Author Topic: Tony Bastard's tea rooms  (Read 5333 times)

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #60 on: March 18, 2020, 11:18:47 PM »
Tony's staff list from 2019 is looking grim.

Anthony Bastard (Head of everything and chief-gammon producer/ slaughterer).
Part time-Phil: Monday (Morning when out of category C prison, good with eggs. Not allowed near women or childern - Just keep him in the back. It'll be reet. £7.50 a week.
Zero hour Zoe - Dispensible, Doing it as a favour to her mam. £ Leave it to UC
Zero hour Zac - Dispensible, Customer support (Possible thief). £ Leave it to UC
Tyson -  Watchdog and Chief barker £ bones, gravy and bacon
Mad Malory - 'Waitress' (i.e she chats too much shit and is fucking lazy) - £ Minimum wage as it was in 1990. [Wed/Thurs/Fri only due to her other job]. Consider sacking if she gives too much lip.
 - Not my fault she's in debt.
Saturday Sam - Mate of a mate's mate's kid -  Washes up. Doesn't need paying because he's under ten. Part-Time Phil will show him the ropes.



Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Chaos with Ed Miliband
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #61 on: March 19, 2020, 07:26:55 AM »
'Diversify the audience to survive'

Tony brings in a meccano set. A greasey film of bacon fog clinging to all the rungs and slats.

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #62 on: March 19, 2020, 11:56:59 AM »
You'll be wanting a lift to the gastrointestinal unit in about 20 minutes pal. Gary here can take you for £30.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #63 on: March 19, 2020, 01:23:28 PM »
TEA ROOM CLOSED UNTIL JUNE AT THE LEAST. OH AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY THE LOCAL SUPERMARKET IS HALF EMPTY, IT'S COS I DONE DID BITTA PANIC BUYING.

- TONY.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

  • Nothing is ever as good or bad as you think.
    • http://www.last.fm/user/georgethebadger/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #64 on: March 19, 2020, 03:06:46 PM »
Tyson's gonna be eating 3 months worth of Heinz all day breakfasts.

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #65 on: March 19, 2020, 10:13:47 PM »
Tony Bastard re-opens when everywhere else closes down.
Fucking raking it in.

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #66 on: March 19, 2020, 11:09:58 PM »
Coughing and wheezing like he's got emphysema all over the Victoria sponge.

SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE CAKE?

No, no, Tony, I'll have two slices.

COMING UP

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #67 on: March 20, 2020, 12:54:01 AM »
I'm all out of coffee but it looks like coffee.

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #68 on: March 20, 2020, 03:07:48 AM »
ITS GENITAL PASTE OR FUCK ALL ELSE TODAY

drinks?

FUCK OOOOOOOOOOOOFF

Sherringford Hovis

  • (ᵔᴥᵔ)
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #69 on: March 20, 2020, 03:07:58 AM »
Tony uses Tyson's cone of shame to funnel unrefrigerated Poundland mayonnaise into mini ramekins made from Frijj bottle-tops filched from the bin on the BP forecourt.

No cream for the scones since a week last Tuesday when Mr Patel moved the Anchor Squirty cans to the fridge in full view of Costcutters' tills.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #70 on: March 20, 2020, 07:22:48 AM »
"Maintain a distance of at least two inches from each other, customers. And don't cough on the food! Well not too much if you can help it. Oh yeah, card thing's broken. Cash only. Used notes only."

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #71 on: March 20, 2020, 08:58:56 PM »
CUSTOMER: Afternoon tea for two, please.

TONY: You what?

CUSTOMER: An afternoon tea for two, please.

TONY: You want Tyson to fuck your wife? My dog inside your missus?

CUSTOMER: Pardon? No, I don’t think you understand. We’d like an afternoon tea, please. For two.

TONY: Up the arse? Fucking hell, mate. Your wife’s a fucking goer.

CUSTOMER: Really, this is absolutely disgraceful. We just came in for an afternoon tea and you’re using foul language and insulting my wife.

TONY: And I’ll fuck her mouth whilst you sob and wank in the corner? Consider it done.

CUSTOMER: Come on Deirdre, let’s get out of here. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

TONY: Oi, guvnor! Where you going? I’ve got my dog Tyson fucking your wife up the arse whilst she sucks me off and you sit all cucked in a corner here!

*THE CUSTOMERS ARE HALFWAY UP THE ROAD AS TONY GESTURES TO A BEAUTIFULLY PRESENTED AFTERNOON TEA THAT HE’S LAID OUT ON THEIR TABLE*

TONY: Fuck’s sake, that”s the third today.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Chaos with Ed Miliband
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #72 on: March 20, 2020, 09:39:20 PM »
Tony, an impartial observer would remark that you gave that dwarf short shrift!

Look son, I been on that awareness course they put me on, I know them all, them nonces, them ragheads, them coloured them bentons, all of them, them grooming gangs. Win a medal for Briton or fuck off back home.

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #73 on: March 20, 2020, 10:18:20 PM »
Tony Bastard's Dad dies of the virus.
Decides to have an open casket funeral at the cafe (whilst keeping it open to the public).

'It's what he would have wanted'
'Oi. No you show ME where it says you can't have an open casket in a cafe. Bloody 'ealth and safety gone bananas'.
'Tyson stop fucking licking him!'

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #74 on: March 20, 2020, 10:29:59 PM »
Collection tin for Help for Heroes on the counter, predictably. Except Tony has scrawled on it "only for normals though, no poofs or owt"

Kryton

  • (Not) An actual threat to humanity.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #75 on: March 20, 2020, 10:40:06 PM »
Pictures of the Kray Brothers supply a vintage decor to the badly lit venue.
Union Jack hung upside down in the bogs.
A picture of Princess Anne above the steamer.
FREE!!!! TOMY ROBINNSONS!!! spray painted near the bins.

Captain Z

  • Oh yeah my cholesterol's going down
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #76 on: March 21, 2020, 12:54:19 AM »
Don’t worry about Tyson he’s absolutely fine with kids, absolutely fine. Just don’t touch the growth behind his ear, that can set him off.

petrilTanaka

  • Are we counting shites?
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #77 on: March 21, 2020, 09:08:12 AM »
Collection tin for Help for Heroes on the counter, predictably. Except Tony has scrawled on it "only for normals though, no poofs or owt"

the only Hero it's helping is Tony, and everyone implicitly understands

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #78 on: March 21, 2020, 10:31:41 AM »
Customer: Hey, this isn't bacon, it's Frazzles!

Tony: It's not even Frazzles

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #79 on: March 21, 2020, 11:14:03 AM »
Printed on menu in comic sans: No halal aliackbar shit, all meat dunnin proper British, head caved in with an hammer by a meth skeleton in a wareharse.

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #80 on: March 21, 2020, 01:37:20 PM »
Tony Bastard notices you as you catch a glimpse of the kitchen and see Tone's waif-like wife chopping the heads off struggling squirrels.

MINCE AND DUMPLINGS

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #81 on: March 21, 2020, 03:30:11 PM »
Tony's nephew, 'Artful Dodger' Andy, is always on hand to 'pick a pocket or two' among the customers!

Inspector Norse

  • nothing here is required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #82 on: March 21, 2020, 06:35:42 PM »
Aright Tone, didn't expect to see you down here on the Coster del Balls!

Hello Daz mate, actually I’ve got a gaff out here.

Oh really? Caff bringing in a bit of dosh then is it?

Nah mate, I actually do a lot of business out here.

Oh yeah? Buying fancy ingredients is it? Gonna branch out into tapas? Hamone and tortilyers and that?

Nah it’s people smuggling.

Aha. Oh. Right you are then Tone.

Inspector Norse

  • nothing here is required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #83 on: March 21, 2020, 06:40:42 PM »
Here Tony, what happened to that foreign lad you had doing the dishes? Not seen him around for a while.

Up and vanished didn’t he.

They do that, don’t they. Any specials on this week?

Meat pie.

dr beat

  • You're dealing with loved ones, I won't have it
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #84 on: March 21, 2020, 06:49:43 PM »
A pretend-pissed Richard E Grant staggers in demanding 'the finest wines known to humanity'.

What will Tony do?

Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #85 on: March 21, 2020, 08:00:08 PM »
A pretend-pissed Richard E Grant staggers in demanding 'the finest wines known to humanity'.

What will Tony do?

Tony serves him the leftover cooking wine as the 'house red' from the Spag Bol special he did a couple of Friday's ago and says they have an extensive (one bootle, cooking) sherry selection.

Fambo Number Mive

  • Golden Member
  • *****
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #86 on: March 22, 2020, 01:19:22 PM »
"You can only have your Only Fools and Towers dining experience in here if you pay £100 and I get to be Mike."

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #87 on: March 22, 2020, 01:35:27 PM »
"Would you like a scone with that sir? Only £1.20."

"No thank you, fine with just the beans on toast!"

"Ah shit on yah!"

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #88 on: March 23, 2020, 05:09:25 PM »
Inspired by similar efforts, Tony's out delivering meals to the oldest, most vulnerable housebound people in his manor. "There you go love, egg and chips, that'll be £40. I know, inflation these days, eh? It's worse than that Zimbabwe."

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Tony Bastard's tea rooms
« Reply #89 on: March 25, 2020, 09:59:47 AM »
"Right, I'm closing for an hour to get me hair cut. Might try that new 'wanking' barber around the corner."

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