Your local newspaper's letters page

[Santa's Boyfriend]

Another gem of a story from my Parents' local paper.  Welcome to NIMBY hell.

Hedge law is success
by Sarah Carless

NEW laws to resolve rows over the height of hedges have been a success across the district.

Under Section 8 of the Anti-Social Behaviour Act 2003, which came into force on June 1, local authorities have legal powers to resolve disputes by controlling the height of problem hedges.

At a full meeting of Stroud District Council at Ebley Mill last Thursday, it was revealed that the council had sent out 45 information packs on the Act and had become involved in 16 cases - all of which have been resolved locally.

Just one case has been taken further and is being pursued as an official complaint under the terms of the Act.

[snip]

North Nibley pensioner John Machin is the first people to take advantage of the new high hedge laws after deciding his neighbours 12ft Leylandii hedge is far too high.

Mr Machin has made an official complaint to Stroud District Council, who now have the power to cut it down to size.

[terminallyrelaxed]

Well, 12ft is quite tall. I'm sure he didnt buy his house-with-garden for it to sit in darkness 23 hours a day.

[Harfyyn Teuport]

I know a lot of do-gooders would be against this idea, but if a system like this placed 100 family members in prison for crimes their family members committed and saved one innocent life, surely it would be worth it.

Do-gooders? I usually assume that all people genuinely believe that they are good people, but this guy seems to relish being evil like some sort of Middle English supervillain. I can't help imagining him writing this, turning from his desk to turn a few notches on the rack he has his victims strapped in to, rubbing his hands together with glee.

[TotalNightmare]

There is a coffee table book in here somewhere.

We all collect these letters, change the names, and offer a reply with witty and or scathing comments...

and see us reap the rewards.

Bringing satire to shame the public... as frankly, i think most of the people in power couldnt give a shit about what Rory Bremner think now!

[amp]

Ghurka glimpse

Would the young man who took photographs of the Ghurka dancers at Haxby Carnival on July 9 please contact the writer as the Haxby Carnival Committee would like to have copies of the photographs.

The writer is a member of that committee.

Muriel Pirozek,
38 York Road,
Haxby, York

...got me thinking...

Bird call

Can that bird who kept smiling at me in The Lowther the other night give us a call, I'm well up for some.

I have a swollen member.

Amp,
07890 123456

[amp]

A number of geese are suffering injuries because of the sheer volume of them.

I think the council could do better with this problem. Ideally if each pair of birds were only allowed one gosling per family, numbers would decline eventually.

Yeah, we could get them to fill in application forms and everything...

Give this man a machete and I'm sure he can take care of the problem on his todd:

SARAH Bramley is a little naive in her ideas about controlling the numbers of geese in Rowntree Park.

She should know that while there is a surplus of food, the numbers of geese will increase. If the council do destroy their eggs, the birds will simply lay more in less accessible places.

There are only two ways one can control them; either by cutting off their food, clearly impossible, or by killing them. If you choose the latter, they would have to be regularly culled or it would be ineffective.

Clever little sly fuckers, them geese.

[sick as a pike]

The fair in St Austell is having a special afternoon for the disabled.  The rides of course going just that little bit slower.

The second sentence sounding both patronising and that the newsreader was doing a public service i.e. "Don't worry, their rubbery necks won't be letting their pale oversized heads flail about, hurling wads of frothy snot into real people's faces."

[amp]

LOL @ "real"

[Morrisfan82]

The fair in St Austell is having a special afternoon for the disabled.  The rides of course going just that little bit slower.

Jesus christ. He might as well have said '...The rides of course going just that little bit more spazzily'.

[dumpster]

In Barrow in Furness, the front page story of their local paper (about 5 years ago, when I briefly moved there and was looking for a flat) was:

Man Almost Has Chip-Pan Fire.


I remember this well, because, to this day, I never worked out what the difference was between "almost having a chip pan fire" and "cooking chips".

[Mr Flunchy]

In the thrilling 'Exmouth Journal', the incredibly dull read from my Gran's home town, there must be thousand of non-stories.  My favourite went something along these lines.

'Post Office Mystery'

"The owner of the Post Office on Greenway Lane was spotted putting up new shelves on Monday.  Residents have gathered and speculation is building as to what will be on the new shelves."

Also, not so long ago, the front page was devoted to a rabbit that had got stuck in a fence, and later freed by firefighters.  Here's the top stories today from their websitel

'Shop Staff Fear Abuse'
'Thieves rob Frank's Plants'

Still, I suppose it's nicer than picking up the Manchester Evening News and seeing '14 year old rapes 5 in park'.

[zozman]

When I lived in Cornwall the top story one night was that a cat had gone into a shop and fell asleep.  They dragged this out to about 15 minutes, with interviews outside the shop in case you couldn't imagine what a shop looked like.

They didn't interview the cat though.

[SweetRosalyn]

There was a wonderful one a little while back, I can't find the exact article: One of the plant shops left their bonsai trees outside overnight.  The bonsai trees (some of which were very expensive, apparently) were stolen... and then returned.

Silly fuck for leaving the trees outside, what did she expect? And you've got to wonder about the 'vandals' that stole them... what did they do, take them for a walk, then get bored?

[Mr. Analytical]

A friend of mine used to write fake letters to the local paper and got a beautiful one published around the time they closed the London Zoo elephant house.

He was writing as Brigadier something or other and the letter was how he'd first encountered one of these magnificent animals whilst serving with the King's highland rifles in In-Jah and it had saved its life.  It finished with "they may take our Empire but they'll never take our elephants!"

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

Two letters from yesterday's Birmingham Evening Mail:

Hussein Abbas of Kings Heath writes:

Rob Pocock described Islam as a distorted, primitive and brutal version of the past and he claimed Muslims should be listening to the Muslim writer Salman Rushdie (Mail, September 8).

Well, it would be nice if he got his facts right.  Salman Rushdie has consistently denied being a Muslim.

I would be pleased if Mr Pocock would get his facts in order in the future.

So let's be clear, Islam may very well be a distorted, primitive and brutal version of the past, but Salman Rushdie is NOT a Muslim.


Mrs C J Longhurst of Birmingham:

They say smoking causes small babies.  I have three children and smoked with all of them. My first born was a boy and weighed 8lb 6oz, my second was a boy and weighed 10lb 3oz.  My third a girl who weighed 8lb 12oz.

My father-in-law was 94 when he died and smoked 100 Woodbines every day.  My mother-in-law was 87 and she also smoked.

Well that's proof if ever I heard it.  Perhaps if her mother-in-law smoked as much as her father-in-law she would have lived longer.  And what's that got to do with small babies anyway?

[imitationleather]

100 Woodbines a day? He must be the only person who smells better dead than alive.

[king_tubby]

That last one was one of you lot.

[gazzyk1ns]

Brilliant, I was searching for this thread about a week ago, but I couldn't remember the title and so drew a blank. Anyway, here's one from the "Community News", of my small hometown - it's clearly edited by a 90 year old who has never left the area, and all the "letters to the editor" come from similar people. Take this one for example, typed exactly as printed - I think it's referring to some minor vandalism:

Ornithology the scientific study of birds is an exact science, I get a lot of pleasure watching the birds that visit my garden. We have "Blackie" that's what we call him, he is a very brave blackbird, who to date has fathered three broods of young, he is brave in as much that with his antics of dive bombing any large bird that comes within distance of his nest, Jackdaws, Pigeons, Crows etc; The starling has been very popular with my lawns, they have done a good job aerating, saving me the task, at the same time feeding on the leather jackets and other grubs that lay hidden beneath the soil. On this subject of birds I would like to draw your attention to the CCTV camera on the corner of Inkerman Terrace/George street, while walking down George street recently, I did but notice that the camera was pointing in the direction of Cock's (Cox's) park, my mind thought, Is the operator at Police HQ. trying to locate the crows and rooks that reside in the trees, at the same time is he in contact with Bill Oddey, of the BBC's Bird Watch programme!!! I often wonder If all of our CCTV camera actually move, They Do!!! The question I ask my self, is do they see anything!! Judging by the state of the toilets in Magdalen road, where more half of the tiles have been erased, does anybody care, surely there are persons out there who know the culprit/culprits who have done this wanton damage to the tiles and overall effects of the toilets as a whole. These people who have carried out this damage, should be sort, and brought to book, and be made to pay for All the damage. Again, I would ask where is, or are the police on the beat? Riding around in their cars, the motorist being a much easier target.

[imitationleather]

Was the return address Colonel Maddo's Prison for the Mindly Unwell?

[Morgan]

You've made my year, Gaz.

[falafel]

[...]my mind thought, Is the operator at Police HQ. trying to locate the crows and rooks that reside in the trees, at the same time is he in contact with Bill Oddey, of the BBC's Bird Watch programme!!! I often wonder If all of our CCTV camera actually move, They Do!!!

HA!

Thank you.

[gazzyk1ns]

I just remembered that I have a shitty scanner, here is proof I wasn't making it up. The little letter at the top of the page gives you an idea of the significance of the letters.

[Divnee Gan]

Haha brilliant. How do you erase a tile? Surely only God could do that.

[Morgan]

This one makes absolutely no sense at all.


DOES BOROUGH NEED MONEY?
Irony is amusing.  The eye-catching sign known as the Millenium (sic) Milepost, which was designed by English artist, John Mills, was ironically described as 'two metres tall' in the Bury Free Press (August 12).
Another article informed us that St Edmundsbury Borough Council bosses wrote off £157,000 in unpaid Council Tax and business rate debt while a further article told that the same council is considering charging disabled blue badge holders for parking in the borough.
Is this a case of penny pinching?  Perhaps Mike Brundle is right when he describes Bury Town Council as 'an absolute total waste of money' and should be wound up.  Perhaps the money could go the cash-strapped borough council.

Ian Smith
Philip Road
Bury St Edmunds

[Mister Cairo]

I've just noticed that the small letter above the one about CCTV and birds has its last sentece written in capitals

"IT WAS VERY KIND OF THEM. THANK YOU"

as if he's dicating the letter to someone on the shore, and he's floating away slowly on a ship.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

pointing in the direction of Cock's (Cox's) park

I thought you had corrected his Cock's error there, but, no, that is exactly how it's printed. Brilliant. This man should get his own show.

[gazzyk1ns]

It's not a letter, but I still thought I'd type the headline(s) and two paragraphss from an article in today's East Anglian Daily Times in here:

Councillor in racism row defends himself
'When my daughter asked to marry a black man, I gave my blessing'

A COUNCILLOR who made a racially offensive comment in a public library has come out fighting to defend his reputation after quitting the county council's ruling Conservative administration.

"My first wife died and left me with three girls to bring up on my own. When one of them said she wanted to get married to a black man, I gave this a lot of thought, and I gave them my blessing."

To be clear, that second paragraph wasn't the comment which caused the fuss, that's what he's deliberately come out to say to try to convince people he's not racist, after the allegations about the racist comment in the library. I'm not entirely convinced, myself...

[levitica]

My local paper is terrible.  I bought a copy a couple of weeks ago and after headlines reading "Man Pulls Woman's Hair" and "Cat Bites Dog" I just gave up.

[gazzyk1ns]

Hah, I just Googled around for that^ bloke to try to find out what he actually said and it gets worse, why he chose to go to the press and bring the matter to anyone else's attention I don't know. click

[slim]

I've read about that wanker at length in Private Eye. Fantastically contrived Star Wars excuse. I know kids at school who'd have been proud at that.

Apparently the Standards Board have let him off the hook too. He's a Suffolk councillor, isn't he?