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Your local newspaper's letters page

Started by weekender, April 16, 2005, 02:18:44 PM

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gazzyk1ns

Apparently he quit the Conservative group at Suffolk County Council (hopefully he was made to do it, I assume that was the case... no idea how these things work) but he's still an independent councillor there. He also remains a Stowmarket town councillor, though apparently everyone involved there wants him out too. That's all from this EADT article by the way, I don't think I'd heard of him before today. I might scan the article when I get the chance, I was going to initially because he denies it all, at length, and puts it down to colleagues wanting him out - that's now doubly interesting considering he clearly is what he's been accused of. Like I said, christ knows why he's making a fuss and letting more people know about the whole thing.

slim

Without wishing to sound ageist, I do wonder if his faculties are failing a little. He does seem content to mouth off about it when you'd expect he'd want to keep it as quiet as possible. I'd transcribe the Eye articles for you, but I give all my old Eye issues to my Dad so I'm afraid I no longer have them.

It's brilliant he was caught, rather less amusing he's not been properly punished.

zozman

On a similar note, our local councillor leading on diversity recently referred to a new organisation, in a public meeting, as a "n**ger in the woodpile".

Guess which party she belongs to.

sproggy

Quote from: "zozman"On a similar note, our local councillor leading on diversity recently referred to a new organisation, in a public meeting, as a "n**ger in the woodpile".

Guess which party she belongs to.

I do hope you're not stereotyping a white middle class, honest and decent, payed-up member of the West African Lumberjack Party ;-)

That would never do.

gazzyk1ns

Heh, that reminds me of something else which was in the EADT around the time of the Asian Tsunami - as you'd expect, people from "the area" had been confirmed as being amongst the dead. One of the victims worked in a factory (or whatever), one of EADT journalists had written a big article which included the line "We've already seen on the news what a tragedy this is, but when you learn that honest, hard-working people from the same county as you were involved, you really start to appreciate the scale of the disaster.".

The EADT is great, most of the people who work for it just sound like normal journalists, but there are a handful of real country people who have weekly columns - I remember in the summer, one of them (a middle-aged woman who is also inexplicably the resident TV reviewer) wrote what must have been a few thousand words which boiled down to "I don't actually know what cricket is, and I've always hated it when I've been forced to watch it, but it's bloody great, isn't it? Hooray!".

gazzyk1ns

BUMP

Excellent, just got the January edition of my local community news and this bloke has written in again. Sadly there's no update regarding Blackie's progress, but still, he's as entertaining as ever:



I had to splice two bits together so you might spot an imperfection, but I've not pissed about with it at all, like last time, that's exactly how it was printed.

butnut

Haha, he's great. You should seriously write in and demand that he gets his own column in that paper.

gazzyk1ns

That's a great idea, consider it done. It would be brilliant if he got his own column, I'd want to have regular Blackie updates though.

weekender

One of my favourites, Harry Scharf, has written into the Solihull News this week with this gem:

Quote from: "Harry Scharf"I was saddened to see pictures of children acting in nativity plays who are being brainwashed into believing Christmas is about a baby born in a manger, and about angels.  

Why should the shepherds have left their sheep and risked them being eaten by marauding carnivores?  And had the kings not got better things to do?

Christmas is all about sentiment and an evocation of one's misspent childhood.

Thanks Harry.  Not sure which side of the religious fence you're trying to sit on there.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Haha!

QuoteChristmas is all about sentiment and an evocation of one's misspent childhood.

Brilliant. I love stuff like this. Gazzy's local strangeman was pretty funny too. How the hell could anyone even consider writing in an argument that lurches towards three different topics and then weirdly trails off befpore discussing any of them? It's the confused words of a man whose brain is running out.

Quoteeaten by marauding carnivores

I really hope that wasn't a reference to dinosaurs.

Mister Cairo

A Mr Simon Jefferson has managed to get two letters published in this week's Oxford Times, one exorting people to pick up more litter. I couldn't find them to put on here but here is a good one from the Oxford Mail

QuoteIn Iraq, a voter complained that Christians had no voice in politics, cannot celebrate Christmas, are afraid of going to church and children are not allowed to wear a Christian cross at school.

The last statement rings true of PC Britain. The atheists wish to spread their own religion.

Beware, Muslims, you are their next target.

Glyn Limmer

Roosevelt Road

Long Hanborough

jimmy jazz

Cairo, that is perhaprs the greatest thing I have ever read, just because it doesn't make any sense at all but, if you just skim, is as lucid as any other. It's like one of those pictures that are just dots, but you see a car or whatever in them.

zozman

Oh, this is wrong on so many levels, bu particularly around levels 4 and 8.

QuoteJames Blunt's Back to Bedlam CD turns emotion into an art form, with brilliant songs about love and war.

I got especially hooked on his 'Cry' song, and played it constantly. This could be unhealthy for me, because I am no spring chicken and brilliant emotional songs could be dangerous medicine.

It is accepted crying can be a good emotional release, so long as you don't get hooked on the experience, and don't start enjoying it too much in a self-indulgent way.

Max Nottingham

Lincoln.

Utter Shit

Max Nottingham is an exceptional moniker, I wish that was my name.

Purple Tentacle

It's a shame he lives in Lincoln, really. What a waste.

I'd love to be HIS neighbour, listening to James Blunt and incessent sobbing, morning noon and night.

You could try wanking to the sound of his tears?

Purple Tentacle

Hehe, I saw my upstairs neighbour the other day, I tried to say hello but when she saw me her eyes grew to the size of huge ping-pong balls and she ran away.

Welcome to the cheese nightmare that is my life.

hansen mork

My uncle's a bit of a hermit and oddbod. He gets loads of local papers and out of date magazines whenever he comes across them (waiting rooms and such), and he cuts out the star letters. He then copies them out and puts his name on the bottom before sending them off to other publications. He actually wins a fair bit of pointless stuff and tiny monetary sums.

gazzyk1ns

I promise I'm not making these up:



Sorry about the slightly dodgy scan, and the fact that it's a really tall image. It's printed narrow like that though, I think it adds to his insane sentence structures.

Littlejohn

Taken from a letter in the West Briton, 15 December:
QuoteI get quite fed up with the noise the crows make when the start nesting in the spring, but I would get really upset if anybody suggested moving the trees to get rid of them.

Please think a little more before complaining and realise what sad and brave stories lie behind those strange sounds.
Anyone care to guess what it was in reply to?

There was a report on Breakfast News this morning about how people are buying gardens of large houses to build on.  There was a woman on there who was introduced by name and then described as, "she's from Tunbridge Wells and she's disgusted."  Aha, I thought, the well-known Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells is finally seen on camera.

Made me chuckle anyway.

weekender

From this week's Shirley Observer:

Quote from: "ST Vaughan""Four men pulling" is a great contribution to Solihull's cultural and artistic collection, but isn't it somewhat ironic in a time when our NHS dental service is in meltdown, that such a symbolic statue should come to the Midlands?  Perhaps Taylor Woodrow would let it become the new logo for Britain's dental practitioners.

I think it's some art thing or other based on Taylor Woodrow's logo, but it makes me smile to think of it as something else, and I don't mean in relation to dentistry.

Here's my favourite letter this week though, from the Birmingham News:

Quote from: "Clint Grimshaw"I am appalled at the views of one of your columnists Damian O'Loughlin.  In this day and age anti views should not be tolerated.

He claims he has nothing against gays but gay and cowboy should not appear in the same sentence.  Why?  Because of his antiquated views on homosexuality that they are all camp and effeminate.

For Mr O'Loughlin's information there has been gay cowboys for years.  Oh dear has it just burst your bubble?  Gay men come in all shapes and forms and from all walks of life and he may even be sitting next to one right now.  That big butch bloke, I repeat butch bloke, working out at the gym may also be gay so wake up Mr O'Loughlin and stop spreading your guarded bigotry because we don't want to hear it.

I would rather you came straight out and said you didn't like gays instead of saying "homosexuality is one of those things you just let people get on with".

Of course, unless it interferes with your views on what a gay man should be and that it doesn't interfere with your precious Westerns because they are so macho and gay men can never be that.

If you call yourself a journalist, go and do some research and you will find amongst gay men a lot of butch macho GAY men also."

Interestingly, whilst Solihull probably has its fair share of homosexuals I have never been aware of a large cowboy community in the town.

Clinton Morgan

Taken from the defunct free paper 'Reading Central' dated Thursday July 27 2000. It has a photo of a restful Marshall Mathers with the caption 'Eminem, who's appearing at this year's Reading Festival - his CD gives instructions on how to rape'.

Quote'Frightened' By CD Lyrics

A CONCERNED Reading mum has called for new laws regarding the sale of CDs and tapes containing offensive lyrics.
Her 11-year-old son bought three singles whose lyrics shocked her.
Jane Wicks, of St Saviour's Road, Coley Park, said: "We're not over-protective parents, but the lyrics on these songs are unbelievable.
"My son Christian is 11, but he looks about nine, and now he thinks it's cool to quote the lyrics, as an 11-year-old would.
"I'm frightened for him because he could be influenced by these songs."
In an official letter to record companies, The British Phonographic Industry (BPI) suggests record companies follow similar guidelines to those used for video classifications.
The BPI suggests record companies use stickers which read: "Parental Guidance: Explicit Lyrics" but there is no law preventing the sale of music with offensive lyrics to children.
Christian bought two of the singles in HMV in The Oracle - Marilyn Manson's I Don't Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me) and Slipknot's Wait and Bleed. They did not have parental advisory stickers.
Lyrics from two of the CDs contained explicit references to drugs and suicide, and Mrs Wicks said the third CD, a single by Eminem bought at Virgin Megastore, "gives instructions on how to drug-rape
a woman".
The 84-year-old mother [I've only just noticed this typo] of four said: "I have no problem with the stores as they took the CDs back when I spoke to them."
But she added: "I think the record companies are irresponsible.
"It seems to be children they're aiming at. I would like to see a censorship law like there is with films."
A spokeswoman for Virgin Megastores, where the Eminem single was bought, said: "It's not Virgin's role to act as a censor as there is no set law."
A spokeswoman for Roadrunner Records, which released the Slipknot single, said: "We don't have a general policy. We have no comment. People get upset about this every day." Eminem and Slipknot
are due to appear at this year's Reading Festival.

Poor kid. Not only did the article give his full name, but where he lives and to add salt to the wound quoted his mother as saying he's eleven but looks about nine.

lankinpark

Quote
Christian bought two of the singles in HMV in The Oracle - Marilyn Manson's I Don't Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me) and Slipknot's Wait and Bleed. They did not have parental advisory stickers.

Although if she'd actually listened to the songs...

No, I can see why she might find the Marilyn Manson offensive, because it does contain references that might bother her, but Slipknot? Not only can you not make out the words, but none of them are offensive.

People like her bother me.

Joy Nktonga

Aw, come on. She is 84. Probably very out of touch with the world her 11 year old son lives in.

weekender

I've got some nice pieces of hatred for you this week.  Firstly, from the Birmingham News comes a two-pronged attack on local moaner ST Vaughan (see my post last week for an example of his work).  I liked the newspaper's use of key words as the headings - 'Rambling', 'Mundane' followed by 'It's him again'.  I scanned this one on so you could see it in all its glory:

ST Vaughan is hated.

Sorry it's upside down, I'm shit at scanning.  I enjoy the way Mr Vaughan gets attacked, and then just rambles on about another issue he's decided to comment on this week.

Secondly, here's a story from the Solihull News, which despite the blatant and shocking racist content, I still find quite funny because I'm like that:

Quote from: "Ashamed"As racism is very much in the news at present, let me share a piece of racism that I had the misfortune to witness on Saturday February 4.

My boyfriend and I had stumbled upon a delightful, German-run cafe restaurant on the Stratford Road.  While enjoying my lunch, I was utterly mortified to see a man walk up to the counter and perform a full blown, heel clicking, Sieg Heil salute to the woman behind the counter.

I am going to assume that this man is ignorant of the depth of insult that this gesture imparts.  In which case, let me enlighten you.  To imply that a decent German person is a Nazi is one of the most cruel and unforgivable things you can do.  Please don't ever do it again.  You made me ashamed to be British.

I like the way that she assumes that the racist bloke will read the Solihull News and immediately see the error of his ways.  "Oh gosh, what was I thinking?  Perhaps the goose-stepping out of the door was a bit offensive too?  I should go back and apologise for I have shamed our nation".

Finally, another mental old favourite of mine, Don Bargery from Alston Road, gets a right battering in this letter:

Quote from: "Derek Simpson"Over recent months it has been impossible not to be aware of the many letters penned by the fair hand of Mr Don Bargery.  Who is this egotistical self-righteous know-it-all, who presumes to be an authority on everything, a paragon of virtue no less?

There are many ways of interpreting letters and I would suggest that he gets a life instead of continually criticising well-meaning people and everything and anything in general.

If only we were all as knowledgeable and perfect as he thinks he is.  I would suggest that Mr Bargery reads some of his past letters carefully to see what I mean.  What divine power makes his opinion the right ones?

For everyone's sake, give it a rest, we are bored with you.

The brilliant thing about this letter is not the fact that it's a hate-filled rant at an elderly gentlemen or anything, that would be good in itself.  No, the best thing about this letter is that it is immediately followed by this letter from Mr Bargery:

Quote from: "Don Bargery"An old person's (Valentine) thoughts.

Sadly with old age, we lose many of our nearest and dearest, knowing that in the not too distant future we will also enter another world.

At nearly 79, I reflect on a lifetime experience of mixed joy and sadness.  My original family is no longer with me, but for the last 18 years I've had a marvellous wife, five stepchildren, their spouses and eight grandchildren.  Who could be luckier than me as they all radiate genuine love and affection.

Loneliness of people without families is long and painful.  That's when we recognise and appreciate our true remaining friends (including our pets), whilst being aware there is still much kindness in this troubled world.  We should strive to gain long-time friends, rather than needlessly make enemies.  This advice applies especially to politics and religion.  I close by wishing everyone a happy and peaceful future.

Fucking brilliant.  Do you feel guilty now, Derek Simpson?  DO YOU???

wheatgod

Cheers for the effort of transcription, people, these are great fun to read.

Artemis

I agree with chand, the Manchester Evening News seems to consistently provide the most uneducated, ill-informed, knee-jerk, reactionary opinion and completely irrelevant comment around. It's become funny to read.

Here's an example or two. Sometimes, contributors just send in random and indiscriminatory rants of bleakness.

Quote from: "Tom Mac"The concern for grey squirrals is an admirable trait. Sadly, it is also a British defect that we care more for animals than we do for our fellow human beings. Our children's welfare and the needs of the elderly and disabled take priority. The future for these human beings is much bleaker than the squirrals'. A nation which places concern for animals over the safety and protection of our elders and our children has no right to call itself civilised.

Firstly, no-one was suggesting we save the grey squirral ahead of taking care of children, but what I particularly like is that he can't just make the point - he has to provide his lovely, heart-warming prophecy: much bleakness. Thank you, Mr. Mac.

Here's another beauty - just selected quotes, but don't worry-  the bits i'm leaving out provide absolutely no basis or balance whatsoever.

Quote from: "Surrounded By Shell-Suited Ferels"Britain has bred 1m-plus ferel yobs who wreck and menace, while national politicians dither and prattle .... And I would have "ferrel youth courts" to hear cases aainst these juvenille monsters, not expensive public courts that provide a good living for manipulative, self-serving barristers. In a phrase, justice and protection for the public.

Aside from the name, what I love is the patently obvious agenda of the contributor - something common to nearly all these miserable, negative people who contribute to local newspaper's letters pages: they have had a bad experience, and they're angry that it's soiled their otherwise fairly harmless view of the world.

weekender

Quote from: "Artemis"what I love is the patently obvious agenda of the contributor - something common to nearly all these miserable, negative people who contribute to local newspaper's letters pages: they have had a bad experience, and they're angry that it's soiled their otherwise fairly harmless view of the world.

The agenda of the contributors is admirable.  What I love is the fact that they have no idea what to do practically do about their concerns, so they write a letter to their local newspaper instead.

Artemis

Quote from: "weekender"The agenda of the contributors is admirable.
Is it? How so?

QuoteWhat I love is the fact that they have no idea what to do practically do about their concerns, so they write a letter to their local newspaper instead.
Haha, agreed. The best ones are the ones that refer to the random person who got their goat, as if they'll be reading it and immediately come to a recognition and sense of remorse or something.