Hello ladies walking in countryside I am (still) not a rapist!

[Twit 2]

I've spoken before about how I like to go on long rambles across the fields near where I live, all on public footpaths. I only ever see dog walkers, literally no one just 'goes for a walk' these days, apparently. I like to have a crafty smoke now and then, sometimes walking along, sometimes plonked down in a field somewhere. I am tall, wear lots of layers and a bobble hat. I'm often scowling because of some realisation about the universe that has irked me. So pure Crimewatch photo-fit, go on count it against me.

Anyway, today I was in a large and fairly unvisited field on an obscure route on the edge of town. I stop  by a bush to light me up a smoke. When I had finished tussling with the wind bastard I looked up and off in the distance was a lone woman walking a dog. Now, to be fair, the view down the field for her is of me not walking along but instead loitering by a bush. So the lady does a 180 and starts swiftly walking back the way she came. I held back and walked slowly to leave an increasingly bigger gap because I'm a gentleman, not a rapist.

But it's sad, isn't it? It's sad I can't go out without women being scared of me.

[Noonling]

Maybe she wasn't scared of you, maybe she was just scared her dog would rip you to shreds once it got a whiff of your musk.

[the]

You sometimes get a sense of this if you're a fast walker trying to overtake a lone woman on a pavement. But it would be worse if you just shuffled along behind her at the same pace, so there's nowt you can do (save mincing past making John Inman noises).

[Sebastian Cobb]

You sometimes get a sense of this if you're a fast walker trying to overtake a lone woman on a pavement. But it would be worse if you just shuffled along behind her at the same pace, so there's nowt you can do (save mincing past making John Inman noises).

I'll sometimes cross the road earlier than I would've done had they not been there. Fuck crossing over then back though.

[Kelvin]

Maybe there was an actual rapist stood behind you. Look out!

[Bazooka]

Maybe the walker was a sex pest but likes a challenge, and you looked too EZ.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

I think I would probably have run after her, shouting "I'm not a rapist!" to reassure her.

[Cerys]

Maybe she suddenly remembered that she needed a shit.

[Sebastian Cobb]

It's usually the dog walkers that find the bodies.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

The funny thing is that you are a rapist, so I'd say the woman had quite a lucky escape there.

[Sebastian Cobb]

The funny thing is that you are a rapist, so I'd say the woman had quite a lucky escape there.

they're always in the last place you look!!

[Butchers Blind]

Get a dog then you won't look so rapey. 

[Cerys]

Or a sketchpad.  Just make sure you don't draw pictures of ladies bare in it.  It might give the wrong impression.

[Operty1]

Also be careful not to be caught weeing on a tree or behind a bush. If another lone walker comes past as you're doing your drying waggle it could be misconstrued. To avoid this, when you go walking, carry a child's potty with you. Then when your caught short simply use in the traditional way and it will be apparent to any observer you are not up to anything sinister.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

Get a dog then you won't look so rapey.

What if your dog's a convicted sex offender?

[Twit 2]

Get a dog then you won't look so rapey.

Dogs are shit.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Dogs are shit.

YOU'RE SHIT

[Cerys]

Dogshit arse?

[Lord Mandrake]

If I see a guy in bobble hat loitering by a bush with intent to rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

If it's night or in a quiet isolated place I cross the road. A pragmatic yet faintly pathetic acknowledgement that I could appear threatening just by walking and gaining pace on someone.

[Emma Raducanu]

Sometimes I nervously smile to appear friendly and non threatening. It's so forced that I probably look psychotic and ready for rape. Which I'm not

[thenoise]

Say something jokey to break the tension.

'Don't worry love I wouldn't rape you! Not nearly sexy enough' (cheeky wink)

[Wonderful Butternut]

Say something jokey to break the tension.

'Don't worry love I wouldn't rape you! Not nearly sexy enough' (cheeky wink)

Yes, Carl Benjamin. Much wit.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I reckon if you belch or guff with a decent amount of vigour they'll probably think you're disgusting but too at ease to be up to anything threatening.

[Cuellar]

But I'm not a six offinder

[thenoise]

Yes, Carl Benjamin. Much wit.

Shit, that isn't great company...

[idunnosomename]

Valdari, valdara, valdari, valdara ha ha ha ha ha ha

[Urinal Cake]

I think it's worse that a woman doesn't believe her dog will protect her.#BelieveDogs

[oy vey]

[willpurry]

If I see a guy in bobble hat loitering by a bush with intent to rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy.