Which ex-Radio One DJ recently wrote this?

[non capisco]

Get up at 3.30am in the week and 5.30am at weekends

Nah, you're alright, Chris.

I got rid of my phone on January 21, 2019 (I haven't missed it for a single second)

I saw you walking down Brewer Street talking on the phone to someone the other week, Chris.

Get tested for the three Cs every five years: skin cancer, bowel/colon cancer, prostate cancer

A health check every five years, genius idea, Chris! You should tell the NHS, maybe get them to send people letters about it.

Mix only with zappers

Please clarify, Chris. Sounds like an insult. On ye go, ya wee zapper!

Have one substantial dollop of Marmite every day

If this is code for a morning dump then, yes, now you're talking.

Have at least two holidays permanently booked at all times

Sorry, Chris, I'm going to have to say "Fuck off, you millionaire cunt" on this one.

[thenoise]

I've two holidays booked within the next six months actually - one for the dentist and another for my wife's birthday.
AM I DOING IT RIGHT CHRIS?

[Captain Z]

But trust me on the sunscreen.

[paruses]

But trust me on the sunscreen.

The new Park Life. I approve.

I saw you walking down Brewer Street talking on the phone to someone the other week, Chris.

Yea - I don't like calling people out but I am calling him out on this. The rest of it is horseshit but this sounds like an outright lie.

[paruses]

Is Chris Evans the DJ being aped by Patrick Marber on that KMKY episode? They make a thing about a kid he never sees and I'm pretty sure CE whitewashed out his first marriage and child - with the latter ones allowed to be ickle and cute and do ads for Virgin with him.

[sick as a pike]

>>QUITE A BIT TALLER THAN YOU THINK THEY'RE GOING TO BE NEWS<<
I stood next to Evans at an awards thing and got unreasonably annoyed that he was about my height, when I'd assumed he'd be shorter.
>>END OF QUITE A BIT TALLER THAN YOU THINK THEY'RE GOING TO BE NEWS<<

[poodlefaker]

Run five miles to and from work every weekday. Ten miles in all

Can't fault the lad's maths.

Meditation, meditation, meditation

The 3 Ms, classic.

Which includes cleaning the kitchen every night from 6-7pm

Bonkers mate

[phantom_power]

The 3 Ms, classic.

Don't forget the 3 Cs, cancer, cancer and cancer

[Huxleys Babkins]

G=MC³

Where G = Grave.