Weird TV Memories [split topic]

[Thursday]

I just want to remind people of this old post.

I can only think of one moment that utterly defies comprehension. It came out of nowhere during those lonely nights pre-internet spent flicking through night-time sky channels. I do yearn for those days, really, when limp memories of old films and tv shows remain just that, just a confusing crease in the ether, rather than a clearly labelled boxed-off relic now sullied by the internet's unending ability to savage the sanctity of everything in existence with clinically outlined statistics and trivia that fill the gaps in my memory that I didn't need to know I had. I've stopped buying dvds of old films and tv shows now, as my hazy experience of them was better, more meaningful. I don't need to see youtube clips of them above columns of ill-judged venerative cockery, and I certainly don't need to go to a female actor's imdb page, scroll down to the message board section to find somebody's started a thread titled 'TITS', and think 'oh for fuck sake. Someone got there first'. I think these things should just free-float in the context they occured. Bringing them into starker up-to-date relief ruins it. The internet has already fucked the following in the face -

The Ewoks films
Little Monsters
Stoppit and Tidyup
Russ Meyer's Supervixens
The Wiz
Poison Ivy
Dare to Believe

and I can't let it keep happening. These are my memories, internet. My childhood. Stop filling the gaps of wistful bliss with cheaply-manufactured dvds and incriminating clarifications regarding the age of dubiously dressed girls in children's television.
But this moment was different, and can never be explained.
It was a normal night, during a time before internet porn could be grabbed in full files with swift ease and was still storyboarded in 10-second catch-up clips of the best bits, when I still had the habit of recording onto video or dvd whatever scrap of pout or nipple I could find on late-night TV to make long compilations of something resembling a conspiracy theorist video to convince the disbelieving; a time-capsule of tit-twiddling.
And there I would sit until the early hours, rapidly flicking from channel to channel, one hand round the remote, the other round my penis, and eye sight flitting from TV to living room door with manic unease as I expected it at any moment to open wide to reveal a whole bundle of laughing people with inverted Baftas and ignominious Gotchas held out for me.
In the event of such a thing happening, I had a repertoire of responses to avoid being caught red-wristed. Part of this set-up involved keeping the penis area in my pants so that I was operating with the kind of blunt, folded erection that makes me rue the lack of a voluntary penile elbow. If we all adhered to this cramped set-up, then maybe evolution would take note and provide a better future for our children. Although, if we all actually did do this, humanity would probably die naked and alone in a chair.
Of course, this wasn't an ideal situation, as the yielding of an erection was often followed by frantic fumbling but the knowledge that I couldn't do anything about it until I'm out of the family living room and in a safer place (like the bathroom), which made the whole bleak practice feel like chewing food and then walking around with it in your cheeks for hours before swallowing.
I felt like the boy from Flight of the Navigator (1986) at one with the controls of his ship, with my multi-task button pushing, cranking up and down the channels, tapping in memorised numbers to unlock 10 free minutes, flicking the center stick to bring up the programme information and scan-reading for any hint of a tit, jamming the back button to remove it from view if the current on-screen action suddenly proved promising, then dragging up the volume with slick caution. The volume was always kept low, but if I was feeling daring I would draw it up a notch to just catch a minor earful of the sensual soundtrack of whatever had been laid down to cover the anechoic sound of the cavorting woman whimpering with continued regret.
Another tactic was to have safe-zones established, channels I could retreat to if someone came into the room. One of these was a now-dead channel that seemed to have empty-schedules for most of the day, and then a quiz late at night. During this particular night I touched-base with the channel, just popping in like a gangster stooge nabbing a bun from the display of an under-the-thumb bakery, and saw nothing. The quiz had finished, but the camera continued to film from a high angle, looking down on a white-walled set that was empty but for a single podium. I turned the volume up until I heard static then turned it back down, changed the channel and continued to fumble. I kept coming back to this baffling channel where nothing was being broadcast whenever I heard the catflap go or caught my reflection on the telly screen. The volume was as low as my esteem, and consequently my reaction to what happened next as late as the lonely night. I was about to flick to another channel. I'd brought up the information box and was suggesting to myself that, come on, perhaps I should just give in for today and go to bed, in a nobly weary way as if doing the night shift on the search for Maddy. But then something entered my vision, and I jammed the 'back' button. A man had walked onto set dressed as a policeman. He removed his hat, stood by the podium and then said something with gurning indignance as if acting out a scenario in which he wins an argument to great public acclaim. It lasted mere seconds. He picked up his hat and walked off set before I could get the volume up to hear what he said. And then nothing. Who was that man? What had he said, and why?
I sat for about an hour watching the empty white set in transfixed bafflement, waiting for Act 2. But nothing happened. I didn't record any more porn that night. It just didn't feel right.
Then came the early hours of daylight. The screen faded to black with text saying something like 'programmes begin again at 7pm'. It may as well have said 'oh dear, you've pushed through the night with your cock out'. I went to bed floppy and chagrined.
I kept up the routine for some weeks after, but I'd lost my enthusiasm. I was probably only in it for the empty set now, with occasional reluctant, limp titty base-touching, but there was never an explanation for what had happened. I waited every night, hope in place of penis, for at least a gesture of some sort. I didn't care if I'd missed the whole drawn-out spectacle and the meaning of the titbit'd performance, but if I could just see this man run on in his police uniform and bow as the credits rolled then I'd be happy. But every time I flicked over it was always the same white set, the same static, the same stubborn lack of answers, and no man ever returned to fill the holes.

[bgmnts]

If so you would've been, what, 13 when you saw it? And to be fair you couldn't even recall that you started the previous conversation about this 4 months ago ;)

A 13 year old seeing hardcore pornography is more memorable than a 27 year old posting on a forum I say!

[kalowski]

Very young Steve Coogan impersonating Brian Glover as a Bond villan. Some late night ITV comedy show.

[Marner and Me]

There was a BBC crime series, late 90s and each episode was different. Can't remember what it was called, but I remember one episode neighbours having a house party, block goes nuts and kills . them, driving off laughing.

[DrGreggles]

Very young Steve Coogan impersonating Brian Glover as a Bond villan. Some late night ITV comedy show.

The revived 'Who Do You Do?' in about 1990?
I think Rob Newman was on it too.

[kalowski]

The revived 'Who Do You Do?' in about 1990?
I think Rob Newman was on it too.

Possibly. That date feels about right.

[George White]

Murder in Mind?

[JarrowMonkey]

Jennifer Saunders breasts, I'm sure she got them out in one of the comic strip presents

Or maybe I dreamt it

[Chriddof]

Katie Puckrick's nipple making a valiant bid for freedom on The Word. Or was it that thing where they wore pyjamas.

The latter programme would be "Pyjama Party", frequently on ITV around 2AM or whenever (depending on region, when that still just about mattered). I used to watch it regularly for the showings of the early Cosgrove-Hall cartoon "The Magic Ball" they'd include. Do not remember a nipple escaping myself.

Jennifer Saunders breasts, I'm sure she got them out in one of the comic strip presents

Or maybe I dreamt it

It happens in "The Supergrass", a feature length edition of Comic Strip Presents. She's a policewoman having to pretend to be the wife of the grass of the title, who is played by her actual husband Ade Edmondson. Also there was a simlair incident in another Comic Strip Presents episode, "Geno: Full Story And Pics", where she had to do a shower scene with Keith Allen. I believe she later described the filming of this scene as one of the worst moments in her career, for reasons you can quite easily guess.

...this whole post is centered around tits, Christ's sake

[Cerys]

Recent news has reminded me of the time Gordon the Gopher recreated the Mr Oizo Flat Eric video from the Levi's advert. Can't find that anywhere.

Here you go

[kalowski]

Here you go

Zoe Ball is one for the Phoarr thread at the start there. (Actually, she still is)

[Famous Mortimer]

The revived 'Who Do You Do?' in about 1990?
I think Rob Newman was on it too.

I can't find hide nor hair of this show. The Wikipedia page for the original "Who Do You Do?" says it was revived in 1985 (with some of the original cast) as "Copy Cats", but no mention of a later one with Newman and Coogan. No mention of it on either person's IMDB or Wikipedia page either.

Sort of vaguely reminds of a very short-lived Viz / Private Eye style magazine called "The Yorkshire Pest", which I owned and read, but has disappeared completely since. The only mention of it on the internet is me looking for it, the last time I posted about it on here.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Did anyone else watch the scifi tech thriller Killer Net on Channel 4? Like, actually watch it rather than see Brooker diss it on screen wipe?

[DrGreggles]

I can't find hide nor hair of this show. The Wikipedia page for the original "Who Do You Do?" says it was revived in 1985 (with some of the original cast) as "Copy Cats", but no mention of a later one with Newman and Coogan. No mention of it on either person's IMDB or Wikipedia page either.

Maybe Coogan bought it up and had it destroyed?!

It would have coincided with The Mary Whitehouse Experience being on Radio 1, as it would have been my first knowledge of what Rob Newman looked like.

[Marner and Me]

Murder in Mind?

Could well be that

[the]

Did anyone else watch the scifi tech thriller Killer Net on Channel 4? Like, actually watch it rather than see Brooker diss it on screen wipe?

I watched it (this was back when a TV programme themed around computers was a notable enough occurrence to want to tune in). It was fucking crap. (As was Screenwipe - I haven't seen him talking about KN but I'm sure it's a hilarious deconstruction.)

Also saw Lynda La Plante plugging it on This Morning, trying to make out that she's done loads of research and that her plot wasn't a load of cobblers.

[Dewt]

The earliest Coogan I know of is this WH Smiths advert

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2kYXUp5RQA

[kalowski]

He does his Brian Glover here, so I'm sure it was Coogan doing the Glover as Bond villain, probably around the same time.
https://youtu.be/NFwUnkVEqgM

[JesusAndYourBush]

Stretching the remit of the thread slightly as I never saw this myself, but I still can't find any information about it.  buzby, have you got any ideas?  If you don't know then nobody does.  (In my original post I said 1988/89 but I've narrowed it down to the first 6 months of 1988 but that could easily be wrong because of the way the brain like to conflate memories etc.)

I never saw this but read about it in the papers a couple of days later.

The Russians were sending up some sort of rescue mission to rescue (or take supplies to) a cosmonaut who'd been up there too long (or he was running out of supplies), presumably it was the Mir space station which was in use at that time.  From late in the evening after the last programme ended until early the next morning BBC1 or BBC2 rebroadcast the feed from a Russian TV station which was covering the rescue mission.  I'm guessing this would be around 1988/89 although it could be a year or two later (or even outside that date range altogether although it won't be too far off).  The article in the paper mentioned that you even got a chance to see Russian breakfast TV including the obligatory keep fit section (a la Green Goddess, Mr Motivator etc) featuring Russian women in leotards doing aerobics to "Yes Sir I Can Boogie" by Baccara.

Does anyone remember this or have an idea of the date.  I've wiki'd info on the Mir space station to try and find a possible date but found nothing suitable.

[SteK]

Stretching the remit of the thread slightly as I never saw this myself, but I still can't find any information about it.  buzby, have you got any ideas?  If you don't know then nobody does.  (In my original post I said 1988/89 but I've narrowed it down to the first 6 months of 1988 but that could easily be wrong because of the way the brain like to conflate memories etc.)

Could it be Salyut 7? There's a Russian film made of it recently too.

[JesusAndYourBush]

It's possible.  It's the best suggestion I've seen so far, although it says it was unmanned before their repair mission, and in the thing I'm remembering was more of a rescue mission for someone who'd been up there a long time.

[Famous Mortimer]

There was a bit of a disaster aboard Mir in 1997, but that's a bit too late for your timeframe.

[Here Comes Mongo]

I recall a light entertainment show from early 90s British TV which was filmed in from of a studio audience, where around half way through there would be a bizarre segment in which a garden shed would descend from the studio ceiling on cables. A bloke would emerge from it and do some sort of comedy turn, then he'd get back in the shed and it would ascend to the ceiling. I remember seeing this more than once so it was probably a regular feature. Obviously others must've seen it if it was on a mainstream show but there doesn't seem to be anything about it on the net, so now I'm wondering if I dreamt or imagined it.

[Famous Mortimer]

I recall a light entertainment show from early 90s British TV which was filmed in from of a studio audience, where around half way through there would be a bizarre segment in which a garden shed would descend from the studio ceiling on cables. A bloke would emerge from it and do some sort of comedy turn, then he'd get back in the shed and it would ascend to the ceiling. I remember seeing this more than once so it was probably a regular feature. Obviously others must've seen it if it was on a mainstream show but there doesn't seem to be anything about it on the net, so now I'm wondering if I dreamt or imagined it.

Is it possible you were just really high every time you watched the "this week I are bin mostly eating apples" guy from The Fast Show?

[Cerys]

Stretching the remit of the thread slightly as I never saw this myself, but I still can't find any information about it.  buzby, have you got any ideas?  If you don't know then nobody does.  (In my original post I said 1988/89 but I've narrowed it down to the first 6 months of 1988 but that could easily be wrong because of the way the brain like to conflate memories etc.)

Found this:

September 6, 1988: The Soyuz TM-5 landing

After rather uneventful seven-day visit to Mir, a guest cosmonaut from Afghanistan Abdul Akhad Momand boarded the Soyuz TM-5 spacecraft for a trip home, accompanied by an experienced commander Vladimir Lyakhov, returning home after a long-duration mission to Mir. Immediately after undocking, a combination of human errors caused the Soyuz to spin around, while still in proximity of the station. Fortunately, the commander was able to stabilize the ship quickly and safely depart the station. Sometime later, as planned, the Soyuz jettisoned its habitation module in preparation for the deorbiting maneuver. (Separating the module would allow to save fuel for deorbiting maneuver).

However, 30 seconds before scheduled braking maneuver, the orientation system onboard the spacecraft failed causing a seven-minute delay in the engine firing. When the engine did fire automatically, Lyakhov immediately shot it down, since he had no idea where the new reentry trajectory would take the craft.

One orbit later, the crew made a second attempt to deorbit their Soyuz. However, this time, the automatic system confused by previous emergency instructions from the ground, not only shot down the engines, but also launched a countdown for the separation of the propulsion module with all its vital systems including braking engine itself. If Laykhov did not manage to suppress the countdown, the automatic system would separate the reentry capsule from the propulsion module and most certainly doom the crew.

After the ordeal, the Soyuz TM-5 and its crew circled the Earth for 24 hours, without toilet and water left in the jettisoned habitation module. Another deorbiting attempt was made on September 7, 1988, when everything worked perfectly and the crew landed safely.

Any connection?

[SteK]

The earliest Coogan I know of is this WH Smiths advert

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2kYXUp5RQA

Coogan was in The Dead Good Show, which was Granada Land only I think?

[SteK]

It's possible.  It's the best suggestion I've seen so far, although it says it was unmanned before their repair mission, and in the thing I'm remembering was more of a rescue mission for someone who'd been up there a long time.

Armageddon lol!

[JesusAndYourBush]

Found this:

Any connection?

Yes, I think that's it!  With the landing being at 2am on the 7th Sept that'd put the Russian TV simulcast on BBC1 coverage slotted in after the 6th Sept programmes, after the closedown at midnight, although there's nothing on Genome (I didn't expect there to be) with it being a last-minute decision.

[Cerys]

Yay for Google :)

[famethrowa]

The bloke from Fresh Fields sitting up in bed reading his book, with a naked young woman laying on her front next to him as he gently and casually brushed his hand over her bottom. What was that all about??