Average text adventure

[Kryton]

Your name is Tony Parsnips and you live in a one bedroom flat in Wigan.
You work for a friendly cold-calling company who cheekily bully elderly people into buying an outdoor heated bath for the cost of nine grand.
It's your day off. You have no hobbies.

In your possession is: NOTHING.

Go.

[Ferris]

Investigate flat

[chveik]

crywank

[Glebe]

Examine conscience.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Go NORTH

[Dex Sawash]

Consult sales records to locate nearest possibly unguarded outdoor heated bath.

[Replies From View]

Why isn't this text adventure responding to any inputs?!

[Kryton]

Investigate flat

It's full of very mismatched furniture. Some of old Granny Parsnips technology lays scattered about in a heap in the corner (your 1990's dot matrix printer, your 'digital' filofax that doesn't work any more through love nor money, your Gameboy that does work and has TETRIS installed, an old, chunky remote control for a massive telly long lost.)

The rest of the flat is gloomy but boring. An absence of female company has rendered it grim. A single bed surrounded by tissue, a poster of MOAI (with the words this is why MOAI stares), several porno mags, an ashtray that you don't use anymore since you started vaping but lost your vape, full of old cig stumps (for the memories), a photograph of a cat and a plant pot with a MASSIVE umbrella plant that you call company 'Umbrella Joe'. But you haven't watered it for a few days because you forgot.

You also have a biro that has run out of ink. A computer with Windows XP. Access to your neighbour's internet after guessing their password.

crywank

You can't summon the morale since it's all you've been doing for the last month or two.

Examine conscience.

You realise you need some air. Get out the flat for a bit. That'll be nice.

Go NORTH

You're in a shabby looking toilet with a wet room. Around are several container of LYNX shower gel. You notice a lack of bog roll. To the South is a door. The floor is dry.

Consult sales records to locate nearest possibly unguarded outdoor heated bath.

You don't have the mental capacity to do that. But you're sure you once saw an outdoor jacuzzi at Uncle Ian's.

Why isn't this text adventure responding to any inputs?!

SYNTAX ERROR.

[Ferris]

Exit apartment, let's take this to the streets

[kittens]

cauterize dick hole with hair straighteners

[Kryton]

Exit apartment, let's take this to the streets

It's taken a while but you pluck up the courage and clamber over the unpaid bills and pizza leaflets and find yourself out in the streets. It's been a long while since you've been out here.

To the EAST lies a motorway

To the NORTH lies a small stretch of boarded up houses

To the WEST is the town centre.

[Kryton]

cauterize dick hole with hair straighteners

You've already left the flat. Maybe if you had any money you could buy some. But you don't.

[PlanktonSideburns]

North

[Kryton]

North

You wander North. It's dusk.

You pass a long terrace of condemned houses due for demolition. It's eerily quiet and still. In the distance you see the glow of a campfire on some wasteland, somewhere among the piles of bricks.
As you approach you notice, a hunched silhouette is sat around a meagre fire and seems to be talking to himself.

[Ferris]

You wander North. It's dusk.

You pass a long terrace of condemned houses due for demolition. It's eerily quiet and still. In the distance you see the glow of a campfire on some wasteland, somewhere among the piles of bricks.
As you approach you notice, a hunched silhouette is sat around a meagre fire and seems to be talking to himself.

Sneak close and listen in/scout out the area

[Kryton]

Sneak close and listen in/scout out the area

You duck down behind a big rock as the figure bursts into a coughing fit that lasts a little too long for comfort. He probably has pneumonia.
You listen in as he composes himself.

"Fucking bastards! Fucking standing me down, just because I have extremely difficult views about minorities, telling me to resign just because I think X,Y and Z..."

You realise it's disgraced Tory adviser Andrew Sabisky who just resigned over his warped views about poor and black people.

He's currently cooking a stick over a campfire that bellows out more smoke than flame, with little heat. The air is noxious. He begins coughing again.

If you stay much longer you might start losing HIT POINTS.

Do you approach shamed adviser Andrew Sabisky?

Or continue NORTH towards the wastelands?

You can also go EAST to what seems like a big pile of RUBBLE with a TOILET on top?

[Ferris]

Look for some kind of spear-like object and hurl it at Sabisky. Can't let this opportunity go.

If nothing like that is available, continue heading north.

[Kryton]

Look for some kind of spear-like object and hurl it at Sabisky. Can't let this opportunity go.

If nothing like that is available, continue heading north.

There's nothing spear-like but plenty of bricks.
You grab one and hurl it at him.

Pick a number between 1+12 (I'll pick a number and if you're within 4 of it, you'll hit)

[Ferris]

There's nothing spear-like but plenty of bricks.
You grab one and hurl it at him.

Pick a number between 1+12 (I'll pick a number and if you're within 4 of it, you'll hit)

If you go to google and type "roll D12", it'll pick a number for you. I just did that and got a 10

[Kryton]

If you go to google and type "roll D12", it'll pick a number for you. I just did that and got a 10

I picked three (3). You miss. Your brick snaps the twig in the fire and sends a load of embers into his face. He cries in agony before picking up the burning branch and looks around for his assailant.

To the North is wasteland

To the East is a pile of rubble with a toilet.

To the South is your flat.

Or you can choose to fight him.

[Ferris]

I picked three (3). You miss. Your brick snaps the twig in the fire and sends a load of embers into his face. He cries in agony before picking up the burning branch and looks around for his assailant.

To the North is wasteland

To the East is a pile of rubble with a toilet.

To the South is your flat.

Or you can choose to fight him.

Run east. I've had enough of him for one day. Investigate toilet - if I can get additional armaments for a second attack then so much the better.

What is the goal for this adventure? Or do I have to keep investigating to find out?

[Kryton]

There's absolutely no GOAL. This is a very low budget sandbox adventure. Maybe you'll get a reward, maybe you'll end up on heroin?

You run east.
You're being pursued by Andrew Sabisky who is wielding a burning branch. He is screaming something about AIDS.

You investigate the toilet. It looks previously used, several times judging by the limescale and shit.

You have TWO moves to fend off/prepare for  Andrew Sabisky's attack with his burning stick. Or you can run.

To the EAST lies a TRAIN STATION behind a FENCE.

To the South WEST you can probably run back to your FLAT.

To the NORTH is a 24/7 TESCO.

Or you can choose to fight him.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Go tesco make petrol bomb

[Ferris]

2nd move: fashion shield out of bog seat + lid. That way you've got attack and defence covered.

[PlanktonSideburns]

nice work ferris

[Ferris]

Teamwork mate.

[Kryton]

Running from the RACIST. You grab the shit-stained toilet. You fashion a crude but disgusting shield from the toilet lid and you run NORTH to the petrol station and using (TEAM WORK MATE SPECIAL ABILITY)  you fill up the bog with petrol (unleaded petrol) using a PETROL PUMP. Not quite a bomb, but it'll do. You say you to yourself.

Andrew Sabisky runs into the petrol court waving his flaming stick.

A TESCO staff member is watching the drama whilst vaping around the corner.

What next?

In your possession is a shit-stained toilet full of stolen petrol.

A bog seat shield!

[Ferris]

Burn this mother down (& hide behind bog seat shield for protection).

[Kryton]

Burn this mother down (& hide behind bog seat shield for protection).

You're unsure where his mother is! You try and think about where his mother might be (home? a bedsit?), but it's too late. A flaming lash of branches strikes you in the EYE.

YOU'RE blinded in ONE eye and lose -3 HP.

He bears down on you with his flaming branch, you deflect one or two blows with your bog seat but he seems to be running out of breath. His Mother is nowhere to be seen!

[Ferris]

You're telling me the lad with a flaming stick attacked me, holding a bog full of gasoline, outside a gas station, and the cunt didn't self immolate? I'll be honest - that's what I was relying on.

Knock the branch out his hand into the gasoline and take everyone down with me.