Author Topic: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020  (Read 21795 times)

Paul Calf

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #60 on: February 07, 2020, 09:36:45 AM »
Yesterday I was suddenly struck by the urgent need to drop a bomb five minutes before the morning meeting. I ran to the toilets, slung the door open, dropped my keks and relieved my burden in seconds[1] occasioning the most unholy noise. As it always does in the quiet after such a voluble act of faecal delivery, the urge seized me to announce “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John!”

I am actually going to do this one day though, so it’s not so much a PMT.
 1. Known as a ‘first date turboshit’ I believe

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #61 on: February 07, 2020, 11:32:44 AM »
At a pub urinal, another chap came in and opted for the cubicle for a piss.

I was incredibly close to yelling “small dick is it mate? Never mind”

Allow me to blow your mind: I don't like pissing in front of people but my penis is actually not that small.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #62 on: February 07, 2020, 12:14:56 PM »
Quote
Allow me to blow your
whoops wrong cubicle sorry

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #63 on: February 07, 2020, 02:14:21 PM »
Allow me to blow your mind: I don't like pissing in front of people but my penis is actually not that small.

It’s completely valid, I genuinely have no opinion and would gleefully allow everyone to piss where they like if I ran things.

It’s more a case of what absurdly mad thing can I say that will cause a load of aggro for me to deal with for absolutely no reason. I should point out I have a cod English/Canadian accent and was with friends from Dublin in the local RA pub. The cubicles are covered in “UP THE RA!” graffiti and they have a pro-Easter Rising guest ale.

I think I must have been subconsciously channeling all that argy bargy

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #64 on: February 08, 2020, 12:18:53 PM »
whoops wrong cubicle sorry

Woke my wife up laughing

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #65 on: February 08, 2020, 05:28:26 PM »
It’s completely valid, I genuinely have no opinion and would gleefully allow everyone to piss where they like if I ran things.

It’s more a case of what absurdly mad thing can I say that will cause a load of aggro for me to deal with for absolutely no reason. I should point out I have a cod English/Canadian accent and was with friends from Dublin in the local RA pub. The cubicles are covered in “UP THE RA!” graffiti and they have a pro-Easter Rising guest ale.

I think I must have been subconsciously channeling all that argy bargy

Do you still get NORAID rattling the buckets, soliciting donations ‘for the auld country’ or has 9/11 put their murder of civilians into perspective to the extent that they can’t get North Americans to pay for their bullets and Semtex any more?

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #66 on: February 09, 2020, 05:53:43 PM »
Thought about eating some sheep droppings yesterday. Looked like chocolate covered raisins.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #67 on: February 09, 2020, 07:32:08 PM »
Go and do a shit on the duvet and blame it on the cat.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #68 on: February 12, 2020, 11:37:22 AM »
Almost always use cubicles for everything; piss, shit and the other one.

Nosebleeds are not a taboo anymore mate.  You can have them out in the open and nobody bats an eyelid.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #69 on: February 12, 2020, 11:37:53 AM »
Thought about eating some sheep droppings yesterday. Looked like chocolate covered raisins.

That’s how things like the norovirus start.


I sometimes think of snipping off the ears of local sheep for a snack, because they so remind me of dried mango.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #70 on: February 12, 2020, 06:58:01 PM »
Ive got a skin tag on the side of my abdomen that I’m itching to snip off with a pair of sterilised nail scissors.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #71 on: February 12, 2020, 07:15:26 PM »
Nosebleeds are not a taboo anymore mate.  You can have them out in the open and nobody bats an eyelid.
the woke brigade are out again!!!!

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #72 on: February 12, 2020, 09:39:40 PM »
Ive got a skin tag on the side of my abdomen that I’m itching to snip off with a pair of sterilised nail scissors.


Oooooohhh sterilised you’re living on the edge there mate

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #73 on: February 13, 2020, 10:48:47 PM »
An obese 13yr old school kid impressed his mates at the bus stop when he called a dead pigeon a "wasteman".

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #74 on: February 14, 2020, 12:02:12 AM »
Ive got a skin tag on the side of my abdomen that I’m itching to snip off with a pair of sterilised nail scissors.

Meh, I actually did this with a skin tag on the edge of my areola. A+ would recommend.

Paul Calf

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #75 on: February 14, 2020, 03:08:00 AM »

Oooooohhh sterilised you’re living on the edge there mate

Ive got a skin tag on the side of my abdomen that I’m itching to snip off with a pair of rusty nail scissors that have been lodged up Replies From View’s rectum for six months.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #76 on: February 14, 2020, 11:03:48 AM »
Quote
If your skin tag is small with a narrow base, your GP may suggest that you try to remove it yourself. For example, they may suggest tying off the base of the skin tag with dental floss
Fucking hell! That's OFFICIAL NHS POLICY!

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #77 on: February 14, 2020, 12:42:21 PM »
I hear they tend to bleed like an absolute bitch less sexist simile. Careful. Blood that.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #78 on: February 14, 2020, 05:37:38 PM »


Well the joke is on you because I haven’t had anything lodged up my rectum for a good long while and there is no possible way this can change.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #79 on: February 14, 2020, 11:00:42 PM »
A seagull shits on Milverton's ice cream on his day off.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #80 on: February 16, 2020, 09:22:20 AM »
I work in care/support work, and was sent on a refresher First Aid course last week.

There's a section where they bring out a dummy torso and you have to take turns getting on your knees and giving it mouth to mouth. You stand in a line of about 15 people, and await your turn, with everyone watching

Everything in me wanted to scream "I can see your arse!" when a large man was having his go and had a builder's bum going on

Then when it came to my go, kneeling down and pretending to unzip my trousers

Failing those, pushing the instructor over the table, and using "sorry I need room guys, it's an emergency!" as an excuse

Paul Calf

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #81 on: February 16, 2020, 11:52:38 AM »
Resusci-Annie. Used to properly give me the creeps when I was a young Calf.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #82 on: February 16, 2020, 10:12:20 PM »
Playing board games at a friend's house, setting up his brand new game, wanted to just tear up the rulebook going "Hahaha, I'm tearing up your new game, hahaha!". Didn't though, you can get into a lot of trouble doing that kind of thing in the board gaming community.

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #83 on: February 19, 2020, 04:51:42 PM »
During my regular, intensive analysis of the art piece "Four In A Bed" I've been exposed to a competition advert that invites me to find the name of a secret agent in a word search grid. "Clue: 007".  Top and centre in the grid: "James Bond".

I have only just resisted the temptation to waste my money by ringing up and repeatedly claiming the answer (also in the grid) is OZIP ARALAS.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #84 on: February 19, 2020, 09:04:13 PM »
Wimp.  A strong man would have done it.  Done it with pride.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #85 on: February 21, 2020, 02:16:03 PM »
Walked past a car with an open boot on the way to work this morning and had the urge to climb in and see how long it took me to be removed.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #86 on: February 21, 2020, 02:59:03 PM »
Oh god, I get the urge to try to climb in people's back seats and hide when they are filling up at the petrol station. Just because I think I can, it seems to be a good enough reason. I have no idea what I would do if successful.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #87 on: February 21, 2020, 03:00:08 PM »
Oh god, I get the urge to try to climb in people's back seats and hide when they are filling up at the petrol station. Just because I think I can, it seems to be a good enough reason. I have no idea what I would do if successful.

“Hiya mate, made a miscalculation here, I’ll get out now, thanks again”

Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #88 on: February 21, 2020, 03:05:55 PM »
I think I said this in the last thread, but an unattended vehicle left running gives me a massive, compulsive urge to jump in and take it for a little drive. Not a proper theft, you understand, just a couple of times around the block or something. I'd chuck the driver a couple of quid for petrol and wear if that would help.

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Re: Peter’s mad thoughts 2020
« Reply #89 on: February 21, 2020, 03:12:14 PM »
In the 90s whenever anyone at school let me borrow a VHS tape (commercially released rather than something recorded off-air) I'd have to fight with all my might the urge to put tape over the security hole and record some random shite over it.

Assuming they wouldn't watch it again for a while I would thrill myself by imagining their face years later as they realised their precious copy of series 2, byte 1 was instead issuing images of Jimbo and the Jet Set and Fireman Sam.  The merest thought of their perplexed face would set me to sleep giggling my head out.


Of course I now realise that off-air continuity is far more valuable to anyone scanning through VHS recordings than commercially available programmes are.

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