Dancing on Ice 2020

[machotrouts]

Death of hope. Tory government. Climate armageddon. Brexit imminent. Nuclear war possibly also. Let's have another Dancing on Ice thread for some fucking reason.

Panto cunt judge Jason Gardiner has stepped down from the panel to run for Labour leader, and has been replaced by John Barrowman, who everyone is politely pretending didn't finish 7th place in this same fucking show when he competed as a celebrity in series 1. It'd be like hiring David Dickinson as a Strictly Come Dancing judge. Yes I did google who came 7th in Strictly series 1 to make that comparison and yes I am pleased it was someone obviously funny and not, like, Verona Joseph or Jaye Jacobs or something.

The celebrities competing this year are:

Michael Barrymore. The moment this was announced, the whole of Banter Lad Twitter stretched itself into a hernia trying to find a joke to make about swimming pools. "Ahaha, that rink... is it like the pool the guy was found in, but like, frozen? Like... is there a body under the rink, and it's frozen, and now they're skating on it, or something? Has he bummed a corpse under the rink haha, ha." Unfortunately, this rich comedy seam has been put on ice after Barrymore died of a broken hand in rehearsals, no doubt while trying to retrieve his cum from the body under the ice that he was doing the skating on!!!, and he has had to drop out. His replacement is...

Radzi Chinyanganya. Blue Peter nice hair man. I kept seeing unambitious Strictly Come Dancing fans suggesting him for Strictly Come Dancing, and it turns out he was on the subs bench for Dancing on Ice? Humiliating. Imagine only being exactly as famous as Chico, or Psychic Sally Morgan.

Joe Swash. Are we sure he hasn't already done this? I feel like if you put half of any given Dancing on Ice line-up into Talk to Transformer, the remaining half would all just be Joe Swash.

Lisa George. Beth Tinker from Corrie. A surprise ringer – she skated competitively as a child – but looks incongruous enough on the ice that nobody will resent her for it. It's like how Scarlett Moffatt will win Strictly when they finally give up and let her on within the next year or two. Wow! All she does for a living is sit and watch TV! Now she can dance too!?

Kevin Kilbane. Apparently a footballer. He's already fully shacked up with his pro partner Brianne Delcourt, which seems narratively bold in what, as far as viewers are concerned, is week 1. We want to believe you first stepped onto the ice like a frightened gazelle 7 days ago and you're ruining the illusion. Really ought to fake a few weeks of will-they-won't-they to build up demand for your exclusive spread in page 94 of OK!.

Lucrezia Millarini. Apparently an ITV Newsreader. To be honest I've spent so much time getting angry about the BBC this past year I forgot there was an ITV News. Are they any good? What are their thoughts on Jeremy Corbyn, on a scale of Hostile to Frothing?

Ben Hanlin. ITV2 magician. There's one for your desolation threads.

Caprice. Supermodel (which is tellyspeak for "model") and star of Celebrity Big Brother, Celebrity Come Dine with Me, Celebrity Stars in Their Eyes, Celebrity Deadpooling, Celebrities Under Pressure, Celebrities Disfigured, Celebrities Obliterated, Celebs on the Farm, Three Celebs and a Baby, Celebz Eat Bugz, Splash!, The Jump, Through the Keyhole (2004), Hole in the Wall, Hole-Stretching with the Stars, Through the Keyhole (2018), 50 Greatest Wedding Shockers, Who's Doing the Dishes?, Spank!, This Week, and Avid Merrion's XXXmas Special – only five of which I've just made up. Amazing she hadn't already gotten round to Dancing on Ice, but maybe she's deliberately spaced out her TV gigs so she can keep getting booked for things in the 2020s, instead of burning out into oblivion after being on everything in the 2000s like whoever Catalina Guirado was.

Maura Higgins. A Love Island.

Trisha 'Trisha' Goddard. From the television show, Trisha 'Trisha' Goddard.

Libby Clegg. Champion Paralympic sprinter, and the first blind Dancing on Ice contestant. And why not. I remember a few years ago I told my mum about Heather Mills doing Dancing on Ice, and she laughed because she thought I was making a joke. Like she thought she just had a pirate's peg leg plonked on her stump, and it would pop off on the ice or something. Disabled people can dance too. Just this week I was dancing tango with a large dyspraxic woman, and she was extremely bad at it but that's not the point.

Ian 'Not That Ian Watkins' Watkins. Partnered with pro and fellow man Matt Evers, in the first same-sex pairing in Dancing on Ice history. The homophobe concern troll du jour has been "but what about the lifts??? how can a man be lifted??? they simply have too much gravity", and, 1: it turns out Matt's perfectly capable of lifting H 'Ian' Watkins, and 2: no disrespect to Gemma Collins, but – Matt's last partner was Gemma Collins. John Barrowman teared up with pride at the sight of two men skating to Pete Buttigieg theme tune 'High Hopes', so unfortunately I now think this is white nonsense, but as a nonsensical white gay it is good to see myself reflected on TV. I dance tango with men every week, and this week I got to pick the music for a tanda, for which I chose four Goldfrapp ballads. So it also was white nonsense, but relatively classy and sensual white nonsense. I personally would sooner kill myself than dance to Panic at the Disco, or Steps. Lostprophets, maybe.

Perri Kiely. You know that weird disease straight men on forums have that makes them announce who they do and don't want to shag like it's important to anyone? Well, good news – it's cool and progressive for gay men to do it! I'm proud to announce that Perri Kiely, from the dance troupe Diversity – the adorable little boy everyone lobs about like pizza dough – is my Jodie Comer. He's 24 and like 6-foot-something now so you don't even have to call the police about it. While I draw the line at Britain's Got Talent, I have watched some right old shit for him. I remember my mum asking me why I suddenly wanted to watch the second series of 'Splash!', having shown no interest in the first. Not telling. Is it a bit rum for this show to book a professional dancer and close friend and colleague of one of the judges? Yes absolutely, but people voted for James Jordan last year, and a Tory government last month, so anything goes really.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

So proud.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I will never watch this show but I do enjoy reading your write up's about it macho.

[Bazooka]

I will never watch this show but I do enjoy reading your write up's about it macho.

Yes, it adds a human touch.