jaded mcloud grand designs

[PlanktonSideburns]

Oh yea, that's some vertically positioned redwood on the walls is it?

Yea yea, triple glazing nice one

I mean, the view is doing a lot of heavy lifting on this house isn't it? .......Yea I KNOW ABOUT THE POURED CONCRETE, just, where do you sit in the evenings?

Fuck me, u bet you went through some builders merchants on this one

Go through into the atrium? No, I'm alright here actually. Well, is it any different from this room? Well of course it's got a stairwell it's an atrium. OH POURED CONCRETE IS IT? LEFT EXPOSED ALL RUSTIC IS IT? OH WELL I SUPPOSE I BETTER GET A FUCKING LOOK AT IT THEN HADN'T I?

(MCLOUD PUTS HIS PHONE DOWN AND PULLS HIMSELF OUT OF THE ERGONOMIC CHAIR HE HAD BEEN RECLINING IN WITH AN ALARMING SCRAPING NOISE)

[PlanktonSideburns]

Oh so it's like double glazing but one more? Incredible

(MCLOUD LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO A CAMERA MAN AND SHAKES HIS HEAD)

[PlanktonSideburns]

Shoe's? I'll wipe my feet on the way out you chellist

[Ferris]

...why have you installed these wanker stairs you complete toilet of a human.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Sure, I like the concept of all glass and open plan, but I'm in the top tax bracket. I'm not going to the toilet for a wank like a fucking pleb.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Of course, mate, cos what your kids want after a hard day at school is to come home and sleep in what looks like the Berlin nuclear bunker with a Poang chair chucked in the corner.

[PlanktonSideburns]

kevin, hey there its ian, is it a good time to call?

weve just been in the edit suite with the latest ep,, -

yea thats right the one where the retired Chellist takes two years to build a barrow out of horse shit in a quarry in east anglia

well, weve just been looking at the footage, and cutting out all the bits where you have a go at him, and the bits where you mouth swear words at the camera, weve only got about a minuite of material, -

i know kevin, and yes, weve tried flipping the footage horizontally to double the amount of footage and slowing it down, its looking like a david lynch film at the moment!

i know kevin, i know, its just

kevin. KEVIN?

look, is everything alright at home with you?

you live in a tent now?

houses are a 'busman's holiday'? what - what does that mean?..... i know what the saying means kevin, but in this contex-...

ok kevin, i see now its not a good time, wele talk about it at mine on sunday

ok, kevin, sunday. bye.....BYE KEVIN

jesus

[Huxleys Babkins]

The roof girders are an astounding choice, breaking up the ceiling with an industrial aesthetic and giving George somewhere to tie a noose when his wife inevitably leaves him because they live in what looks like an empty Budgens stock room.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Where you going to put your stuff? On that one limestone shelf? What, you own three books and a vase and that's it? Where's your telly going? What are your kids going to do all day? What are you going to cook with? You've got no pans and your work tops are made of stickle bricks.

[Ferris]

"Just... what the fuck have you done?"

[Huxleys Babkins]

Yes, they went £150,000 over budget and the project went on three years too long, but just look at what they've achieved; It's like a hybrid of a Showcase cinema foyer and Josef Fritzl's basement.

[Huxleys Babkins]

https://www.granddesignsmagazine.com/grand-designs-houses/518-grand-designs-house-of-year-winner





Nice cattle shed, mate. What you up to tonight, mate? Curling up with the missus and staring at the woodburner for three hours, mate? I've got Sky Q.

[Huxleys Babkins]

House looks like a late 00s primary school reception building, mate. Not saying you're trying to lure kids in, but we've let the police know. If you've done nothing wrong, you've got nothing to-



Mate.



Mate.



Oh, mate.

[PlanktonSideburns]

that last house, they sponsored by fucking Puregym or someat?