Being Unfriendly

[Pink Gregory]

Sooo I'm having a somewhat reserves drinks thing with a friend of my partner who's leaving town etc etc and there are two distinct groups of friends here between which there's no cross-pollination.

All but me of group A have gone for quite a long cigarette, leaving me - the autism - unattended.  One of group B tries to talk to me, mentioning the tattoos on my hands (which, admittedly, I am asking for by having them).  What follows is me quite routinely answering questions about my job, where I live etc, and there's an awkward silence after every answer, and now he's basically given up.

I add an addendum of 'Yeah, I'm autistic, I'm not much of a talker, sorry." which he seems to accept, and now I'm writing this.

This is how cunts act isn't it?  How I'm acting.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Just ask questions and make mad comments get hammered.

[Pink Gregory]

It's like...I answered your questions, do you want me to be fascinated by you?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

It's like...I answered your questions, do you want me to be fascinated by you?

That's basically the key to human interaction. Feign interest and once in a while the other person says something interesting or says something boring in a way that appeals to your interests anyway, allowing you both to bask in collective agreement.

You're welcome.

One more CURED

[canadagoose]

A lot of the time, I tend to engage in conversation so the other person doesn't hate me. Especially in taxis. I prefer not to talk on taxi journeys, but if the driver keeps speaking I'll ask things back out of politeness even though it makes me anxious as owt. Not sure it's healthy but people are fickle.

[Sebastian Cobb]

It's like...I answered your questions, do you want me to be fascinated by you?

They saw you'd been left alone and probably felt guilty that you were being ignored, they probably didn't want to talk to you, just as it seem you didn't really want to talk to them, hence perfunctory efforts from both sides.

[Butchers Blind]

It's like...I answered your questions, do you want me to be fascinated by you?

I feel Im a bit like this but Im not autistic.  I might just be a cunt.

[Cloud]

Yeah you're meant to ask the same questions back which is probably what the silence was for.  As an antisocial cunt, just responding to questions and not showing any interest is how I try to 'lose' people who I have no interest in chatting with.  A lot of people seem oblivious to this, though

[Pink Gregory]

They saw you'd been left alone and probably felt guilty that you were being ignored, they probably didn't want to talk to you, just as it seem you didn't really want to talk to them, hence perfunctory efforts from both sides.

I should appreciate that kind of thing, but I never know how to deal with it.  But the usual 'job, home etc' isn't a lot to work with.

[Annie Labuntur]

I was going to start a simultaneous Trying To Get Blood Out of an Autistic Stone thread ("the guy's got a tatooed hand ffs!"), BUT I BOTTLED IT.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I should appreciate that kind of thing, but I never know how to deal with it.  But the usual 'job, home etc' isn't a lot to work with.

Most people have a conversational bias which triggers when  topics covering one or more of the following are raised:

- People
- Concepts
- Events

If you ask questions or make statements touching on each of those and still get nothing back then unfortunately probably two done an autisms

[gib]

I am fucking abysmal at this sort of thing but my advice is this. If someone asks you about work, give your answer then ask them about their work. Assume that whatever they ask about is something they want to be asked. They're the one that wants to talk so let them do the heavy lifting.

[Pink Gregory]

"Are you aware of people relating to concepts in the context of events?  I have opinions of such."
And thus an evening is made.

[shiftwork2]

Small talk is an art and one I'm glad I don't have facility with.  It's always touch and go regards blowing your brains out.  The fatuousness.  'And what are you driving these days'?

[gib]

Hi shifty, been up to much today?

[shiftwork2]

Sensing a trap so 'Happy birthday to you too'

[gib]

*awkward silence*

[shiftwork2]

No problem just let it hang it's fine

[gib]

*nods*

[Sebastian Cobb]

Next time go outside with the smokers, it sounds like the stress of having to talk to a stranger might harm you more than the passive smoking in the long run.

[Pink Gregory]

So all of us in group A have now left and we were all agreed that the questionmaster was an uneasant dickhead.  So I guess I might be exonerated?

[Cloud]

Youtube recommended me this video.  I could swear it's watching.

Data from Star Trek creating a small talk routine:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FqFm_vmVnE

[Dex Sawash]

Next time go outside with the smokers,

Then when they go back inside, fuck off home

[H-O-W-L]

Really I don't think you were being that unfriendly. You laid it out on the table that you have an actual issue that makes it difficult to make small talk.

I was expecting this to be like, telling strangers to fuck off, but it sounds like you handled an awkward situation.

[Noonling]

I really don't think you were being actively unfriendly, just small talk doesn't come naturally to you. I don't think it comes naturally to most people (including me), some just gradually learn it over the years.

Most people have a conversational bias which triggers when  topics covering one or more of the following are raised:

- People
- Concepts
- Events

If you ask questions or make statements touching on each of those and still get nothing back then unfortunately probably two done an autisms

Yup. The trick is to use one of the initial tedious questions as a springboard until you can get a more precise guage of their character.

So when someone asks you a question, if they don't expand on the topic themselves, ask it of them (ideally phrased slightly differently, or just a "so how about you?"). Then act interested by asking further questions. You might sound like a bit of a robot, but people are probably more forgiving of that than of awkward silence.

Work/Study - Oh cool, how long have you been doing that? / What made you interested in that? / (if a menial or boring job) So what are you planning to get into? / I used to work at X, doing Y, surprised we didn't cross paths! (or some other comment about yourself that invites further questions)
Where you live - How long have you lived there? / Have you always lived in (area)? / Renting at the moment, then? / Ah I used to live around X! / Do you like it there (is it a rough area, posh, etc) / Do you live by yourself? (springboard onto talking about people)
Hobbies - Doing anything this weekend/last weekend? / Oh, are you a big fan of [thing they mention]? / If nothing else, mention a TV show you're getting into at the moment and ask what they've been watching recently. If they do a group hobby its another springboard to talk about people, or events.
Appearance - Comment on jewellery, tattoo or clothing, if it seems appropriate. T-shirts can often lead to chat about TV/game/music/events. Tattoos can lead to anything, and you can ask if they have any others, when they first got a tattoo, if they plan on getting another one, who is a good tattooist - if the topic comes up about your tattoos it doesn't even matter if they don't have any - you can ask why not (in a non-aggressive way obviously), or what they would get. That can go into general concept areas, about whether marking your body is  good thing, how people change as they age etc.
People - Oh, how do you know X? (Whoever is the mutual friend) / Any mention of parents can go into: Do you get along with them? / How often do you see them?

Aspirations (where they want to live/work/who they want to be) are a good way to get into the "concepts" area of talk. Relating something they said back to yourself (with added detail and a bit of flavour, not just "Oh. I lived there once.") helps make the conversation flow a bit more naturally and hopefully they will ask you a question off the back of that, or expand on how it relates to them. Ideally you only have to exchange two, maybe three generic questions before you get into something more specific. No doubt still boring, but at least not as awkward. If they seem easy-going or like they don't mind weirdness you can even go for a "would you rather" question early on (Would you rather do [current job] or be a [astronaut/prime minister/something else with pros and cons]?)

Small talk is a pain, but just act like it's a game where you have to unlock what makes them tick.

[Emma Raducanu]

sorry just read other posts.

[idunnosomename]

couldnt be bothered reading any of this thread fuck off

[bgmnts]

Sounds like you don't have much to say and are a bit boring. I've noticed thats why people get tattoos.

[Pink Gregory]

Judging by my posts, you're entirely correct.

[Ferris]

Sounds like you don't have much to say and are a bit boring. I've noticed thats why people get tattoos.

I have tattoos and am incredibly interesting so how do you explain that?