Topic: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020

[Twit 2]

Finding road crash victims and instead of helping them whacking them with tennis rackets and kicking broken glass over them and bellowing HAHA FUCKING LOSER and then pretending to be the paramedic but just start conversations about Emmerdale instead over their shouting and eventual crying and making siren noises down their blouses NEE-NAH NEE-NAH like that and jumping up and down on their fingers and covering them with sacking and low-grade sand and tipping GRASSHOPPERS in a shoebox over their bonnet and running around the site ringing a little death bell made out of their strewn cartilage and farting and crying myself now until it turns to laughter like theirs so that we’re both laughing laughing laughing and then Laphroaig in the wounds and punch the last of the broken glass into the pus and wait for the sparrowhawks to stoop into a copse full of landfill and eye us up now that we’re both dead from exhaustion and pity.

[FerriswheelBueller]

Simpler times, of course.

[pancreas]

Finding road crash victims and instead of helping them whacking them with tennis rackets and kicking broken glass over them and bellowing HAHA FUCKING LOSER and then pretending to be the paramedic but just start conversations about Emmerdale instead over their shouting and eventual crying and making siren noises down their blouses NEE-NAH NEE-NAH like that and jumping up and down on their fingers and covering them with sacking and low-grade sand and tipping GRASSHOPPERS in a shoebox over their bonnet and running around the site ringing a little death bell made out of their strewn cartilage and farting and crying myself now until it turns to laughter like theirs so that we’re both laughing laughing laughing and then Laphroaig in the wounds and punch the last of the broken glass into the pus and wait for the sparrowhawks to stoop into a copse full of landfill and eye us up now that we’re both dead from exhaustion and pity.

You forgot the bit where you flay their dead child's face off to use a mask and then parade around in front of the parents saying 'Why mummy?', 'Why daddy?'.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Finding road crash victims and instead of helping them whacking them with tennis rackets and kicking broken glass over them and bellowing HAHA FUCKING LOSER and then pretending to be the paramedic but just start conversations about Emmerdale instead over their shouting and eventual crying and making siren noises down their blouses NEE-NAH NEE-NAH like that and jumping up and down on their fingers and covering them with sacking and low-grade sand and tipping GRASSHOPPERS in a shoebox over their bonnet and running around the site ringing a little death bell made out of their strewn cartilage and farting and crying myself now until it turns to laughter like theirs so that we’re both laughing laughing laughing and then Laphroaig in the wounds and punch the last of the broken glass into the pus and wait for the sparrowhawks to stoop into a copse full of landfill and eye us up now that we’re both dead from exhaustion and pity.

...or some other Morrissey lyric.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Finally got the keys to our new house. First time buyers, no more slavery to the landlords. Beautiful. Did the move yesterday. Missus borrowed the van from work, driving it nervously, me following behind in the car.

Massive, massive temptation to just ram the fuck out of the van. Destroy our stuff, she’d lose her job, injure the two of us, house lost as a result. Just absolutely fuck up our lives in one massive, twisted pile of revving metal and despair.

[idunnosomename]

Just walking down the street and booting an old ladys shitty little dog. Cunting it

[PlanktonSideburns]

Finally got the keys to our new house. First time buyers, no more slavery to the landlords. Beautiful. Did the move yesterday. Missus borrowed the van from work, driving it nervously, me following behind in the car.

Massive, massive temptation to just ram the fuck out of the van. Destroy our stuff, she’d lose her job, injure the two of us, house lost as a result. Just absolutely fuck up our lives in one massive, twisted pile of revving metal and despair.

Made me do a dark chuckle In a hostel

[idunnosomename]

a dark chuckle In a hostel

paul considers gritty reboot

[PlanktonSideburns]

Gaddafi level fart protest at the absolute npc level aids wraith upper middle poshos I have to bunk with right now. give me an allnight non stop illegal rave crust punk mdma marmott from Port Talbot or an over beveragebeveraged brit-pop Gibson explorer ocelot from the off white scrapings of Cardiff retromaniachal post fourth wave nu-metal ska 'scene' hangouts over first stage rejected grand designs pot plant standins actually their fine I've just sobered up and they've gone to bed the ducking lightweights this post says more about me than them goodnight what was I talking about?

[bgmnts]

I stayed in a hostel twice in Morocco. It was surprisingly pleasant

[Paul Calf]

Finally got the keys to our new house. First time buyers, no more slavery to the landlords. Beautiful. Did the move yesterday. Missus borrowed the van from work, driving it nervously, me following behind in the car.

Massive, massive temptation to just ram the fuck out of the van. Destroy our stuff, she’d lose her job, injure the two of us, house lost as a result. Just absolutely fuck up our lives in one massive, twisted pile of revving metal and despair.

Just miss a couple of mortgage payments. Far more effective and much lower effort.

[Paul Calf]

I stayed in a hostel twice in Morocco. It was surprisingly pleasant

I stayed in one once. No power points in the rooms or running water and I had to wrap my towel around my head at night and leave the light on to stop the cockroaches crawling on my face. Even at $7 a night, I only lasted two nights there.

[Jerzy Bondov]

See someone posting about their missing cat on Facebook, reply saying 'Yes! I HAVE SEEN him 😊😊😊😊😊! I booted him dead 😊😊💀💀💀 RIP'

[Thomas]

At funerals I've been struck by the Mad Thought of saying 'he really was a twat, wasn't he?' instead of offering condolences, especially if I didn't actually know the deceased.

[imitationleather]

See someone posting about their missing cat on Facebook, reply saying 'Yes! I HAVE SEEN him 😊😊😊😊😊! I booted him dead 😊😊💀💀💀 RIP'

"u won't be seeing moggy again unless u know the location of my dutroux dungeon ;)"

[Pdine]

Seriously have to work hard sometimes not to post my phone into pillarboxes.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Postboxes really do my head in. All that valuable correspondence just sitting in a big tube with an open hole in it. You’d think they’d be constantly getting drinks or rubbish or dog shit pushed through. Or pissed in. But it doesn’t happen, does it? Even on run down estates, you’d think the feral kids would be chucking fireworks in there or emptying tins of Dulux into it. Sure, they’ll cover the outside in graffiti, but you never hear about anyone ruining the post.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

But now you’ve put the idea in my head...

[sick as a pike]

feral kids would be chucking fireworks in there or emptying tins of Dulux into it.

Save money when vandalising post by getting a colour match from Johnstones paints at Leyland SDM. I had a ball ruining my neighbours' outgoing mail with five litres of knock off "Cloudy Wisp."

[PlanktonSideburns]

Save money when vandalising post by getting a colour match from Johnstones paints at Leyland SDM. I had a ball ruining my neighbours' outgoing mail with five litres of knock off "Cloudy Wisp."

Johnstones is fine for fucking up the mail when youve got time to put a second coat on next day

you get exactly the same amount of paint per pound in dulux, just less water

[thenoise]

Postboxes really do my head in. All that valuable correspondence just sitting in a big tube with an open hole in it. You’d think they’d be constantly getting drinks or rubbish or dog shit pushed through. Or pissed in. But it doesn’t happen, does it? Even on run down estates, you’d think the feral kids would be chucking fireworks in there or emptying tins of Dulux into it. Sure, they’ll cover the outside in graffiti, but you never hear about anyone ruining the post.

It's the last public utility that there is general respect for isn't it?  Phone boxes?  Public urinals more like, dogshit on the phone microphone just for the hell of it.  Street signs?  Hey look I changed it so it says something a bit rude.  Fuck you cunts actually wanting to know where something is, get google maps you loser.  I've occasionally joked about pissing in a post box to some of my otherwise 'edgy' lad friends and they've just been appalled by me, desperate for me to return to jokes about a lighter more acceptable subject like date-rape or aids.

once our lovely 'Royal' red post boxes are replaced by anonymous, privatised, cheaply manufactured alternatives like the phone boxes were (5 years, 10 tops), there won't be a letter in the country lying unmolested.  If you want a letter to actually reach it's destination, simply take it to your local post office (nearest one Bristol, open Tues-Thurs 10am-3pm).  I can't fucking wait.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Who sends letters these days?

Most post just gets dumped in the mail by companies or part delivered by third parties like whistl.

If you remove cards from the equation, which are pointless, it just leaves mentals sending guff to their mp's in green pen.

[Replies From View]

The ink colour is immaterial.

[Cerys]

They've got weird names these days.  I blame Dulux.

[Huxleys Babkins]

It's the last public utility that there is general respect for isn't it?  Phone boxes?  Public urinals more like, dogshit on the phone microphone just for the hell of it.  Street signs?  Hey look I changed it so it says something a bit rude.  Fuck you cunts actually wanting to know where something is, get google maps you loser.  I've occasionally joked about pissing in a post box to some of my otherwise 'edgy' lad friends and they've just been appalled by me, desperate for me to return to jokes about a lighter more acceptable subject like date-rape or aids.

I guess, much like the discussion about fishing re: Brexit, it's one of those traditional British things that nobody dare touch. Postman Pat probably helps too. Kids grow up with a fondness for the postal service and that respect is ingrained in their moral fibre. Just think, there's a bloke or woman on your street today carrying hundreds of quid's worth of stuff about like it's nothing. I often see my postie just leave trolleys full of parcels in the street, no fucks given. Nobody would attack and rob Postman Pat, so nobody attacks and robs a real postie.

Perhaps this is why paramedics and hospital staff get so much aggro. Nobody ever made Paramedic Paul, or Triage Tracy, so people think it's perfectly fine to kick off at A&E.

[idunnosomename]

Doctor Who?

[FerriswheelBueller]

At a pub urinal, another chap came in and opted for the cubicle for a piss.

I was incredibly close to yelling “small dick is it mate? Never mind”

[bgmnts]

Almost always use cubicles for everything; piss, shit and the other one.

I could be absolutely busting for a piss, get into a full urinal and boom, nothing. Grounds for serious UTI there.

[FerriswheelBueller]

It’s not some kind of belief, I was just amazed how close I came to saying something I have no opinion on, just to cause a silly reaction I’d have to deal with.

[Pink Gregory]

Approaching a crying child and saying "Cheer up mate, might never happen!"