Author Topic: Tony Bastard's tea rooms  (Read 5334 times)

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #30 on: March 17, 2020, 10:58:42 PM »
CUSTOMER: There's a fly in my soup!

TONY: No, there's a blackhead cluster in your beanless bean juice.

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #31 on: March 17, 2020, 11:02:38 PM »
TRIPADVISOR

Tony Bastard's Tea Room

5/5 Stars. This place is really good. The food is not burnt like I said is was. The milk is fresh and not curdled like I said it was. I am not writing this review under duress and I won't change it when I get back home if I hope to ever see my family ever again.

the

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #32 on: March 18, 2020, 01:19:00 AM »
     

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #33 on: March 18, 2020, 01:39:18 AM »
morning tony can ah ha-

paul you goh help me out son

tony?

please mate

what you need like?

ah cant cum....ah cannot cum

tony ah just want bap

ah cannot cum

just bap

the

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #34 on: March 18, 2020, 01:50:49 AM »
     

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #35 on: March 18, 2020, 04:40:33 AM »
CUSTOMER: Mmgrrrpmphhh

TONY: What did you just say?

CUSTOMER: *removes face-mask* Hello there tea-maker, I was wondering if you were open for tea?

TONY: What? Of course we're fucking open. *points with shotgun to rotting corpse in corner*

GRANDMA TONY BASTARD: *overhears Tony, swivels head 90 degrees, waggles finger accusingly at customer, tutting*

CUSTOMER: Errr...

GRANDMA TONY BASTARD: Come closer dear

CUSTOMER: *moves closer* Errrm...

GRANDMA TONY BASTARD: Closer still

CUSTOMER: Uhhhhr...

GRANDMA TONY BASTARD: *Spits huge glob of Covid-19 into customers face*

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

  • Nothing is ever as good or bad as you think.
    • http://www.last.fm/user/georgethebadger/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #36 on: March 18, 2020, 07:10:27 AM »
     

I think we'd all like to wish Tony a very happy Vasectomy Day!

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Chaos with Ed Miliband
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #37 on: March 18, 2020, 07:17:52 AM »
MARCH DEAL
TEA ON BROWN - £1.29, OR 3 FOR £3

FRIDAY
SPECIAL GUEST: PELE

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #38 on: March 18, 2020, 07:38:32 AM »
Hah great thread

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #39 on: March 18, 2020, 09:32:25 AM »
CUSTOMER: Do you have peppermint tea?

TONY: Do I look like a poof?

CUSTOMER: Sorry?

TONY: One second.

*TONY GOES BEHIND THE COUNTER DOLLOPS SOME COLGATE INTO A CUP OF TYPHOO*

CUSTOMER: It's a bit cloudy this tea.

TONY: That's cos it's organic.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #40 on: March 18, 2020, 11:24:37 AM »
BEARD: Hi, um, do you sell avocado?
TONY (shouting into back): TYSOOOON!

A rottweiler starts to emerge through the kitchen door-curtain.

Fambo Number Mive

  • Golden Member
  • *****
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #41 on: March 18, 2020, 11:48:18 AM »
TONY: We got red sauce, brown sauce and my special sauce. If you want anything else,you bring it yourself, and there is a £5 corkage charge.

DINER: This red sauce is very watery?

TONY: Want me to top it up with your blood?

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Chaos with Ed Miliband
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #42 on: March 18, 2020, 12:19:51 PM »
Withnail: We're coming back in here

Tony: Good, see you then.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #43 on: March 18, 2020, 05:12:54 PM »
tony - yer moneys no good here
clint - oh tony you're so kind
tony - open that arse

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Chaos with Ed Miliband
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #44 on: March 18, 2020, 05:40:50 PM »
'Good morning customers


This may come across as a left field question for a cafe owner to ask, but


DYE LIKE STEEL


COS YED BETTAH'

Fambo Number Mive

  • Golden Member
  • *****
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #45 on: March 18, 2020, 05:42:58 PM »
Tony's gone upmarket. Less than two food stains per plate.

Raises prices to compensate for having to wash up once a week now.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

  • Nothing is ever as good or bad as you think.
    • http://www.last.fm/user/georgethebadger/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #46 on: March 18, 2020, 05:48:31 PM »

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Chaos with Ed Miliband
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #47 on: March 18, 2020, 06:02:18 PM »
Sublime work.

Have a hand job in return for that handiwork

ZoyzaSorris

  • Brimming with innards
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #48 on: March 18, 2020, 06:26:37 PM »
Al singlehandedly keeping the lost art of 'shopping vibrant and alive in these dying days. Good stuff.

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #50 on: March 18, 2020, 06:51:31 PM »
tony, can I have two toast and a tea to go please

fucking get out

aye right

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #51 on: March 18, 2020, 06:53:55 PM »
And he's not letting his chesty cough stop him from cooking up a load of big, fat black pudding. He'll sweat it out in the kitchen if need be. Or get one of his zero hour workers to deal with any complaints.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #52 on: March 18, 2020, 06:57:36 PM »
this back doors shit tone, its fuckin auld as fuck, hinges are gone, the lot

aye right, fry it up

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

  • Nothing is ever as good or bad as you think.
    • http://www.last.fm/user/georgethebadger/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #53 on: March 18, 2020, 08:41:24 PM »

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Chaos with Ed Miliband
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #54 on: March 18, 2020, 08:59:06 PM »
Hahahahaha

'enchating platate cleanser section'  just make me introduce spittle into the faces of 5 At Risk category boomers.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

  • Nothing is ever as good or bad as you think.
    • http://www.last.fm/user/georgethebadger/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #55 on: March 18, 2020, 09:12:31 PM »
Dammit, typo!

Blame the subeditor.

chveik

  • JAZZ SNOB EAT SHIT
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #56 on: March 18, 2020, 09:31:28 PM »
Gruesome Trevor: five stars

Fambo Number Mive

  • Golden Member
  • *****
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #57 on: March 18, 2020, 10:10:23 PM »
Table nearest the toilets is free but you can't hear each other talk over Theo sound of three anuses gushing thick diarroah after half an egg roll. You get used to the smell as it's covered up by Tony's confident farts

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #58 on: March 18, 2020, 10:11:12 PM »
"Tony, it's Mick. Look, you know I wouldn't ask unless it was really urgent - you couldn't give our Sandra a lift to the hospital could you? She needs her dialysis and I can't take her because I'm self-isolating"

"Sorry Mick, you know I usually would, but it's heaving in here" says Tony, surveying the empty tea room while poking a dead cockroach under a cupboard with his toe.




[1]


 1. Also props to Al for a superb effort

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #59 on: March 18, 2020, 11:12:44 PM »
Dammit, typo!

Blame the subeditor.

The typos make it even more grim. Love it.

(Also I love fat Tyson).

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