and get paid for it.

2) The Verbwhore meets.  I enjoy these, but it's a bollock-ache sometimes. There's actually very few people on here who I genuinely don't like, but when there are I have no problem whatsoever in saying that I don't like them, and why.  When such a person goes to a meet however, I feel it is to my own advantage - and more importantly to everyone else's - to avoid such a person, just because I know that I can be a right cunt.  Maybe it doesn't matter in real life either if I call them a cunt, and it would probably be more interesting for the rest of the attendees if I did so, and a fight ensued.  I generally try and avoid such occurrences though, usually by sitting at the opposite end of the table and not engaging them in conversation at all.  The only bad time is when it's my turn to get a round, you have to ask everybody then.  Just make it quick so I don't have to talk to you much, alright?

Another thought - there's people in real life who I think are twats, and who I get on with, and it's usually people five or more years younger than me to be honest.  The reasons behind this are not because I want to enhance my social circle, or because I see an advantage of beings friends with them.  It's probably because I've seen what I perceive to be their faults in myself when I was younger.  This would probably also explain why I seem to get on with old people quite well - I've spent many a happy evening at my old local pub just playing dominoes with the pensioners, and I respect their opinions a lot, simply because they have more life experience than me, which I try and take on board.

[Captain Crunch]

For example, there's a gig promoter I  know in London

Not wishing to derail the thread but it's not that er, 'person' with the wool weave is it?

[Ciarán2]

Well, I did have a friend who I began to realise I didn't really like much and I've severed the ties now. Not really in any abrupt way, but not calling anymore. He's a nice enough chap and all, but bloody irritating at times. Only has the one topic of conversation: the club scene in Dublin. No - he has one other favourite topic - the Italian and Spanish women in Dublin who he fancies. As i know quite a lot of Spanish women, I think he liked hanging around with me, hoping to hook up with one of them. And that sounds fair enough to me, but these female friends of mine were geting a bit sick of him hitting on them all the time. And I was a bit sick of him atributing national stereotypes to them behind their backs.

I have a "friend" in Spain who I'm going to drift apart from too. I mean I'm not going to make any effort to keep the friendship going, I'll be polite as I can but I'm not bothered if we never meet again. She lives the other side of Spain anyway, so we probably won't coincide. It's the usual story - her racism is making its presence felt more and more. There's a lot of antipathy towards the Moorish population in Spain and I'm a bit sick of hearing about how smelly/untrustworthy etc., these people are meant to be. Last time we spoke about it I stuck up for the Moors and it didn't prove a popular line of discussion at ll. So I just silently fumed and though "why do I bother to see people I find so unpleasant"? So I'll just let that friendship slide I think. Does that sound like a nasty way of going about things or should I be confronting these "friends"?

[Borboski]

It must be terrible for you all to have so many people you don't like...

[InfiniteFury]

I'm more interested in knowing who sat at the opposite end of the table from weekender at the last meet....

[23 Daves]

For example, there's a gig promoter I  know in London

Not wishing to derail the thread but it's not that er, 'person' with the wool weave is it?

No, it's not.

Some interesting responses so far, actually.  The thing about "work friends" is I've more or less decided now not to display any airs and graces anymore.  By that I don't mean I'm going to be directly insulting to anyone - at least, not unless the provocation I receive is truly unacceptable - but I'm not going to hide my opinions or my true personality anymore.

The thing is, I've spent years in offices desperately trying to fit in so as not to disrupt the "atmosphere" and being as agreeable and bland as possible, and what happens?  The people I secretly dislike often end up very vocally hating me anyway.  This makes me realise that there's absolutely no point.  Either I'm not very good at disguising my intolerance or people I don't like obviously aren't going to like me either.  Whichever the truth is, it's clearly not worth bothering with the continual charade of happy families, and if someone makes a sweeping right-wing stereotype in the workplace I'm not going to sit there saying "Hmm, I suppose I can see your point of view" anymore.  It's a waste of time, and the amount of time I spend gritting my teeth probably doesn't do them any good either.

[Banana Woofwoof]

My short answer to this is that if I don't like someone I politely avoid them. There's nobody who's actively in my life that I dislike, I just don't bother.  If I meet someone and I dislike them, I tolerate them for the time I must stay with them, and then quickly disengage myself.  

I don't exactly put my dislike on display but I won't lie either.  I would expect and hope to be treated the same way, I can't be arsed having people in my life who secretely dislike me and pretend otherwise, I like people to be straight about these things.

Now I'm trying to figure out where I was sitting in relation to weekender at the meet...

[23 Daves]

Incidentally, why is this a "timely thread"?  What prompted me to start it was the "Dumping Friends" one - it seems some of you lot are talking about something else entirely.

[Ambient Sheep]

Incidentally, why is this a "timely thread"?  What prompted me to start it was the "Dumping Friends" one - it seems some of you lot are talking about something else entirely.

For my own part, no idea.  I'm as confused as you are - I assumed "Dumping Friends" immediately.

[SurferGhost]

Bah, that's another conspiracy theory down the drain.

The bewildered, those who read their own skewed interpretations into the last half of this thread title, and probably those with their own agendas were possibly thinking/wanting/something that it might have summat to do with all that kerfuffle in the Immigration/Racism thread the other day...
That and I was in one of my moods, where any excuse, etc.

Wrong, then.

[PeachSmints]

I'm absolutely awful about this. Most of the people I'm "friends" with at university I actually can't stand. This is a very small university with about 6 girls to every boy. At home I was friends with mostly boys as I have never gotten on well with most members of my gender. My first year here I couldn't stand anyone at all and kept to myself. It wasn't very nice though.

When I came back here after my year in London I decided I wasn't going to be so sour and give people more of a chance. I started hanging out regularly with people I wouldn't even talk to if I had any other options. Honestly though, I still don't like these girls. It's not that they're horrible, it's just that we have little to nothing in common.

I think it's ok for me to hang around these people because, ya know, it's pretty sad to get drunk in my room by myself...or sit by myself at mealtime etc.
I make myself angry though because I really trash talk these uni faux-friends of mine to my real friends via phone or internet. It's not really a very mature thing to do, rattle on for ages about how some girl I know is a real disgusting whore with no morals (it's true, she's the campus bike) but then agree to watch a movie with said whore half an hour later and say nothing.

I dunno, it's not really right but it beats being a hermit I suppose. I do know that when I graduate next spring I'll never have to see these people again.

[23 Daves]

Ha!  You sound exactly like one of my exes - she went to university and basically hung around with a bunch of women (despite normally hanging around with men) who she had absolutely zero in common with.  All her letters home to me were filled with rage about how much she disliked them, and yet she was going down the pub with them a bit later on.  I was a little puzzled at the time.

Still, it all sorted itself out, since she eventually managed to meet tons of people she had things in common with - not that it should have been hard in the first place, since about the only things she was doing the last time we spoke were smoking joints and watching soaps on the television (sorry, a bit of bitterness coming through there).

Depends where you're studying I suppose, but you could always try to get involved with the university union in a variety of different ways until you meet the people you want to hang around with.  I think everyone is slightly dismissive of the first bunch of friends they get at university, and some people take longer to shake them off than others.

[PeachSmints]

Depends where you're studying I suppose, but you could always try to get involved with the university union in a variety of different ways until you meet the people you want to hang around with.

We don't even have a union! We're that shit. I may have been a little harsh, there are about 3 people I really do like here but the trouble is that they all seem to be extremely busy whenever I have time to do something and vice versa. Or I'm in the mood to get pissed and they're a teetotaler...I'm coming off as a bit of an alky on this thread.
It's alright though, I leave campus just about every weekend to go visit friends or family.

[Jemble Fred]

It's alright though, I leave campus just about every weekend to go visit friends or family.

Isn't that going to make you rather unpopular though, and make the whole stay at Uni far more of a drag, in the long run?

Sorry, feel like I've just intruded on a private coversation. Still, folk who disappear every weekend while at Uni tend to end up pretty lonely the rest of the time, as such a clear signal that they don't like everyone has been sent out.

[PeachSmints]

Isn't that going to make you rather unpopular though, and make the whole stay at Uni far more of a drag, in the long run?

Most people here leave campus on the weekends, I'm serious. There's so little to do here and the weekend food is appalling so it's better just to leave.
I suppose what it all boils down to is the fact that in terms of social experience I really picked the worst school in the world.

[Borboski]

Most people here leave campus on the weekends, I'm serious. There's so little to do here and the weekend food is appalling so it's better just to leave.

Are you not at university but in the army?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

...I'm coming off as a bit of an alky on this thread

Doesn't sound like there's much else to do!

[gazzyk1ns]

I have to pretend I like one of my mates' twat of a younger brother, annoyingly he's got to the age where he can get served in pubs and so he's been tagging along with us on nights out recently. He's a right little cunt, he's really arrogant and he's got one of those scooters which dedicate 90% of their power output to making noise. The reason for the abrupt thread-bump and rant is that he's apparently acquired my mobile number, I was just watching The Simpsoins and I received this text from him:

QUICK turn on the radio! All n**gers and pakis have been killed! ... Carlsberg don't do txt messages but if they did they would probably be the best messages in the world

I hate people who just start carting their twats of relatives\workmates\whoever along just because these people haven't got their own friends or other offers of stuff to do at the weekend, maybe they should have a little think about why exactly that is.

[thomasina]

Dammit, I always thought friends' little brothers were legitimate targets for undisguised loathing.

The only people I have to pretend to like are relatives, distantish ones that I only have to see at weddings and stuff.  And I don't really have to pretend to like them, just not to piss them off.  

I dislike a woman I used to work with, although I tried to find things to like about her and succeeded to an extent.  Again, i'm not nasty to her when I see her now (she's my boss's partner too) but I wouldn't say I pretended to like her, just to maintain a manageable acquaintance when I'm forced to see her.