Your CaB Story

[Dewt]

I came here because Candi Staton told me this is the place she had in mind when she sang "Young Hearts Run Free". Crock of shit that turned out to be.

[non capisco]

I discovered CaB in 2002 at the age of 24 after my interest in Chris Morris was reinvigorated after seeing him enter a newsagent on Berwick Street in Soho. All the lights in the newsagent suddenly went dead as he crossed the threshold. It turned out that there was a power cut but it seemed at the time that this Beelzebub like figure reviled by the tabloids for making jokes about paedophiles possessed such an unholy aura that electricity itself quaked in his presence. I also noticed that like me he had terrible skin problems and unlike me he appeared to not give a solitary tin shit about them. He carried himself with an air of absolute sanguinity in his retina scorching lime green cycling shorts and one half of his boat race and neck a hollering scarlet. I wanted to find out as much as I could about him and my quest led me almost instantly to you wazzocks.

Thank fuck for this place, honestly. Where would I be without you? All the things I wouldn't have discovered from life enriching comedy to real life friendships. I decided I'd stop posting here recently after some zoomer posted a fake link that made it look like you were trying to access a nonce site. For all my determination to impose that incident as some kind of cut off point I think I lasted about an afternoon. What would happen to me if I couldn't come on here and enjoy the virtual company of similarly bilious fuckers who also haven't quite given up on the world enough yet to let their flames of enthusiasm become completely extinguished? To paraphrase unjustly forgotten 1980 minor hitmakers New Muzik, I think this is really sanctuary.

Cheers, Neil.

[popcorn]

Have you sold that on somewhere? It's not just funny, but also tremendously well written. You should see if you can flog it to Rock Paper Shotgun or somewhere at the very least.

Thanks, that's extremely lovely of you. I've never tried to sell any of my writing - haven't the foggiest idea how to go about doing it. I'm not sure Rock Paper Shotgun would be very interested, would they? It isn't really a story about games at all. (The shop was barely about games at all either.)

[Cuellar]

Was ordered to by some sort of judge? Only got a few months left to do.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

In my mind's eye...through the past's mist....I see a distant figure....a version of myself, long gone....myself, yet so much younger....many years previous....discovering a site....registering there....so long ago....so vague....so hard to recall....what is my memory hiding....?  What really happened, all that time before...?  What crossroads of Fate brought me here....?

[popcorn]

What was the joke? Enquiring minds, etc.

I can't actually remember, only that it involved Arrested Development season 4. I've just spent some time trawling through old Arrested Development threads and I can't see it. There is some discussion of another shite joke around the Mona Lisa, but that's much more recent.

Perhaps I'm confused and it was actually about something else. Or I dreamt the entire thing? And really this place is just as shit as Something Awful?! :O

[AzureSky]

weekender joined CookdAndBombd in 1999, as member #22. 

Showing his massive narcissism from the start, his first post was something along the lines of "What are the pictures by everyone's name, and can I choose mine please?".

Over the next few years he proved invaluable to developing the forum in its early years, by being an absolute twat when it came to correcting spelling and punctuation errors, as well as demanding that obvious trolls should be banned at every opportunity.  He also took great delight in pointing out everyone else's flaws, taking a particular interest in telling a particularly annoying twat known as Collaterly Sisters why they were a particularly annoying twat.  He takes great delight in knowing that this person is still posting and is still a twat, albeit not that much of an annoying one.  Sometimes.

He also made the occasional interesting posts about music, comedy and films, but all of these have been lost to time in the Great Board Crash of 2004, which he continues to deny having any involvement with (mainly on the grounds that it was nothing to do with him).

In the early years he was also known, on occasion, to leave his flat and actually attend meets, at which people were surprised to find that the real person allegedly behind the weekender character was actually a surprisingly nice and also extremely sexy person, one memorable person saying "This is boring, let's go and play on the fruities for a bit until more people turn up" "I've only been speaking to you for 10 minutes and you've already made me wet".  The context of this incident was technically that he'd knocked a drink over someone, but it's how weekender chooses to interpret it that's important.

Never one to shy away from an argument in the interests of drunken shits and giggles (his own, mainly), weekender gradually grew a reputation in his own mind for being a real hard man sitting behind a keyboard making bollocks up, whom everyone on the forum secretly loved although none of them were brave enough to admit it.

Despite accusations to the contrary, weekender has only ever received one temporary ban from the forum.  He can't remember what this was for, but he thinks it might have been for calling forum member #1 a very rude (negative), albeit creative and racist (both positives), name.  He has, in fact, had many more flounces than bans, all of which have been the result of one poster's deluded ramblings.

He still participates in the forum although arguably contributes less and less these days, instead preferring to spend his time just reading about why Chris Chibnall is shit, and what wrestling he should watch.

weekender is single, and lives in a flat on his own in Walsall.  He is open to a 'friends with benefits' arrangement with any of the female members of the forum, and would like to point out that we wouldn't even have to be friends.

Many years ago, Weekender also sent me Blue Jam in it's entirety on CDs in the post free of charge, what a bloody nice chap.

Think I joined around the same time, after chancing upon Brass Eye Sex episode on channel 4 and I was desperate to see all the episodes, found a bloke on here who posted VHS tape to me.

Hardly ever post, but visit regularly to find new comedy related stuff, love the place to bits.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

weekender is single, and lives in a flat on his own in Walsall.  He is open to a 'friends with benefits'

That's generous, most people don't take DSS

[AzureSky]

What happened to Purple Tentacle?

[flotemysost]

Found the site around 2012 during a post-uni, living-back-home, miserable-job comedown while looking for stuff about Blue Jam, having stumbled across the monologues on Youtube and itching to find out more. Discovered the forums off the back of that, and soon got into a habit of reading through them pretty regularly - a combination of my own shyness and registration being closed for ages held me back from actually signing up, but the humour, knowledge and breadth of topics covered here has kept me coming back.

Thought 'fuck it, might as well' when registration opened - never gonna be a prolific poster, but this place makes me very happy nonetheless and I've taken some excellent cultural tip-offs from here that I can't imagine finding elsewhere, especially musical ones.

Also I've run into Chris Morris in real life multiple times since discovering this site. It's FATE.

[Cuellar]

In truth I have absolutely no idea how I got here, but I lurked for ages, watching you all. But waiting, watching and waiting.

[Famous Mortimer]

May 2005, I joined. Even though about five of those years have been spent in flounces, this place is by far my favourite place on the internet.

[Brundle-Fly]

Edit

[touchingcloth]

I'm sorry to hear this, will try to ease off a bit or at least confine myself to comfy comedy chat like in the old days. I can get a bit carried away thinking a discussion is more interesting when there's a wild card point of view to attack, or a different sort of nob pissing against the wind. I don't want it ruining the forum for people, far more unites us than divides us, I say it a lot and it's not meant sarcastically.

Fuck me you're potentially even more AIDS-tier than this poster.

[Pingers]

In truth I have absolutely no idea how I got here, but I lurked for ages, watching you all. But waiting, watching and waiting.

And masturbating, obviously

[daimoniac]

who the fuck was i meant to send a vcd/dvd of rutland weekend television to again?

[Autopsy Turvey]

Fuck me you're potentially even more AIDS-tier than this poster.

You bastard.

[Ferris]

been here 10 years last october. no story. started posting maybe 5 years ago when i was drunk and continued doing so sober. been to some meets and had a fine time. made friends with people and alienated some others. if anyone else would like to be my friend just let me know. the induction process is notoriously rigorous but once you're in the benefits speak for themselves.

This guy is a troll, wouldn't even meet me for a drink in Bristol.

AVOID.

[Default to the negative]

- Joined 2001 around Brass Eye Special time, an excited 14/15 years old boy.

This means you're about the same age as me. Slightly younger. And balding...

[Cerys]

I'll probably post my CaB story when I'm not trying to type on a mobile phone from a horizontal sub-duvet position.

[Default to the negative]

No one asked about your sex life. Just post the CaB story please.

[Mister Six]

Reliably readable imo (or 'ridiculously teacakes' if I'd let the predictive text have its wicked way)

Delighted to be ridiculously teacakes. Thank you!

[Mister Six]

Thanks, that's extremely lovely of you. I've never tried to sell any of my writing - haven't the foggiest idea how to go about doing it. I'm not sure Rock Paper Shotgun would be very interested, would they? It isn't really a story about games at all. (The shop was barely about games at all either.)

Dunno, I've not read them in years. But it's funny and well-written, and that used to be one of the big things they championed. I'm sure they've published stuff that's even more tangential than that in their time. And not nearly as splendidly composed.

[Cerys]

No one asked about your sex life. Just post the CaB story please.

Maybe one day I will post about my sex life - and then you'll be sorry.

[Ferris]

Thanks, that's extremely lovely of you. I've never tried to sell any of my writing - haven't the foggiest idea how to go about doing it. I'm not sure Rock Paper Shotgun would be very interested, would they? It isn't really a story about games at all. (The shop was barely about games at all either.)

It is really good tho

Edit: your writing, not RPS about which I know nothing

[Mortimer]

My insomnia found me googling "celebrity cunts" at 3am, high up on the list was "Barry Took pissed through my letterbox" which made me laugh out loud in the early hours and turned out to be a tag on here. Joined, contributed nothing since but lurk a lot.

[Inspector Norse]

Edit

Best story yet. Heartwarming and inspirational.

[kittens]

This guy is a troll, wouldn't even meet me for a drink in Bristol.

AVOID.

here speaks a man who failed the Initiation. a bitter husk of a man who, instead of trying to understand why he consistently fails, lashes out at the ones offering him a chance.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Kidnapped by middle aged balds, forced at sausagepoint to listen to Fall records and sign up for a relatively obscure comedy website. Read my amazing story on page six.

[Dex Sawash]

[tag] taxing CaB confessions [/tag]