Your local newspaper's letters page

[weekender]

My local newspapers's letters pages are full of people who write in to complain/comment on all sorts of issues which they clearly show no understanding of.  Here is this week's favourite of mine, from the Solihull News:

If we have the best economy in Europe why do we have the worst state pension?  The indigenous Anglo Saxons will become an underpriveleged minority!

After Maxwell, why were worker's pension funds not separated from firms' assets?

We have to purchase trains, cruise ships etc from France and Germany.  Why can they still make them and we can't?

Was the mortage borrowing limit of twice the main breadwinner's wage removed in order that it could be raised to five times the joint income just to please the money lenders?

That's it, I've read it five times and I've genuinely no idea what he's complaining about, and why he thinks that the editor of the Solihull News's letters page will be able to do anything about it.  In my head, I'm reading his letter as "White Power!  Come on!".

Every know and again I feel that having read such drivel, I should respond accordingly, which I usually do by anonymous email, obviously:

With reference to Mr Sayer's letter in your last issue, I wish to point out that by law workers' pension funds have to be legally separate from firms' assets.  Unfortunately I don't have the time or the inclination to respond to his other mass simplications of incredibly compex enonomic situations - which, incidentally, appear to thinly veil his racism and xenophobia.

Best regards

I've yet to get one of my missives published, but I do feel better at having anonymously ranted to a stranger who works at the Solihull News.

So, do any of you have similar bile-inducing letters appearing in your local newspapers, and do you ever respond?

[imitationleather]

I once read a letter in the East London Advertiser complaining about all the trendy new artist types that are moving into the area. At one point she said, "If I hear one more person asking for a tall skinny latte when I'm in the queue at the Pie & Mash shop I'll scream."

This is obviously bollocks, because if there's one person who's going to know what a Pie & Mash shop is like it's a trendy new artist type. They moved into the area for generic cups of no name tea. It's what inspires them!

[chand]

I have a copy of the Manchester Evening News from a week ago or so here, and some of these letters are ridiculous (emphasis mine):

Are the Lib-Dems the Monster Raving Loony Party in disguise? My apologies to the MRLP! Join a country called Europe? No, thanks. Then it's go-karting for criminals, votes for murderers, sex education for young kids, and more immigration. I suggest Charles Kennedy accepts all future immigration in his large, spacious constituency in Scotland, and not into our overcrowded cities

I love the complete non-sequitur at the beginning which the guy must have thought was amusing. And heaven forbid that youngsters get some kind of formal education about sex.

I think abortion should be an election issue. The very high number of abortions is completely unacceptable. We must value human life in all its stages, from the cradle to the grave.

Lots of things to love about that. The first is that she seems to think that any of the parties are gonna actually do anything about abortion. It's not an election issue because no party wants to ban it, and if it's legal then you can do little to prevent the numbers, except perhaps educating kids about sex but that would piss off Not A Loony hugely. But my favourite part is the last line of that letter, which completely undermines her point, since traditionally human babies are not put into the cradle until after they are born, putting feotuses outside of her time-limit for giving a shit.

Gays are to get their own TV channel. Does this mean that all the programmes that appear on TV showing homosexual behaviour will now be restricted to this channel? Or was this just an April fools' joke?

Lot of hate, there, a lot of hate. I'm interested as to what he means by 'homosexual behaviour' on TV, because gay sex scenes are still extremely rare. Perhaps he just means any potentially gay attributes should be cleansed from our TV screens.  I'm actually struggling to form an articulate response because I just want to call this guy a cunt and maybe offer him a reach-around because I'd wager he's more curious about getting his arse fucked than he lets on. I'm assuming it's a 'he' of course, I have no idea.

There's another letter from a woman about how teenagers "rule this land" and how teachers should be able to smack them, citing the example of a school who got a guy to catch students playing truant and physically drag them back to school by their ears! Excellent. Personally, when I was young there was one teacher who used to smack kids with a huge wooden spoon, and coincidentally she was the only one I don't think I learned anything from, and certainly no-one respected her in any serious sense, she was just a batty old woman who perhaps thought she was preparing us for an adult life where we'd all get regularly beaten with spoons without trial if we weren't quiet.

And finally, this joy:

Why should Charles do as he wishes, when in the pastroyals did not marry divorcees?

No, they just had mistresses and beheaded their wives when they became inconvenient, which we'll all agree is much better than marrying someone who was once married to someone else, even if you truly love them.

[imitationleather]

Brilliant post there, chand. Can you do that every week please?

[All Surrogate]

I just want to call this guy a cunt and maybe offer him a reach-around because I'd wager he's more curious about getting his arse fucked than he lets on.

And they say chivalry is dead. ;)

[Hypnotoad.]

Was the mortage borrowing limit of twice the main breadwinner's wage removed in order that it could be raised to five times the joint income just to please the money lenders?

Thats a good point though

[qki]

chand, that post made me laugh more than anything else I've seen on CaB. Thank you.

[weekender]

Yes, well done chand for taking what was my great idea and making it slightly funnier to serve your own needs and make yourself look big and clever, you tosser.

[chand]

Well I actually saved the paper that had these letters in from last week cos they were so brilliantly idiotic that I was going to write a journal entry about them.

I'd love it if this was entire basis of the EU Constitution:

go-karting for criminals, votes for murderers, sex education for young kids, and more immigration.

[Tina]

Well I actually saved the paper that had these letters in from last week cos they were so brilliantly idiotic that I was going to write a journal entry about them.

I'd love it if this was entire basis of the EU Constitution:

go-karting for criminals, votes for murderers, sex education for young kids, and more immigration.

haha ace.

you always go on about the letters in the paper. i think its actually quite cool you have such things. we dont really have a local paper like that in zagreb. we have national paper with similar letter pages. But local has its charm. :D
Boohoo the bin on the corner of church road and ashton road has been flipped over for a week, MY TAX MONEY, waaah!!

[Still Not George]

Boohoo the bin on the corner of church road and ashton road has been flipped over for a week, MY TAX MONEY, waaah!!

I think that quite neatly sums up 98% of letters to local papers, doesn't it? Thank you.

[Cerys]

Wasn't there a letter in the Cambrian News recently in which some numpty slated a cyclist for swerving around a pedestrian (possibly the same numpty) who'd stepped out into the road without looking?

[Santa's Boyfriend]

Found this headline in my parents' local paper:  

a Wotton-under-Edge businessman was sworn in as the new High Sheriff of Gloucestershire.

How cool is that?!?  He has to go out on his horse every day catching highwaymen and bothering merry men with his dastardly schemes.

and here's a letter from a farmer who has clearly been at the ketamine:

I HOPE I can offer Graham Wiltshire and others a little hope for the future and some respite from the blight in all our lives that is political correctness.

Early last Sunday morning I passed by the field in Babdown that has been the subject or so much recent controversy. I am happy to report that the black and white sheep were quietly mingling together in a visually pleasing checkerboard effect. Proof, if any were needed, that when it comes to integration, British sheep are the best.

[untitled_london]

Proof, if any were needed, that when it comes to integration, British sheep are the best.

outstanding!

cheers for that chand also -  laugh-out-loud-refreshing.

[The Duck Man]

A letter in our local - the Lymington Times (famous for it's dour headlines: "Mayor hangs wife from bannister!") - caught my eye the other day.

It argued that the new pink bin bags in our area where an attempt by the "recycling police" to see whether you were recycling enough and if not you'd "no doubt be punished"

[Jimmy]

Heh, I remember starting a thread on this subject absolutely ages ago.

Reccurring topics are usually

Immigration, pandering to minorities,political correctness gone maaaaad and 'liberal do-gooders' and the 'meddling PC Brigade'.

The state of things today, not as good as it used to be, youth have no respect (despite the fact that most bigotry and intolerance on the letters page comes from elderly people wriyting in)

Wastes of tax payers money- in particular anything connected with art is usually dismissed as pretentious and an eyesore. "That new sculpture looks ridiculous, my 5 year old son could do better- what a waste!"

And lots of people writing in to say thanks to that person who picked me up when I collapsed in the high street/returned my lost handbag etc.

The stupidity and ignorance of the letters page is amazing, I try to stay away from it as it makes me angry but I just can't help myself. I've written in myself a couple of times as well.

This recent contradiction made me laugh:

Murder is the most heinous and inexcusable of all crimes. The scum who committed this act should hang.

[zozman]

Any idea what this one's about?

May I grab a little space as a prelude to May's election.

We shall be subjected to hours of discussion on TV, unlike the old days when it was exciting and live. One especially I remember, a Baronet v a builder, Sir Berkeley Sheffield v Quibell (later made Lord).

Luckily, living near the church hall (Tin Tab) we could slip in the door and listen to the hullabaloo going on between speakers and hecklers in Hibaldstow.

Outside, a rebel classmate switched the streamers from Bentley to Ford, while our bobby turned a blind eye.

Another incident I bragged about - I was invited on a car ride to Lincoln with my friend, the headmaster's daughter, to a meeting or audience with the Prime Minister, Ramsay MacDonald. What a charmer - my teenage pin-up.

From the splendidly named Daisy East in today's Scunthorpe Telegraph

I can see where she's coming from - phwoar



New thread idea - "Do you know which pre-war Prime Minister I fancy"

[mothman]

Dear Freddy Grisewood, Bagshot, Surrey.

As a prolific letter-writer, I feel I must protest about the previous letter. I am nearly sixty and am quite mad, but I do enjoy listening to the BBC Home Service. If this continues to go on unabated ...Dunkirk... dark days of the war... backs to the wall... Alvar Liddell ... Berlin air lift ... moral upheaval of Profumo case ... young hippies roaming the streets, raping, looting and killing.

Yours etc., Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop (Mrs).

[Jemble Fred]

indigenous Anglo Saxons

Oxymoron.

[Adrian Brezhnev]

All that stuff from Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop (Mrs).

Quite.

[Cliche Guevara]

This isn't from a local newspaper letters page, but rather the BBC website in a "have your say" section on the immigration issue. Nevertheless I feel it is of comical relevence.

I don't think immigrants should come here because they take over everything. We're not being allowed to put our St. Georges day flags up in Hackney because it would offend others - they should go away then!

Yeah, yeah. First they got our cornershops, now they're fucking governing the country.

The racist hag.

And if someone is offended by something they should submit and leave? It's like telling a black man to get out of the country (rather than try and challenge the problem) if he is subjected to racist insults.

Signs should be erected at the borders right away stating, "Welcome to England - Not for the easily offended".

I'm sure her Anglo-Saxon ancestry did not begin on the British island. She seems to think she has an inherent right to stake a claim over the land.

I bet she's Nick Griffin's tea-lady.

[Rats]

"Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel". I've always been perplexed by it, maybe it's because we haven't had a pulling together and fighting of a universal enemy in my time. I'd stick up for my family but the rest of the country can get to fuckery, "there is no society".

Cobbled Streets

You don't feel for your community
You feel each foes forced immunity
Where to start
Who's a part
Kick the cart

Sorry, I've been reading my old poetry from when I was a snotty nosed oik. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, I can't see that we have anything to be proud of, fundamental rights are worth fighting for, I suppose I've just never known any different, we really do have it pretty good in this country.

[Sid8800]

The poems are always the worst, people who write them think that there are two universal laws of poetry:
1 Every line must rhyme
2 nothing other than rhyming is required

I once wrote a really stupid letter to see if it got printed. it had lines like " AND I AM ANNOYED!!!". Something about mouse and owl conspiracies and a slogan that could be acronymed to CUNT. About 4 days later it was in.

One classic headline was "Man dies of natural causes".

[The Duck Man]

What we need...is a good war.

[zozman]

*bump*

Local person solves problem of terrorism.

With all this terrorism going on and suicide bombers taking lives in this country, I think one way of combating the problem to a certain degree is to hold the families of the terrorist/suicide bombers responsible for any offences the terrorist has committed.

In the first instance, the terrorist might think twice if they knew their families would be charged with and imprisoned for murder, also they would no longer be thought of as martyrs by their friends and families. Also the families to whom these suicide bombers/terrorists belong would keep a closer eye on them and make sure they did not cause trouble, for the families must have some idea what they are up to - secret meetings, trips abroad etc.

I know a lot of do-gooders would be against this idea, but if a system like this placed 100 family members in prison for crimes their family members committed and saved one innocent life, surely it would be worth it.

Genius.

[A Passing Turk Slipper]

Oh God. And People like this actually exist. On the font page of my local paper a couple a weeks ago was a story about a dog which jumped into a river, looked to be having a bit of trouble swimming but managed to get to the side again and was okay. Not only was this the front page story of the paper, but it was ran for two weeks running.

[Swizzle_Stick]

A few weeks ago in my local paper, there was a story about a man who went on a week long bender, he; "swung a live badger around by it's legs, tore the head off a rabbit in front of terrified and bemeaused youngsters, threw oil and eggs at various washing lines....." The article ended saying; "he caused £23 worth of damage." That's surely the most devastating bit. This man is still at large too. Last week I read an article entitled "Man caught throwing duck". Hmm, I have my suspicions.

[terminallyrelaxed]

My local paper at work, The Wharf, doesnt have a letters page, but the front page story this week is about how the IRA being in the news reminds people of the docklands bomb 9 years ago. Theres a feature on how "former brookside star is one of the celebs at quayside beach party" - further investigation of the mugshot on the feature reveals him to be Philip Olivier, who played 'tin head'. No, no idea, but you can cattch him at the beach party (20 tonnes od sand) in the last weekend in August.

[Clinton Morgan]

There used to be a mid-week freebie version of 'Reading Evening Post' called 'Reading Central' that came through the letter box. On the cover of one issue was an article about how a shocked woman returned her son's Eminem (and a few others) CD(s) to the record store. What made it worst for the poor chap was that his name was mentioned in the paper and (I think) where he was from. To rub salt in the wound his mother was quoted as saying that he was a nice boy.

Poor kid must have had a ribbing from his mates. I've got the article in a scrapbook somewhere. If I find it I'll try and scan it and upload it here.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

*bump*

Local person solves problem of terrorism.

With all this terrorism going on and suicide bombers taking lives in this country, I think one way of combating the problem to a certain degree is to hold the families of the terrorist/suicide bombers responsible for any offences the terrorist has committed.

[snip]

This man is clearly a dictator-in-waiting.  The method he describes above is the method employed by Saddam Hussein against insurgents, and it was very effective - in fact one of my friends sought asylum here because his brother had been a revolutionary, and had taken part in the 1991 Kurdish uprising.  As a result my friend was thrown in prison and tortured when they realised his brother had fled to Iran.

I think this method was first employed by Stalin.  That's where Saddam got a lot of his ideas from, anyway.