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March 28, 2024, 07:31:45 PM

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Tony Bastard's tea rooms

Started by Kryton, March 14, 2020, 01:35:55 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Kryton

Tony's staff list from 2019 is looking grim.

Anthony Bastard (Head of everything and chief-gammon producer/ slaughterer).
Part time-Phil: Monday (Morning when out of category C prison, good with eggs. Not allowed near women or childern - Just keep him in the back. It'll be reet. £7.50 a week.
Zero hour Zoe - Dispensible, Doing it as a favour to her mam. £ Leave it to UC
Zero hour Zac - Dispensible, Customer support (Possible thief). £ Leave it to UC
Tyson -  Watchdog and Chief barker £ bones, gravy and bacon
Mad Malory - 'Waitress' (i.e she chats too much shit and is fucking lazy) - £ Minimum wage as it was in 1990. [Wed/Thurs/Fri only due to her other job]. Consider sacking if she gives too much lip.
- Not my fault she's in debt.
Saturday Sam - Mate of a mate's mate's kid -  Washes up. Doesn't need paying because he's under ten. Part-Time Phil will show him the ropes.



Shoulders?-Stomach!

'Diversify the audience to survive'

Tony brings in a meccano set. A greasey film of bacon fog clinging to all the rungs and slats.

Pingers

You'll be wanting a lift to the gastrointestinal unit in about 20 minutes pal. Gary here can take you for £30.

Glebe

TEA ROOM CLOSED UNTIL JUNE AT THE LEAST. OH AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY THE LOCAL SUPERMARKET IS HALF EMPTY, IT'S COS I DONE DID BITTA PANIC BUYING.

- TONY.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

Tyson's gonna be eating 3 months worth of Heinz all day breakfasts.

Kryton

Tony Bastard re-opens when everywhere else closes down.
Fucking raking it in.

pancreas

Coughing and wheezing like he's got emphysema all over the Victoria sponge.

SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE CAKE?

No, no, Tony, I'll have two slices.

COMING UP

Kryton

I'm all out of coffee but it looks like coffee.

Goldentony

ITS GENITAL PASTE OR FUCK ALL ELSE TODAY

drinks?

FUCK OOOOOOOOOOOOFF

Sherringford Hovis

Tony uses Tyson's cone of shame to funnel unrefrigerated Poundland mayonnaise into mini ramekins made from Frijj bottle-tops filched from the bin on the BP forecourt.

No cream for the scones since a week last Tuesday when Mr Patel moved the Anchor Squirty cans to the fridge in full view of Costcutters' tills.

Glebe

"Maintain a distance of at least two inches from each other, customers. And don't cough on the food! Well not too much if you can help it. Oh yeah, card thing's broken. Cash only. Used notes only."

CUSTOMER: Afternoon tea for two, please.

TONY: You what?

CUSTOMER: An afternoon tea for two, please.

TONY: You want Tyson to fuck your wife? My dog inside your missus?

CUSTOMER: Pardon? No, I don't think you understand. We'd like an afternoon tea, please. For two.

TONY: Up the arse? Fucking hell, mate. Your wife's a fucking goer.

CUSTOMER: Really, this is absolutely disgraceful. We just came in for an afternoon tea and you're using foul language and insulting my wife.

TONY: And I'll fuck her mouth whilst you sob and wank in the corner? Consider it done.

CUSTOMER: Come on Deirdre, let's get out of here. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

TONY: Oi, guvnor! Where you going? I've got my dog Tyson fucking your wife up the arse whilst she sucks me off and you sit all cucked in a corner here!

*THE CUSTOMERS ARE HALFWAY UP THE ROAD AS TONY GESTURES TO A BEAUTIFULLY PRESENTED AFTERNOON TEA THAT HE'S LAID OUT ON THEIR TABLE*

TONY: Fuck's sake, that"s the third today.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Tony, an impartial observer would remark that you gave that dwarf short shrift!

Look son, I been on that awareness course they put me on, I know them all, them nonces, them ragheads, them coloured them bentons, all of them, them grooming gangs. Win a medal for Briton or fuck off back home.

Kryton

Tony Bastard's Dad dies of the virus.
Decides to have an open casket funeral at the cafe (whilst keeping it open to the public).

'It's what he would have wanted'
'Oi. No you show ME where it says you can't have an open casket in a cafe. Bloody 'ealth and safety gone bananas'.
'Tyson stop fucking licking him!'

Pingers

Collection tin for Help for Heroes on the counter, predictably. Except Tony has scrawled on it "only for normals though, no poofs or owt"

Kryton

Pictures of the Kray Brothers supply a vintage decor to the badly lit venue.
Union Jack hung upside down in the bogs.
A picture of Princess Anne above the steamer.
FREE!!!! TOMY ROBINNSONS!!! spray painted near the bins.

Captain Z

Don't worry about Tyson he's absolutely fine with kids, absolutely fine. Just don't touch the growth behind his ear, that can set him off.

petril

Quote from: Pingers on March 20, 2020, 10:29:59 PM
Collection tin for Help for Heroes on the counter, predictably. Except Tony has scrawled on it "only for normals though, no poofs or owt"

the only Hero it's helping is Tony, and everyone implicitly understands

Pingers

Customer: Hey, this isn't bacon, it's Frazzles!

Tony: It's not even Frazzles

Poobum

Printed on menu in comic sans: No halal aliackbar shit, all meat dunnin proper British, head caved in with an hammer by a meth skeleton in a wareharse.

pancreas

Tony Bastard notices you as you catch a glimpse of the kitchen and see Tone's waif-like wife chopping the heads off struggling squirrels.

MINCE AND DUMPLINGS

Glebe

Tony's nephew, 'Artful Dodger' Andy, is always on hand to 'pick a pocket or two' among the customers!

Inspector Norse

Aright Tone, didn't expect to see you down here on the Coster del Balls!

Hello Daz mate, actually I've got a gaff out here.

Oh really? Caff bringing in a bit of dosh then is it?

Nah mate, I actually do a lot of business out here.

Oh yeah? Buying fancy ingredients is it? Gonna branch out into tapas? Hamone and tortilyers and that?

Nah it's people smuggling.

Aha. Oh. Right you are then Tone.

Inspector Norse

Here Tony, what happened to that foreign lad you had doing the dishes? Not seen him around for a while.

Up and vanished didn't he.

They do that, don't they. Any specials on this week?

Meat pie.

dr beat

A pretend-pissed Richard E Grant staggers in demanding 'the finest wines known to humanity'.

What will Tony do?

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: dr beat on March 21, 2020, 06:49:43 PM
A pretend-pissed Richard E Grant staggers in demanding 'the finest wines known to humanity'.

What will Tony do?

Tony serves him the leftover cooking wine as the 'house red' from the Spag Bol special he did a couple of Friday's ago and says they have an extensive (one bootle, cooking) sherry selection.

Fambo Number Mive

"You can only have your Only Fools and Towers dining experience in here if you pay £100 and I get to be Mike."

Glebe

"Would you like a scone with that sir? Only £1.20."

"No thank you, fine with just the beans on toast!"

"Ah shit on yah!"

Pingers

Inspired by similar efforts, Tony's out delivering meals to the oldest, most vulnerable housebound people in his manor. "There you go love, egg and chips, that'll be £40. I know, inflation these days, eh? It's worse than that Zimbabwe."

Glebe

"Right, I'm closing for an hour to get me hair cut. Might try that new 'wanking' barber around the corner."