Bloke next door is screaming at his girlfriend again.

[holyzombiejesus]

Really fucking yelling. It's happened loads of times before, at all times of day and night. She's in her late thirties, recently split from husband, rented the house next door and got a boyfriend in his early twenties. Friend who lived next door to her when she was with previous partner said she was always taking MDMA and from the sound of things next door they both enjoy partying.

He's currently screaming "I love you. I can't take it any more. You're giving my anxiety."

The walls aren't particularly thick in these houses but they're not dead thin either. He's really really screaming at her. In the past it's woken us up and we've not been able to sleep because of the volume. We live in a rural area and even if the police did come, it wouldn't be for fucking hours. I've spoken to the man who lives on the opposite side of them and he said he would try and speak with her and check if she was ok and I said I'd do the same. Never felt like the right time to broach something so potentially upsetting or inflammatory though. Last time he kicked off I went round to the other neighbour to see if we should both knock on and have a chat but he wasn't in.

We never here her shouting. My wife said she could hear her talking to him very calmly. I've never heard her cry out during these outbursts which makes me think it's possibly just verbal rather than physical abuse. Then again, it could just be a man with issues with his emotional health. Screaming like this is still DV/DA though, isn't it?

I've thought about putting some DV pamphlet stuff through her letter box when she's at work but worry that if she's getting shit from him, an intervention that has obviously come from a neighbour might make her feel shitter or if he gets home and sees it might make him doolally or kick off at her. The other side is that he may well be a damaged young man and some neighbour calling the police or knocking on the door could make things much worse for him.

Now he's screaming "Stop stressing me out. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Please." The things he shouts aren't always so 'self-pitying' (can't think of a less dismissive term) though and sometimes I can't imagine how someone can shout so loud at someone who is in the same room.

I feel for them both but also wish they'd both do one and fuck off. Advice?

[bgmnts]

Have you tried going round and kicking his head in?

[weekender]

Screaming like this is still DV/DA though, isn't it?

Sounds like they're having an argument about audio and video channels on old televisual equipment. 

[weekender]

I just Googled DV/DA and came to a different conclusion.

[bgmnts]

"I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings".

[weekender]

I've thought about putting some DV pamphlet stuff through her letter box when she's at work

Well that's ambitious.

[steve98]

Have you tried going round and kicking his head in?

A few years ago when I lived in a flat in Bradford the guy upstairs would kick off screaming at his other half. At that time I was going through a shitebag phase and lacked the courage to approach the guy directly. Instead I made out I was cracking-up with the noise and pretended to have a woman staying with me who was trying desperately to calm me down.

ME: That fuckin' racket! Ah canny take any mair ae this shite! (Strong Glasgow accent, yelled VERY loudly)

GIRLFRIEND(Really me, with a high-pitched voice): O Steve98 sweetheart, please calm down! You don't wanna go back to Armley again for attempted murder... O Jesus put the machete down in the name of Christ!...

And it worked, guy thought he had a right mad Jock psycho, livin' under him ready to fuckin' GO!! and he changed his behaviour immediately. Too fuckin' right he did.

[weekender]

"I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings".

I freely admit that it took me longer to get this reference than it should have done :)

[Buelligan]

My dad used to do this.  He'd ramp up the screaming and breaking things until he felt released enough or wound up enough, to lamp my mum.  I used to lie in bed crying and wait to hear the front door slam that meant he'd gone to the pub or some poor woman's, then I'd go down to her. 

When I got to about ten, I decided I couldn't take it any more.  Went down there and faced the cunt.  He was shocked at first, skipped to the end and went out.  But it only worked the one time, after that, I was included in the circle of people who know who he is and so, ripe for a smack.  I had to wait for that circle to get so big it included half the town before we finally fucked him off.  When I finally got her to leave him, he stalked us for years.  Police didn't help one iota, he was a real pie and a pint lad, just the sort they love.

I don't know what you can do.  Pray he goes away.  Hope he has an accident.

[BlodwynPig]

Pie and a pint you say? Oh shit, just lock me up

[Buelligan]

Heheh, it's one of the many things I love about you Blods, that you recognise that thing and laugh about it.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I suppose you could attack them with a machete, tar and feather them, poison them with arsenic, set at them with a section of fence, falsely accuse them of treason, bring in the heavies, properly turn the wick up. Cause their door to be on fire. Announce it all as part of a 'campaign'. Buy some offal from an abbatoir and introduce it to the premises. Tell a footballer the woman is 'pretty easy'. Delete their mp3s. Leave one of their cardigans on the stairwell marked 'more of this to come'. Ensure a library book or two runs pretty darn overdue. Fart in their vicinity and make accusing looks at the man. Leave out the pleasantries on a Christmas card so it just says 'Christmas'. Get them taken off a book group due to 'logistics... shame, but the logistics though'. Order some impractically large boxes of cereal to their address and make sure they have to travel to the depot to collect all of it. Move their bin so it isn't aligned with the rest making them look like the most slovenly one in the neighbourhood.

[Thursday]

The self-pitying stuff seems typical of abusers. trying to put in on the other person that they have to be a screaming bullying abusive cunt.

[Shit Good Nose]

Never felt like the right time to broach something so potentially upsetting or inflammatory though.

That's the tricky thing.

It sounds like they're both trapped (for whatever reason) in the same destructive situation - how many times have we heard on here about a woman who is abused (physically and/or mentally) but stays in the relationship through fear or something else, and the boyfriend who keeps saying "I love you, please don't leave me, I promise I won't do it again" and then just carries on doing it.  All too often.

Slightly different situation, but a mate's neighbours (who are an older married couple in their 50s/60) have regular spats - with the husband doing most of the shouting - and they often kick off in the VERY early hours of the morning - like 2 or 3am.  To make matters worse, they also have a blind basset hound that starts wailing whenever it kicks off, so you have this awful cacophony going on, and it usually lasts for at least half an hour (I've been there in the past when it's gone on for well over an hour).  This has been going on ever since the neighbours moved in about twenty years ago.  There's not been any physical abuse as far as my mate knows, but he has knocked on the door before when it's been late at night and they just didn't answer the door.  He's also called both 999 and 111.  999 have always said "unless there's obvious physical abuse going on, very definite threats of violence, or furniture being thrown around, please phone 111", and 111 have always said "keep an ear open and phone 999 if shit gets really serious".

I honestly don't know what to suggest.  Ducking in potentially makes matters worse, ignoring it leads to you feeling guilty.  No winners in this situation at all.

Do you ever see her out and about on her own (as opposed to trying to catch her alone in the flat)?  Worth having a quiet word if you do?  Even then, if she won't acknowledge a problem, or doesn't think it's as bad as it appears to be (another thing we hear all too often), then you get into the whole difficult arena of her "not doing herself any favours", and that in itself can often be an insurmountable problem.

Errrrrrr........move out?

[Blinder Data]

Never been in this situation before so this could be a shit suggestion but would they respond better to complaints about noise rather than concern for welfare which could be perceived as meddling? Telling him to pack in the shouting or you'll call the police might have more impact

I know that portrays you as someone who only cares about how the shouting affects you but it could put a stop to to it. Obviously it probably doesn't help the overall seemingly abusive situation, so I echo attempts to talk to the lady when she's on her own

[Shit Good Nose]

Never been in this situation before so this could be a shit suggestion but would they respond better to complaints about noise rather than concern for welfare which could be perceived as meddling? Telling him to pack in the shouting or you'll call the police might have more impact

I know that portrays you as someone who only cares about how the shouting affects you but it could put a stop to to it.

Actually, not at all a shit suggestion.

[holyzombiejesus]

No, not shit at all and that might well be the approach we take. We've got a 3 year old boy and there's no way I want him to grow up hearing some man screaming at their partner.

[Shit Good Nose]

No, not shit at all and that might well be the approach we take. We've got a 3 year old boy and there's no way I want him to grow up hearing some man screaming at their partner.

Well, there's your excuse - the shouting is waking him up and then he starts grizzling and such.

I mean I'm sure it'll still go down like a turd casserole with yer man, but I think it is your only "safe" and "sensible" option...

[Butchers Blind]

Knock on his door and say, "Mate, you know we can hear through the walls".  See how the conversation goes from there.

[Mister Six]

Screaming like this is still DV/DA though, isn't it?

Never been any screaming in the DVDA that I've seen, although it certainly didn't look very comfortable.

[Shit Good Nose]

Knock on his door and say, "Mate, you know we can hear through the walls".  See how the conversation goes from there.

I don't know if that's just a glib/humourous comment, BUT it's seriously not such a bad idea either.  Obviously you need to be careful about how you say it.

[holyzombiejesus]

One of the things I struggle with is when Boris Johnson was recorded yelling at his partner and her screaming, the right wing media attacked the neighbours who recorded it as being nosy and interfering. Subsequently, a lot of DV survivors and charities came out saying the police should always be called and there were many people testamenting how much that had helped the. I'm also worried about the bloke stealing my bike or making our lives miserable. I guess we're not having the woman screaming and it may be a case of a damaged young man noisily venting. I dunno.

[Shit Good Nose]

it may be a case of a damaged young man noisily venting. I dunno.

Well, you can say "there are two sides to every story" and there is a possibility that the woman in this knows full well what's going on - maybe he is, as you say, damaged, has severe mental health issues, and this is how it all comes out and he's not able to help it, all the while she knows and understands it and by not reacting is supporting him.  Maybe - MAYBE - she isn't a "victim" in this situation.

On the other hand you can't guarantee that that's the case either.

I think unless/until you know the full story (which is where I think the idea of trying to catch her alone outside of the flat comes into its own) it's a VERY difficult one to attack with confidence.

[Icehaven]

Definitely approach it as a noise complaint. There 's a chance they might not care but as you don't hear her shouting they/she might genuinely not realise other people can hear them and be mortified once they know you can. She's probably already embarrassed enough about having a boyfriend in his early 20s.

[Kryton]

Yeah just approach it from the point of view of your 3 year old kid.
Just ask the bastard to keep his noise down because it's affecting your child's sleeping patterns. Back yourself up by recording the dialogue on your phone or something which you can later show to the police if they need to get involved.

But yeah maybe ask the other neighbour to back you up. If nothing else it might shame him for him to know you're all aware of his behaviour.

[José]

the reason she puts up with this shit is simple, crazy dick is unbeleivably good dick.

[Bronzy]

Shag her then shag him

[Olarrio]

Sounds pretty unpleasant and definitely in the emotional abuse camp for me. You could make a log each time it occurs, time of night, duration, some choice quotes etc, in the event something more significant happens. You're right in that if the police attend they'll do little else than maybe separate them for the night, but your information could be crucial.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

You could go completely radge and kick their door in and set about both of them with a bat, screaming "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"


Of course then you'd be doing time.

[Shit Good Nose]

Of course then you'd be doing time.

"The defendant please not guilty on account of severe mental health issues brought on by months of audible disruption from his neighbour, and the upset of said defendant's three year old child.  M'lud.  Your witness."