ABBA vs Boney M

[Lemming]

This thread is to act as a crucible in which we determine which of the two 1970s europop bands was the best.

THE FACTS:
- ABBA are all from the same shithole country of Sweden, a joke nation that people only like because of its economic policies. Anni-Frid is from Norway, which is just a Swedish territory. Today, Sweden's ambassador on the global stage is Greta Thunberg, a hectoring little turd who ought to go back to school. Boney M, on the other hand, formed in Germany, a beautiful country renowned for its superhuman feats of engineering and love of simulation videogames. The members are originally from Jamaica, Montserrat, Aruba... a truly global band. Germany's global cultural ambassador today is that guy on YouTube who solves puzzle boxes.

- Boney M have legendary stage presence, with Bobby Farrell's heroic dance moves backed by the equally avant-garde synchronised dancing of the rest of the band. What do ABBA do during performances? Anni-Frid and Agnetha sway awkwardly left and right like they're about to collapse, not even in sync with each other. On a good day, Benny might rock back and forth like a big twat while playing the piano.

- Let's check out the lyrics. Boney M: "Sunny! / Yesterday my life was filled with rain / Sunny! / You smiled at me and really eased the pain / The dark days are gone / and the bright days are here". Hooray! Let's check out ABBA: "No more carefree laughter / Silence ever after / Walking through an empty house / tears in my eyes / this is where the story ends / this is goodbye". Christ! What a bunch of fucking losers! Lyrically, ABBA are one step away from turning into Linkin Park or Simple Plan.

- ABBA had their marriages disintegrate in real-time in the public eye. Boney M had no such issues because they were singing about golden sunny beaches, Russian history, and Ma Baker.

- Boney M never had anything as bad as Does Your Mother Know.

- ABBA half-ass it on every single music video. SOS? It's them stood in a fucking field. Mamma Mia? Stood in a room. Waterloo? Also stood in a room, maybe the same one. Dancing Queen? Another room. Knowing Me Knowing You? A room AND a field. Boney M on the other hand never even needed to record videos - their "official videos" are just compilations of their godlike stage performances, because raw charisma and skill are all they need to carry them through.

- More like Summer Night SHITTY!

- Frank Farian, Boney M's songwriter, nobly chose to stay out of the spotlight and instead let wonderfully charismatic singers and dancers take the stage while the music speaks for itself. Benny and Bjorn, on the other hand, unwisely chose to show their faces, and are still getting laughed at to this day for looking like shit Luke Skywalker knockoffs.

- ABBA wear shockingly ugly outfits that become dated literally thirty seconds after they're worn, with flared trousers. Boney M, on the other hand, embrace timeless and unique styles that look as fresh now as they did over 40 years ago.

- Similarly, Maizie Williams' makeup is always sharp and on-point, and she's a style icon to aspire to. How about ABBA? Agnetha just wears the same weird 70s blue eyeshadow all the time, every day, like a cartoon character. The male members of ABBA, meanwhile, are decorated only with what appear to be syphilis scars.

- Agnetha Fältskog's sanity began to deteriorate as she was plagued by nightmares in which ABBA fanatics overwhelmed her and crushed her to death. You can't blame her, because look at the absolute fucking state of ABBA fans. Liz Mitchell has no such nightmares, because Boney M appreciators are upstanding, well-educated, decent people who understand personal space.

- During Noel Edmonds' Lloyds-induced descent into hell, he shoved a bunch of ABBA songs onto his demented radio station, tainting them evermore. No such trouble for Boney M.

- ABBA are now closely affiliated with Cher, a deeply overrated musician who basically had one good song with Believe, which only worked because it abandoned the insufferable pseudo-country shite she was known for before that point. Today, Cher is known less for being a "musician" and more for being absolutely batshit off her rocker on Twitter. The other day, she was seen palling around with anti-progressive possible-rapist Joe Biden. You won't catch associates of Boney M cozying up to fuckheads like that.

- ABBA were rendered obsolete when Erasure covered their songs, surpassing the originals in every possible way. Meanwhile, Boney M are never covered, only sampled wholesale in hugely successful dance songs, because it is understood that it's impossible to even match - let alone surpass - Mitchell's vocals.

- Today, fans of Boney M are treated to two distinct incarnations of the band, one led by Maizie Williams and the other by Liz Mitchell. What do ABBA fans get today? Oh yeah, nothing, because Agnetha went into hiding and promised to return one day as a shitty hologram.

In light of the facts, it's pretty much an open-and-shut case. ABBA are utterly hopeless before the mighty Boney M.

[phantom_power]

Those Sunny lyrics are from the Marvin Gaye song, not the Boney M one. With that in mind, it is ABBA all the way for me, Clive

[Captain Z]

When you think about it, ABBA songs are very unimaginative, literally just repeating the same word or few words over and over again:

Gimme Gimme Gimme
Money Money Money
Honey Honey Honey
Ring Ring
Mama Mama
Andante Andante
Conociéndome, Conociéndome
I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do

You'd never catch Boney M resorting to basic repetition in their songs.

[Crabwalk]

ABBA is a boring acronym as it doesn't even make up a real word. Even BABA (as in Rum) would've been an improvement.

BONEY M is far more inventive, so let's congratulate founder members Barry, Olive, Neil, Emily, Yasmine and Mike[nb]latecomer to the band[/nb] for that too.

[SteK]

Norway used to belong to Denmark actually.

[daf]

ABBA is a boring acronym as it doesn't even make up a real word. Even BABA (as in Rum) would've been an improvement.

Should be FABB anyway - it's FRIDA! Open goal missed, you plonkers!

[SteK]

Should be FABB anyway - it's FRIDA! Open goal missed, you plonkers!

And Agnetha's first name is actually Åse I believe, that really stirs things up!

[Norton Canes]

Boney M disembarked from converted monoplane (8)

[wosl]

Abba wrote and recorded Knowing Me, Knowing You, which is up there with the very, very best pop songs - if you go and listen to it again with a keen ear, paying particular attention to the complex 'simplicity' of the best lyrics Bjorn wrote, and marvellous way the chorus twists and turns back on itself, you can be sure of this (the sadly stoical, reiterative way Bjorn and Benny sing the chorus counter lines: "This time we're through, this time we're really through, this time we're through, we're really through", followed by "I have to go, this time I have to go, this time I know." This time I know! - shivers, mate. Beezer vid by Lasse Hallstroem as well.  First round knock-out win for Abba for me, Clive Des.

[DrGreggles]

ABBA were better. Obviously.

What's next? The Beatles v Menswear?

[Egyptian Feast]

Nobody cared when Frank Farian revealed that Bobby Farrell didn't sing on their hits because everybody knew Bobby Farrell was cool as fuck.

[Norton Canes]

What's next? The Beatles v Menswear?

Don't be silly, they're not even in the same league

[Lemming]

ABBA were better. Obviously.

What's next? The Beatles v Menswear?

Well the guys from Menswear never went on to write Imagine, the worst song ever (maybe second only to Does Your Mother Know), so it's not as clear cut as you'd think.

Abba wrote and recorded Knowing Me, Knowing You, which is up there with the very, very best pop songs - if you go and listen to it again with a keen ear, paying particular attention to the complex 'simplicity' of the best lyrics Bjorn wrote, and marvellous way the chorus twists and turns back on itself, you can be sure of this (the sadly stoical, reiterative way Bjorn and Benny sing the chorus counter lines: "This time we're through, this time we're really through, this time we're through, we're really through", followed by "I have to go, this time I have to go, this time I know." This time I know! - shivers, mate. Beezer vid by Lasse Hallstroem as well.  First round knock-out win for Abba for me, Clive Des.

This is true and I do like Bjorn's lyrics, but here's a counterpoint:

She's crazy like a fool
What about it, Daddy Cool?
I'm crazy like a fool
What about it, Daddy Cool?
Daddy, Daddy Cool
Daddy, Daddy Cool
Daddy, Daddy Cool
Daddy, Daddy Cool

[TheMonk]

I'm fine with both as they taught me all I know about history, the battle of Waterloo and the fall of Rasputin. If ABBA's comeback single they keep threatening is a pop retelling of Operation Barbarossa then they win.

[Gulftastic]

Boney M had the balls to take on the Irish troubles. Did ABBA? No.

M'lud, the defence rests.

[chveik]

ABBA wins you oscillations dunce

[bgmnts]

Boney M did a Christmas song worth remembering, which makes them better than ABBA.

[idunnosomename]

Knowing Me, Knowing Yule

[dr beat]

So where's the long-running much-loved comedy character who loves Boney M eh? I can't see one!

[DrGreggles]

I remember there being a countdown on Radio 2 (or a similar non-trendy station) a few years ago of the 100 biggest selling singles of all time.
There were a few caveats that were taken into account (no charity singles, etc), but I was astonished that the only artist who appeared twice in the top ten were Boney M.

[Crabwalk]

If I were a rapper I'd call myself Money B.

[Lemming]

So where's the long-running much-loved comedy character who loves Boney M eh? I can't see one!

But Partridge is known for his overwhelming naffness, so anything he likes is naff and for naff people. He likes Kate Bush too but I'm willing to throw her under the bus here.

[bgmnts]

And ELO? Would you dare throw ELO under the bus?

[Shit Good Nose]

I'd plump for Boney M, but only because I got so fucking fed up of years of fans and critics saying how complex Abba songs are.  Like fuck are they.  I would also argue Boney M have FAR funkier basslines.

But they're both a bit naff, really.   

[DrGreggles]

And ELO? Would you dare throw ELO under the bus?

Yep. And then I'd shit on them.


I've not been well...

[Sebastian Cobb]

I like Bony M,  very functional disco.

[idunnosomename]

im not sure how many levels of irony we have here but ABBA are fucking awesome

[non capisco]

It's obviously ABBA but I'm still tempted to give it to Boney M just for the closing seconds of 'Rasputin' where The Man Boney M opines "Ohhhhh, those Russians."

[imitationleather]

It's obviously ABBA but I'm still tempted to give it to Boney M just for the closing seconds of 'Rasputin' where The Man Boney M opines "Ohhhhh, those Russians."

He really summed up what we were all thinking at that point of the Cold War.

ABBA have some nice ditties but the never so incisively commented on contemporary geopolitics.

[mojo filters]

Boney M were quite unusual, in that they were considered inoffensive enough to be allowed to tour behind the Iron Curtain, by communist regimes prior to the fall of the Berlin Wall.

I can't think of another band who benefited in this way. Whether that's a tick in the plus or minus column, is a whole different question. It certainly helped them establish a solid fanbase in those parts.