Author Topic: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020  (Read 25439 times)

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #150 on: June 24, 2020, 04:23:28 PM »
these fucking GILLS




The kids call them “neck beards”, I believe.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #151 on: June 24, 2020, 04:25:11 PM »
You can see why dragging a shark backwards would kill it.  It’s equal to pushing all the bits of a feather back on themselves to make them scruffy, except on the inside and therefore fatally.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #152 on: June 29, 2020, 10:41:18 AM »
Mrs Custard is working from home and has set up a little table and perched her laptop on top of a pile of books. Desperately want to pull one of the books out, like a much more destructive and pointless game of Jenga

Ornlu

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #153 on: July 01, 2020, 05:24:53 PM »
John Bolton, but he's from Bolton.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #154 on: July 04, 2020, 12:33:05 PM »
I know someone called John Bolton. Every story he told me was so full of shit it was unreal. Bullshit Bolton I called him.

Ornlu

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #155 on: July 07, 2020, 09:13:04 PM »
Guido Greedo.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #156 on: July 08, 2020, 03:54:17 AM »
A few years ago I was sat in a lecture in university, with a lad sat immediately in front of and below me, the back of his head a few inches from where my hands wrote my notes. His hair was cut short, and formed a quite satisfying spiral around the crown. A crown that looked the eye of a storm in a hurricane of hair. For almost an hour as I was scratching away with my pen, I couldn't shake the temptation I had to firmly grasp my pen, hold it aloft and drive it through his crown, straight through the back of his fucking head.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #157 on: July 08, 2020, 04:09:41 PM »
Having read my post back just now, it seems I come across as quite a bit more mental than I actually am. I would like to assure the ladies of gentlemen of the jury that I have not actually jammed a pen through the back of a young man's head, and I am certainly not confined to any institution for the safety of myself and broader society.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #158 on: July 08, 2020, 04:18:45 PM »
I've had something similar like that happen on a bus, becoming entranced by the weave of the hair on the head of the person sitting in front of me. I imagined pulling the whole scalp up, like a piece of carpet, turning it over and seeing all the follicles moving slowly like the tendrils of a sea anenome. Poking my finger into their probing suckery mouths.

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #159 on: July 08, 2020, 09:52:44 PM »
Having read my post back just now, it seems I come across as quite a bit more mental than I actually am. I would like to assure the ladies of gentlemen of the jury that I have not actually jammed a pen through the back of a young man's head, and I am certainly not confined to any institution for the safety of myself and broader society.

You're in a safe space here

Still think almost daily about forcing an old widowed man to swallow his wedding rings at knife point

And about those fucking gills, God

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #160 on: July 08, 2020, 11:22:23 PM »
A forum member has passed away, is it too early for jokes?

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #161 on: July 09, 2020, 04:14:50 AM »
He was a comedy writer.  It's never too early.

pancreas

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #162 on: July 14, 2020, 02:14:38 PM »
Getting naked and dancing in a Zoom meeting on a new apprenticeships policy. I'm on mute, I hasten to add, so probably at most 4 people would see.

buttgammon

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #163 on: July 14, 2020, 03:24:13 PM »
Getting naked and dancing in a Zoom meeting on a new apprenticeships policy. I'm on mute, I hasten to add, so probably at most 4 people would see.

Any Zoom meeting makes me have thoughts like this, ranging from exaggeratedly picking my nose to calling people cunts and swinging my cock and balls in front of the webcam.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #164 on: July 15, 2020, 09:21:44 PM »
There's been a bit of an issue lately with slugs getting into my kitchen at night through a hole the landlord just can't be bothered to do anything about. I find myself tempted to lift them with paper into an ice cube tray, freeze them then place one as a warning outside of what will happen if they come in.

Once you've done this the possibilities are endless: guests who will not leave, just pop a slug ice cube in their drink then deny all responsibility when it eventually melts. "I didn't put a slug in your drink, you must've put it there.".

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #165 on: July 24, 2020, 11:29:47 PM »
I was out on my bike before and pulled over to readjust my seat (as it's a bit wonky), as I was doing so I noticed a car with about four people in it - one of the passengers leaned out the window and hurled some abuse at me calling me a scruffy crackhead, then drove off.

It really annoyed me (as it would). But I carried on cycling and a few minutes later I noticed the same car pulled over near a cash machine.

I had to calm myself down as my brain was telling me to go over and smash the window and pull the fucker out of the car. Or scratch the car as I drive by, or kick off the wing mirror or something. Even though that would have been suicidal and crazy.

Obviously I didn't, but I was so annoyed it was very tempting. But instead I memorised the registration plate and basically considered cycling to the police station to report a specific car driving erratically and/or the occupants of the car trying to sell me crack.

But I chickened out and went home instead. Still fuming to be honest.


famethrowa

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #166 on: July 25, 2020, 01:52:42 PM »
Some fella I kinda know is on my facebook, I think he's a bit simple but mostly harmless. He keeps posting pics of himself meeting b-list country music "stars" and how he got their autograph, never gets any replies or likes, but he keeps them coming nonstop. Anyway he posted a pic of himself with some hatted singer I've never heard of, can't remember the name but let's say Geoff Cowboy, with the caption " I HAVE NOT CHANGED MY OPINION ON GEOFF COWBOY". I was seized by an urge to reply "YOU'RE RIGHT, HE STILL SUCKS SHIT" and just leave it there for the ages. Didn't.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #167 on: July 28, 2020, 02:33:03 PM »
Want to tag a bunch of threads with "Raymond Burr's tits"

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #168 on: August 02, 2020, 06:55:57 PM »
Just to stand up a pub and announce a toast to 'dog shit eating AIDS wraith Captain Tom Moore'

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #169 on: August 11, 2020, 11:22:28 AM »
There is a wood-chipper currently pissing me right the fuck off out the front of my house. Whilst indulging in a spot of internal silent rage-thinking, a surprisingly jolly "I wonder what it would be like to dive in to that fucking thing head-first? How much would it hurt, and for how long before your entire skull and brain would be pulverised and rendered beyond void? Arms ahead, like diving into a pool, or would that hurt too much? Would the operator try to stop me or stand stock-still at the sheer incomprehension of some twat doing something so monumentally stupid in front of his eyes? Has he ever thought about it too?" popped into my head.

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #170 on: August 11, 2020, 06:38:51 PM »
I recon he thinks of it every day

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #171 on: August 15, 2020, 11:14:07 PM »
going for a walk with sister and husband and throwing my nephews off the viaduct

buttgammon

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #172 on: August 20, 2020, 02:11:00 PM »
Just looked at Twitter: some people I follow liked a tweet with a picture of a child and a dog, and the caption "can't believe this ray of sunshine came into our lives after 6 years of IVF." I don't know this person from Adam, but I was desperate to reply by saying I knew IVF was wrong if it could make a human give birth to a labrador.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #173 on: August 28, 2020, 05:35:33 PM »
if you are a nonce does it make it better or worse if you are racially selective about it

Re: Peter%u2019s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #174 on: August 28, 2020, 11:16:43 PM »
I was half-daydreaming when Flog It! was on and imagined if the title was literal and this was back in the slavery days, so you've got the public bringing in black people in chains "Oh aye, he's been in the family for years" and experts examining their teeth and feeling their muscles and making estimations on how much they're worth, all the while Paul Martin is corralling and flogging them with a whip until they get them up on a stage with an auctioneer and people bidding on their price and Paul Martin's and the person's happy urbane shit banter during the auction and their beaming faces when the auction goes over the estimate, and said black people being dragged off in chains crying, splitting up families etc

Then I thought, if TV existed a few hundred years ago, this would literally be what they would broadcast.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #175 on: August 28, 2020, 11:29:18 PM »
No word of a lie I've always thought what it would be like to punt a baby like a rugby ball.

But listening to my annoying, selfish, grassing cunt of a 7 year old cousin flap his twat gums for 3 hours non-stop made me wonder what would happen if I grabbed him by his big fat empty head and squeezed until his eyes popped out.

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #176 on: September 01, 2020, 06:52:56 AM »
if you are a nonce does it make it better or worse if you are racially selective about it

No

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #177 on: September 05, 2020, 10:24:48 PM »
the way they all say "Parcel Farce" when "Arsehole Force" is right there for the taking

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #178 on: September 08, 2020, 06:53:34 PM »
i went through with one of these the other day and took a kitchen knife to a roll of toilet paper in a stabbing frenzy, a senseless waste really

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