Main Menu

Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 5,559,171
  • Total Topics: 106,348
  • Online Today: 719
  • Online Ever: 3,311
  • (July 08, 2021, 03:14:41 AM)
Users Online
Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 29, 2024, 02:03:10 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Tony Bastard's tea rooms

Started by Kryton, March 14, 2020, 01:35:55 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

DrGreggles

CUSTOMER: There's a fly in my soup!

TONY: No, there's a blackhead cluster in your beanless bean juice.

pancreas

TRIPADVISOR

Tony Bastard's Tea Room

5/5 Stars. This place is really good. The food is not burnt like I said is was. The milk is fresh and not curdled like I said it was. I am not writing this review under duress and I won't change it when I get back home if I hope to ever see my family ever again.


Goldentony

morning tony can ah ha-

paul you goh help me out son

tony?

please mate

what you need like?

ah cant cum....ah cannot cum

tony ah just want bap

ah cannot cum

just bap


Bence Fekete

CUSTOMER: Mmgrrrpmphhh

TONY: What did you just say?

CUSTOMER: *removes face-mask* Hello there tea-maker, I was wondering if you were open for tea?

TONY: What? Of course we're fucking open. *points with shotgun to rotting corpse in corner*

GRANDMA TONY BASTARD: *overhears Tony, swivels head 90 degrees, waggles finger accusingly at customer, tutting*

CUSTOMER: Errr...

GRANDMA TONY BASTARD: Come closer dear

CUSTOMER: *moves closer* Errrm...

GRANDMA TONY BASTARD: Closer still

CUSTOMER: Uhhhhr...

GRANDMA TONY BASTARD: *Spits huge glob of Covid-19 into customers face*

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

Quote from: the on March 18, 2020, 01:19:00 AM
     

I think we'd all like to wish Tony a very happy Vasectomy Day!

Shoulders?-Stomach!

MARCH DEAL
TEA ON BROWN - £1.29, OR 3 FOR £3

FRIDAY
SPECIAL GUEST: PELE

poo


CUSTOMER: Do you have peppermint tea?

TONY: Do I look like a poof?

CUSTOMER: Sorry?

TONY: One second.

*TONY GOES BEHIND THE COUNTER DOLLOPS SOME COLGATE INTO A CUP OF TYPHOO*

CUSTOMER: It's a bit cloudy this tea.

TONY: That's cos it's organic.

Sebastian Cobb

BEARD: Hi, um, do you sell avocado?
TONY (shouting into back): TYSOOOON!

A rottweiler starts to emerge through the kitchen door-curtain.

Fambo Number Mive

TONY: We got red sauce, brown sauce and my special sauce. If you want anything else,you bring it yourself, and there is a £5 corkage charge.

DINER: This red sauce is very watery?

TONY: Want me to top it up with your blood?

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Withnail: We're coming back in here

Tony: Good, see you then.

Goldentony

tony - yer moneys no good here
clint - oh tony you're so kind
tony - open that arse

Shoulders?-Stomach!

'Good morning customers


This may come across as a left field question for a cafe owner to ask, but


DYE LIKE STEEL


COS YED BETTAH'

Fambo Number Mive

Tony's gone upmarket. Less than two food stains per plate.

Raises prices to compensate for having to wash up once a week now.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien


Shoulders?-Stomach!

Sublime work.

Have a hand job in return for that handiwork

ZoyzaSorris

Al singlehandedly keeping the lost art of 'shopping vibrant and alive in these dying days. Good stuff.


Goldentony

tony, can I have two toast and a tea to go please

fucking get out

aye right

Kryton

And he's not letting his chesty cough stop him from cooking up a load of big, fat black pudding. He'll sweat it out in the kitchen if need be. Or get one of his zero hour workers to deal with any complaints.

Goldentony

this back doors shit tone, its fuckin auld as fuck, hinges are gone, the lot

aye right, fry it up

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien


Shoulders?-Stomach!

Hahahahaha

'enchating platate cleanser section'  just make me introduce spittle into the faces of 5 At Risk category boomers.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

Dammit, typo!

Blame the subeditor.

chveik


Fambo Number Mive

Table nearest the toilets is free but you can't hear each other talk over Theo sound of three anuses gushing thick diarroah after half an egg roll. You get used to the smell as it's covered up by Tony's confident farts

Pingers

"Tony, it's Mick. Look, you know I wouldn't ask unless it was really urgent - you couldn't give our Sandra a lift to the hospital could you? She needs her dialysis and I can't take her because I'm self-isolating"

"Sorry Mick, you know I usually would, but it's heaving in here" says Tony, surveying the empty tea room while poking a dead cockroach under a cupboard with his toe.




[nb]Also props to Al for a superb effort[/nb]



Kryton

Quote from: Al Tha Funkee Homosapien on March 18, 2020, 09:12:31 PM
Dammit, typo!

Blame the subeditor.

The typos make it even more grim. Love it.

(Also I love fat Tyson).