Author Topic: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”  (Read 1254 times)

Paul Calf

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“If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« on: February 13, 2020, 09:53:06 AM »
I’m currently hooked up to a drip containing a drug that will stop my liver failing as a result of my temporary inability to remember that paracetamol and acetaminophen are the same fucking thing. I have been here for eight hours and will be here for at least another 15. It’s really fucking dull.

A couple of years ago, I was walking down a street of Victorian terraces when a large chunk of masonry toppled from the roof, missing my head by such a small margin that I felt the air that it displaced on my left ear.

In 2007, I was speeding down a dirt road on a 250cc scooter when I took left-hand bend  too wide, drifted into the wrong lane and front-ended a pickup truck coming in the opposite direction.

When have you stared death in the face, called his bluff and found him wanting?

Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2020, 10:00:30 AM »
Holiday in Iceland, driving back from Jokulsarlon going up the mountainous bit between Vik and Reykjavik, woke up with two wheels on the gravel and instinctively swerved right, off the road towards the sheer drop.

Norton Canes

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2020, 10:05:38 AM »
I’m currently hooked up to a drip

My wife said the same thing the other day arf

Glebe

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2020, 10:08:16 AM »
Fucks sake, best wishes for a speedy recovery PC...

Sin Agog

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Re: %u201CIf he comes near me I%u2019ll rip his tits off...%u201D
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2020, 10:08:36 AM »
My dad always justifies his flaky spiritualism by citing that time he was driving us in our R.V. through the Rockies, when, Italian Job-style, half the thing ending up hanging over another one of those pesky sheer drops.  He says that God then personally picked us up and popped us back on the road, but personally I'm more inclined to think it was advanced Canadian rear-wheel drive engineering.

Re: %u201CIf he comes near me I%u2019ll rip his tits off...%u201D
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2020, 10:29:29 AM »
My dad always justifies his flaky spiritualism by citing that time he was driving us in our R.V. through the Rockies, when, Italian Job-style, half the thing ending up hanging over another one of those pesky sheer drops.  He says that God then personally picked us up and popped us back on the road, but personally I'm more inclined to think it was advanced Canadian rear-wheel drive engineering.

We were in France down a narrow road towing a caravan, it was scary and downhill and I think my dad had gone in a bit quick but it was that windy or dodgy that braking would have made it more unstable. Anyway we shot through a tiny gap barely big enough to fit us, during which my mum, who has a normal ladies voice managed to channel the voice of Marvin the Android and intone 'BLOODY NORA!'.

thenoise

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2020, 11:09:37 AM »
Big pack of choccy bickies labelled 'family size'. Only scoffed the whole bloody lot myself didn't I?!?

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2020, 12:33:43 PM »
I haven't just stared in Death's face, I've shitted on it.

Last September using the 'long drop toilet' perched on a cliff face on Mt Rysy in Poland. The toilet is extra 'fun' as it has a perspex floor, the only thing between you and the gnarly rocks below. It was very windy too as a weather system was blowing in up the valley. Literally shit - scary.

When you think 'who signed that off' or 'how is that safe', this was Northern Slovakia. There's your answer.

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2020, 12:41:13 PM »
Was wiring up a light, half dazed with flu on Wednesday,  no sleep, barely think. Operating on muscle memory

Only forgot to turn the fucking electric off before starting didn't I?

Moron

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2020, 12:42:55 PM »
I haven't just stared in Death's face, I've shitted on it.

Last September using the 'long drop toilet' perched on a cliff face on Mt Rysy in Poland. The toilet is extra 'fun' as it has a perspex floor, the only thing between you and the gnarly rocks below. It was very windy too as a weather system was blowing in up the valley. Literally shit - scary.

When you think 'who signed that off' or 'how is that safe', this was Northern Slovakia. There's your answer.

Went to a Polish water park - was really awesome, the sheer balls of their designers of entertaining things, huge respect for that

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2020, 12:48:20 PM »
Haha, yes that's just reminded me of being waterslided in the fucking neck in Debrecen waterpark by some little shit who didn't read the 'allow the person in front of you to exit the pool before using the slide' notice.

Obviously I got my own back by being a Western white male.

Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #11 on: February 13, 2020, 12:49:50 PM »
my temporary inability to remember that paracetamol and acetaminophen are the same fucking thing.

Rookie mistake.

Johnny Yesno

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2020, 12:52:38 PM »
I’m currently hooked up to a drip containing a drug that will stop my liver failing as a result of my temporary inability to remember that paracetamol and acetaminophen are the same fucking thing. I have been here for eight hours and will be here for at least another 15. It’s really fucking dull.

Yikes! Get well soon, PC. Is it as painful as they say?

Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2020, 12:57:11 PM »
Big pack of choccy bickies labelled 'family size'. Only scoffed the whole bloody lot myself didn't I?!?

That's only fatal if you're a dog. Are you a dog?

Shit Good Nose

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2020, 01:23:01 PM »
Was in a car crash where the car hit a large patch of oil on the road, skidded off onto an embankment and then rolled over three times.  Amazingly walked away (luckily the car ended right way up) without a scratch, despite all the windows smashing.  But when the shock hit a little while later - ooff!

Mind you, as I've said on here many many times before, that still was nowhere near as traumatic as the birth of Little Nose was.  Anyone who says that birth is the most joyful thing ever either hasn't remembered it properly or was coked off their chump.

Paul Calf

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2020, 01:32:36 PM »
Yikes! Get well soon, PC. Is it as painful as they say?

The weird thing is, I feel totally well. They only put me on the antidote treatment because they couldn’t tell whether the weird blood results were due to my liver going “What the fuck is this shit?” or due to my diagnosed porcelain gallbladder so they figured that lying in a hospital bed listening to the death throes of the boomer generation as they edge closer to history one blood test at a time is preferable to...well, actually dying. In agony. With yellow, piss-scented skin. 

Personally, I’m not convinced.

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #16 on: February 13, 2020, 01:44:42 PM »
stared death in the face, called his bluff and found him wanting?

Her bluff. Me 'n' Didi are co-dependent. Haven't spoken since Monday but she'll probably try to get a few words in over the weekend.

Johnny Yesno

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #17 on: February 13, 2020, 02:16:19 PM »
The weird thing is, I feel totally well. They only put me on the antidote treatment because they couldn’t tell whether the weird blood results were due to my liver going “What the fuck is this shit?” or due to my diagnosed porcelain gallbladder so they figured that lying in a hospital bed listening to the death throes of the boomer generation as they edge closer to history one blood test at a time is preferable to...well, actually dying. In agony. With yellow, piss-scented skin. 

Personally, I’m not convinced.

Ah, of course, it's the liver failure that's painful, not the overconsumption of paracetamol itself. I think you're best off being spared that kind of pain.

See, if you'd taken a leaf out of Barry's book, you'd have had a game of Pokemon Go in progress in case something like this happened, and you'd be preoccupied with finding a mobile signal in order to avoid losing your streak. Sloppy.

Paul Calf

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #18 on: February 13, 2020, 02:17:44 PM »
I’m on the Go, bro but you’ve got to be mobile to really make it worthwhile.

Kryton

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #19 on: February 13, 2020, 02:19:41 PM »
Ask the nurse to wheel you around the block? I'm sure it won't be an issue.

Johnny Yesno

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #20 on: February 13, 2020, 02:25:30 PM »
I’m on the Go, bro but you’ve got to be mobile to really make it worthwhile.

That's not a very can-do attitude, Paul. Barry was up and about maintaining his streak despite having shattered legs. Pick up that drip and hang out the window, or something, I dunno.

Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #21 on: February 13, 2020, 02:50:50 PM »
Do we still write DEAD SOON in treads like this? If so, DEAD SOON. If not, hope you're feeling better soon Paul.

Johnny Yesno

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #22 on: February 13, 2020, 02:55:15 PM »
Do we still write DEAD SOON in treads like this? If so, DEAD SOON. If not, hope you're feeling better soon Paul.

Also, I'm not going to let the fact that I didn't know paracetamol and acetaminophen are the same either get in the way of me saying CHECK OUT THIS DUNCE. It's important to keep up traditions.

Paul Calf

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #23 on: February 13, 2020, 03:00:31 PM »
Do we still write DEAD SOON in treads like this? If so, DEAD SOON. If not, hope you're feeling better soon Paul.

Also, I'm not going to let the fact that I didn't know paracetamol and acetaminophen are the same either get in the way of me saying CHECK OUT THIS DUNCE. It's important to keep up traditions.

Tagged xx

Dewt

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #24 on: February 13, 2020, 03:17:51 PM »
Paul, pills are not dinner.

Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #25 on: February 13, 2020, 03:19:04 PM »
One day without wanks and he tried to end it all.

Dewt

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #26 on: February 13, 2020, 03:21:52 PM »
What did Chris Hansen say to Paul at the clinic where they hand out free painkillers and all the chairs are made from dolphin parts as a comment on the way we abuse animals to improve the comfort of humans?

"Paul, take a seat of meta-fin."

Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #27 on: February 13, 2020, 03:26:03 PM »
That's not a very can-do attitude, Paul. Barry was up and about maintaining his streak despite having shattered legs. Pick up that drip and hang out the window, or something, I dunno.

I literally kept my Ingress streak going in the ambulance on the way to the hospital :-D but when I got out, I had to give it up at something like 325 days, when all you need is 360 for the onyx badge. Seemed like way too much risk when I was on the Zimmer and had so many steps to negotiate, and didn't want to send my poor Mum to hack a portal. She had enough to do, and I'm very anti-cheating anyway.

Get well soon Paul, and there are good spawn points at hospitals so aye, might as well grind some dust to kill time.

Big Mclargehuge

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #28 on: February 13, 2020, 03:28:41 PM »
every time I've ever been abroad ever my life turns into a "Final Destination" film. I've nearly drowned twice (Once in a pool, once at sea), been electrocuted in a lift, been decapitated by a sharp glass window on a travel tram, run over at least 4-5 times, border abducted, severe heatstroke (Even when taking every possible precaution) Shot and probably the most convoluted...nearly blown up by a hand grenade.

Seriously; I haven't been on holiday outside of the UK in 10 years...and it's not without good reason! at home I've only ever had 2 incidents, I was nearly blinded after being hit with a crowbar with intent. and I once got a massive electric shock from the back of an old Box TV...Death can kiss my chuddies.

Noonling

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Re: “If he comes near me I’ll rip his tits off...”
« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2020, 03:29:09 PM »
I've been wondering if I'm immortal recently. Then I found out my specific train of thought is already a thing - quantum suicide.