Author Topic: Tony Bastard's tea rooms  (Read 4589 times)

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.
Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« on: March 14, 2020, 01:35:55 AM »
Woman: Tea please, for two, Darjeeling if you could but I could suffer an Earl Grey at a push.
Also a pair of scones pronounced scownrs. And some butter aside the jam please. Also we'll be sitting outside in the cold.

Tony Bastard: Got it love. Pair of sconrs. Pot of brew and I genuinely cannot believe it's butter substitute. No Jam soz.

the

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2020, 02:36:12 PM »
A pair of LADIES enter

Lady: Hello, we booked in afternoon tea for two, under the name Wilson-Jones.

Tony (writing on pad): Large chips, two mugs tea.

the

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2020, 02:37:02 PM »
     

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2020, 03:45:09 PM »
Sign above counter: WE DO NOT DO MUSHROOMS

seepage

  • sweaty robot
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2020, 05:05:31 PM »
Tony introduces a "tasting menu" for Friday & Saturday evenings. It's exactly the same stuff he does the rest of the week - "you get what you're given" - but punters are Instagramming instead of complaining and it's twice the price.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2020, 09:43:48 PM »
Bastardburger

Ten quarterpounders
Whole wheel of Stilton
Three lettuces

Make it a Big Bastard with a pork chop.

the

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2020, 11:29:22 AM »
A customer returns to the counter

Lady:  Excuse me - the cream in your cream horns tastes like adult human reproductive doo-dah

Tony doesn't look up from his newspaper, points at his "0 out of 5" hygiene sticker

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2020, 12:36:50 PM »
"I'm obliged by law to inform you that the scones may contain small bones."

Cuellar

  • Taxes, they'll be lower...son
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2020, 12:45:03 PM »
Lady: Penis and chips twice please Tony

Tony: Righto, scone and egg

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2020, 02:06:38 PM »
A rosy-cheeked man and teenage daughter enter the tea room after a brisk walk

"A pot of tea and two scones with jam and cream, please"

Tony makes no eye contact with the fella, stares at the girl's tits while slowly running his tongue over his bottom lip

Fambo Number Mive

  • Golden Member
  • *****
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2020, 04:20:57 PM »
"What's this extra 50p charge for?"

"You got the menu with sausage stains on it, that counts as extra food".


"There's no loo roll in the toilets"

"20p a sheet. How many do you want? It's just under here"

Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #11 on: March 17, 2020, 05:00:27 PM »
...anyway they can't make me wash up the cups, freedom of speech innit.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2020, 05:39:05 PM »
Customer: Do give my compliments to the microwave operator.

[Tony leaps over the counter. Long chase through streets with large frying pan, continues into Cormac McCarthy-style wasteland.]

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2020, 05:46:51 PM »
Customer: Do give my compliments to the microwave operator.

[Tony leaps over the counter. Long chase through streets with large frying pan, continues into Cormac McCarthy-style wasteland.]

Nice

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2020, 05:47:31 PM »
Goodbye, customer who asked for mushrooms.

Hello, Tony's special sausages.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2020, 06:35:17 PM »
Hi Tony, can we put this poster for the  Cancer Charity Skittles event in your window?

Tony: Yeah no problem, but I'll have to rip it down next week when the Royals visit the village, don't want to block the view of my delicious cakes.

ZoyzaSorris

  • Brimming with innards
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2020, 06:37:11 PM »
Tony's Rustlers burger hands squeeze against the corridor walls, arms all stretched out like Christ and that.
"Toilet's customers only."
The grey-haired lady picks cubes of sick from her Fair Isle.
"I am a customer. You remember, I was literally just telling you five seconds ago that I wanted a refund because my chicken nuggets all seemed to have ears."
"Nuggets. Doesn't say chicken."
"And they were coated in dandruff." She does a small bit of sick again.
"Toilets for proper customers only," Tony says. "Out the way you rank old trout."
He opens the door and bows, beckoning through a man with obvious tracky bottom tentpoling, hand in hand with a barbary macaque dressed up all nice in a  'Tony Bastard's Tea Rooms' boob tube. 

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2020, 06:37:23 PM »
Customer comes back from the toilet.

'Where's my wife?'

'She's my wife now. But you owe me £15 for her lunch from when she was yours.'

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2020, 07:13:32 PM »
Customer: New waitress? Where's Svetlana?
Tony: Dead.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #19 on: March 17, 2020, 07:25:02 PM »
sign FOOD IS SHIT

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #20 on: March 17, 2020, 07:30:45 PM »
CUSTOMER: There's a wasp on the chelsea buns.

TONY: Five quid.

CUSTOMER: For what?

TONY: Five quid for the wasp.

CUSTOMER: Wh... I don't want to buy the wasp.

TONY: Well, you can't just have it! You big city bastards coming down here throwing your big city weight around. Six quid, and I'll throw in a bit of paper that says 'AWFUL MAN' that I found under the counter this morning.

CUSTOMER: I don't want the bloody wasp at all!

TONY: Tenner and I'll unlock the door.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #21 on: March 17, 2020, 08:51:17 PM »
this soups just bog roll in water tony

nice

sorry?

hairs on yer chest

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #22 on: March 17, 2020, 09:09:25 PM »
This chocolate brownie smells … awful.

Yeah. We ran out of chocolate. No refunds.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #23 on: March 17, 2020, 09:11:56 PM »
tony mate there's a tiny gold replica of a terraced house in me breakfast

DEATH IS CAST UPON THEE

tony dont say stuff like that

IT IS THE WILL OF GOD and its a fiver

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

  • Nothing is ever as good or bad as you think.
    • http://www.last.fm/user/georgethebadger/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #24 on: March 17, 2020, 09:34:27 PM »

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #25 on: March 17, 2020, 10:33:58 PM »
Bastardburger

Ten quarterpounders
Whole wheel of Stilton
Three lettuces

Make it a Big Bastard with a pork chop.

Any customer that wants to take on the challenge to eat 100% of the bastard burger still has to pay. Or he'll fuck you up. Scratch your car and call you a robbing bastard.

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Are we human? Or are we toilet
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #27 on: March 17, 2020, 10:39:16 PM »
- Hi Tony the tea rooms are on fire

Tony: Why did you come in then

-.... Err... What

Tony: Don't you like it on fire

-......

Tony: I do. I love it. And so do all my customers *waves at charred corpses holding teacups*

Tony: Seems like the only problem we have around here is you.


Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #28 on: March 17, 2020, 10:49:37 PM »
Tony: CAN I HELP YOU?
Awkward Angus: I dunno, can you?
Tony: RIGHT. PICK YER WINDOW.

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #29 on: March 17, 2020, 10:56:57 PM »
WE. DON'T. HAVE. ANY. FUCKING. DARJEELING.

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