It's not an experience i can see catching on, but neither is it one i regret

[honeychile]

These days, it's very fashionable among young people to do what i'm doing now. I'm being fellated by a young girl known as a groupie.

The other night i went to a chip shop and tried my first ever battered Mars bar.

This has been a murky world i've been wanting to descend into for some years, and i was surprised to see the opportunity present itself at a Bristol chippie as i walked home from town. I'd gone in with plaice on my mind, but quickly decided not to pass up the chance. I don't go to the chip shop often, what if it was gone from the menu the next time?

The cooking time was minimal, and the specimens presented as slightly squarer battered sausages. The batter itself was good, crisp and fluffy but substantial. Upon biting into the Mars bar, i could see that the fundamental shape had survived the frying process; the outer chocolate coating was completely soft but structurally intact. The nougat and caramel inside however had coalesced into a goo whose constituent parts tasted as indistinguishable as they appeared. I was expecting an onslaught of greasiness, but actually the overwhelming sensation was the extraordinary sweetness, far more so than a solid-state confection. At first i thought it'd be impossible to finish (a "portion" consisted of two bars), but although the sweetness was intense, it didn't provide a lasting cloy, and combined with a mouthfeel which wasn't totally unappetising and the dilution offered by regular chip interjections, i was able to plough on.

A little while later, having wolfed the last of the chips, and with the flavour of the Mars bar fading on my trundle home, i realised that i - not unsurprisingly - felt completely fed but utterly unnourished. I still craved that piece of plaice, but rued that there was no room for it in my sullied gullets. Next time i'll be reverting accordingly to my usual choice. As for the battered Mars bar...



... it's not an experience which i can see catching on, but neither is it one which i regret.

Please regale me with your experiences which you will neither repeat nor regret. Or battered Mars bars.

[Cuellar]

Made one of these at uni once. And a battered creme egg.

[Shit Good Nose]

I went to school (and now work in) Keynsham in between Bristol and Bath (bear with me - this is related), and at one end of the high street used to be a chippy called Krispies.  Krispies was the first chippy outside of Scotland to do deep fried Mars bars, some time in the early-mid 90s, and a little later none other than Keith Chegwin reported from there for the Big Breakfast, showcasing this culinary monstrosity.

Anyway, I never tried one for all the time I was at school, and Krispies closed long before I returned to Keynsham.

Since then, a mate of mine moved to Glasgow, and I was finally able to quench my deep fried Mars desires, from the chippy outside the Barras.  I fell in love with it there and then and every trip up to Glasgow HAD to feature a trip to the Barras - two roll and sausage and a tea from the caff in the Barras itself, followed by a deep fried Mars from the chippy outside for pud.  Alas that went a couple of years ago and appeared to be the only chippy in Glasgow that did them.

Not cheap though - £2, and that was for a normal sized Mars.  The expense, I understand, was due to the regularity the oil had to be changed because the caramel that escaped in the frying process made it unusable after only a few bars (they were cooked in a separate vat from the fish and chips, obvs).  A far cry from when Krispies sold them for 20p.

I am aware that there is (or was - not sure if it's still there) a chippy in Bristol that would batter and deep fry any confectionary item you took in (I'm sure there must've been exceptions).  Can't imagine it is still going.

[Sebastian Cobb]

There's a chippy in Stonehaven that dubiously claims to be the first to do a battered mars bar.

It's a load of shit anyway. King ribs are the real battered delicacy that only seems to be available in scotland.

[thenoise]

Had one in a chippie in Torquay circa 2001 - as per usual, Torquay was several years late to the party. I was expecting something gooey, fatty and delicious. What I received was decidedly undercooked, the inside was basically just a mars bar, although some of the outer layer of chocolate had melted. The batter was nice but unspectacular, but surely the mars should be 'cooked' through?

One near us now does deep fried Bounty - I am not even that big a fan of bounty but I can see this working. Might add one to my order next time we go.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

I had a new snack treat experience this very week: Several years ago now, some friends started an annual tradition of watching the Superbowl. I still don't understand the sport, but it's a good excuse to eat, drink and be merry in the bleak midwinter - almost like a second Christmas. To that end, we all bring food, preferably something American. I normally make chilli, but someone else bagsied it this year (possibly because my capsaicin tolerance is vastly higher than everyone else's). I thought about making Philadelphia cheese steaks, but that looked difficult.

Out of ideas, I wandered around the supermarket for a while until I discovered they had the most American foodstuff I could think of: Twinkies. I'd never had one before - I didn't even know there were on sale in this country (possible advanced wave of post-brexit imports, perhaps) - but they seem to enjoy a particularly big place in American pop culture, with memorable appearances in Ghost Busters, Die Hard, The Simpsons and Zombieland, so in the basket they went.

Having finally tried them, they're just kind of alright. Rather sweet, just toeing the line of sickly. Strangely oily, with a bit of a chemical aftertaste, but not unpleasant by any means. It's not an experience I regret, but maybe I'll have a practice at the cheese steaks before next year's big game.

[Famous Mortimer]

Having finally tried them, they're just kind of alright. Rather sweet, just toeing the line of sickly. Strangely oily, with a bit of a chemical aftertaste, but not unpleasant by any means. It's not an experience I regret, but maybe I'll have a practice at the cheese steaks before next year's big game.

I remember the first time I visited the US, I brought a box of Twinkies back for my mates (before you could buy them all over). We sat there eating them, and I remember the opinion being largely how you described. I've lived here for three years now and I don't think I've eaten a Twinkie since that first experience. I will definitely fuck with a Moon Pie, though.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

I will definitely fuck with a Moon Pie, though.

[paruses]

I've lived here for three years now and I don't think I've eaten a Twinkie since that first experience. I will definitely fuck with a Moon Pie, though.

Is  a Moon Pie like a Tunnock's Tea Cake?

The chippie at the top of Bearwood high street in Birmingham - the one that boasted orange chips - did deep fried mars bars. I had one once. It was fine. Just like a crunchy melted mars bar. Would not rush to repeat but it was fine. Their chip naans were like mainlining carbs though - would deffo do that again if I needed to go into a coma for 24 hours.

[Shit Good Nose]

Long time since I've had one, but Twinkies always tasted like an even more artificial version of those little sponge rolls with the cream and jam filling (were they Kipling's, or another make?).

Most American confectionary is awful though, and they haven't got a fucking clue when it comes to chocolate - even their top-end artisan stuff isn't much better than decent cooking chocolate over here.  Having said that, I am VERY partial to most Reese's products, fully acknowledging how appalling they otherwise are.

[Famous Mortimer]

Is a Moon Pie like a Tunnock's Tea Cake?

Mostly, but double the size and with biscuity bits on top and bottom.

[Shit Good Nose]

Is  a Moon Pie like a Tunnock's Tea Cake?

Mostly, but double the size and with biscuity bits on top and bottom.

I had one in the Cheesecake Cafe in San Francisco, but presumably their version of a Moon Pie - it was basically a chocolate cream pie covered all the way around with biscuit and chocolate.

The terry is going on just thinking about it.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

Like a Wagon Wheel?

Long time since I've had one, but Twinkies always tasted like an even more artificial version of those little sponge rolls with the cream and jam filling (were they Kipling's, or another make?).

Pretty much. Like a mini Swiss roll (but not a spiral). I was almost hoping it would be much worse, somehow.

[weekender]

I once had a wank in a park on the way home from clubbing.

It was very misty and about 5am and I climbed a tree and then jizzed over the branches from 30 feet up.

Most alive I've ever felt.

[touchingcloth]

Posted a kebab and shat on a bonnet. Not on the same night.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Took part in a battle re-enactment. I'm glad I did it but it's not the hobby for me.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Took part in a battle re-enactment. I'm glad I did it but it's not the hobby for me.

Stuff adjacent to this is taking off, a couple of people at work have been axe throwing, there's some place that does it but also has a bit with old printers and electronics you can go all office space on. Which I thought was depressingly wasteful.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Stuff adjacent to this is taking off, a couple of people at work have been axe throwing, there's some place that does it but also has a bit with old printers and electronics you can go all office space on. Which I thought was depressingly wasteful.

We weren't allowed to actually charge the other side which was a bit disappointing. Also the guy cosplaying as our commander was hoarse and we couldn't hear him properly so it was a bit disorganised. However as we were supposed to be a band of unorganised rebels that was probably accurate.

[Cerys]

I modelled for a life drawing class in my twenties.  I don't regret it, but it was bloody cold in that room.  Definitely not for everyone.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

What sort of cunt orders a plaice from a chippy? It's haddock or cod. Plaice may be on the menu, but under no account are you meant to actually order it. It's against chip rules.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

There's a chippy in Stonehaven that dubiously claims to be the first to do a battered mars bar.

Kirsty MacColl considers....No, No ,Sorry ,forget it. Lines have to be drawn.

[touchingcloth]

Heavy night of cloncing in Aber.

[thenoise]

I modelled for a life drawing class in my twenties.  I don't regret it, but it was bloody cold in that room.  Definitely not for everyone.

Do they send you a copy of their portraits? I think it would only be polite. I would like to have a nude portrait of me in the downstairs loo, just to shock the visitors. If it's drawing/painting not photo then they can't do me for indecency, right?

Be nice to have a comparison portrait done now with bionic arse, wouldn't it?

[Sebastian Cobb]

Do they send you a copy of their portraits? I think it would only be polite. I would like to have a nude portrait of me in the downstairs loo, just to shock the visitors. If it's drawing/painting not photo then they can't do me for indecency, right?

Be nice to have a comparison portrait done now with bionic arse, wouldn't it?

My parents had a load of photos of a sailing holiday they went on in their downstairs bog it was not long after my dad had a health scare (avm, some of it embolised but continuing to do so could've fucked his sight) which they emotionally blackmailed me into going on for safety, it was a big thing for them but I hated it. Anyway it was horrible, having both you and your family members watching you shit.

I once made eye contact with myself having a shit due to the positioning of the extensible shaving mirror, that was bad enough.

[Shit Good Nose]

My parents had a load of photos of a sailing holiday they went on in their downstairs bog it was not long after my dad had a health scare (avm, some of it embolised but continuing to do so could've fucked his sight) which they emotionally blackmailed me into going on for safety, it was a big thing for them but I hated it. Anyway it was horrible, having both you and your family members watching you shit.

I once made eye contact with myself having a shit due to the positioning of the extensible shaving mirror, that was bad enough.

You need to build up a stronger sense of detachment.  We have a collage of Little Nose baby photos right opposite our shitting position.  No issues.  For any of us.  Little Nose included.  Merrily shit away like there's no tomorrow.  That collage has witnessed plenty of diarrhea as well as bent over, arse crack showing, puking into the bowl.  Lovely stuff.

You...DO know that photos aren't sentient beings...?

[Sebastian Cobb]

This is the shitting equivalent of 'if you eat enough olives you'll not hate olives'. Why take the trouble to condition yourself to tolerate conditions that are entirely avoidable?

One of the best things about shitting is that, to you at least, the rest of the universe may as well cease to exist. The last thing I want in there are visual reminders of that not being the case.

[Shit Good Nose]

This is the shitting equivalent of 'if you eat enough olives you'll not hate olives'. Why take the trouble to condition yourself to tolerate conditions that are entirely avoidable?

"Condition"?!?!?!?  No conditioning needed - comfortable shitting from day one.

I mean the eyes do follow you round the bathroom and look like they're judging you...

[jenna appleseed]

My parents had a load of photos of a sailing holiday they went on in their downstairs bog it was not long after my dad had a health scare (avm, some of it embolised but continuing to do so could've fucked his sight) which they emotionally blackmailed me into going on for safety, it was a big thing for them but I hated it.

Why did you and your parents go on a sailing holiday in their downstairs bog?

[Shit Good Nose]

Why did you and your parents go on a sailing holiday in their downstairs bog?

Didn't want to fork out for a plumber.  Or a proper sailing holiday.

[Cerys]

Do they send you a copy of their portraits? I think it would only be polite. I would like to have a nude portrait of me in the downstairs loo, just to shock the visitors. If it's drawing/painting not photo then they can't do me for indecency, right?

Be nice to have a comparison portrait done now with bionic arse, wouldn't it?

I never saw any of the results at all.  I don't know why I never looked,  There was, however, a painting I did of my left tit[nb]Not just of my left tit - my whole left side from neck to hips[/nb] hanging in our bathroom for a while until our daughter demanded that I remove it so as not to embarrass her in front of her friends.  Have you considered producing a nude self-portrait, signed in large friendly letters?  That'd be even better for shocking your visitors, because they'd be forced to feel that they should comment on your ... erm ... prowess.