Tony Bastard's tea rooms

[Fambo Number Mive]

Tony's customers notice a few white drops in their food later that day, but a bit less hair.

[Glebe]

"Right folks, I'm having emergency open-heart surgery back here, just help yourselves and leave the cash in the till."

[Pingers]

Tony, it's Zoe. I can't come in today, I've got the rag on.

Alright, I'll be round in a bit with the ketchup holders.

[Glebe]

"Excuse me, this friend slice tastes a bit off."

"Fuck off."

"Well that's charming!"

"Listen mate, I'm not Basil Fawlty. If you want bad service with a sparkle of charm then go to the wankng barber."

[Pingers]

Customer: "Excuse me, but.."

Tony: "CUUUUUUUNT"

[pancreas]

This cake is really great, Tone. Have you changed the recipe?

Sort of. I got in on the human trafficking game. Great cooks and the manacles came free.

[Glebe]

"Oi! There's a human tooth in my pudding!"

"Sit down, sir. You're getting overwrought."

[Kryton]

Tony installs a mesh curtain that lets flies into the kitchen.

[Kryton]

IF YOU'RE GOING TO USE CREDIT AND CHIP PIN, PLEASE WRITE YOUR 4 DIGITS SECURITY COED IN THE BIG BOOK.

[Glebe]

"Excuse me, this tea is cold."

"What of it?"

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Tony empties out the Help for Heroes charity tin into the fruit machine.

[Glebe]

"A latte, please."

"You want milk in that cunt?"

[Glebe]

"This fry-up is cold, mate."

"Yeah? Well shove it up your fucking arse and fuck off our of my tea rooms, y'fucking twat. Time-waster."

[Inspector Norse]

Good morning, proprietor! I'd like a full English, please!

Hahahahaha

I'm sorry, what?

Full English. You know.

No, what?

I thought you were askin' for me COCK.

[Glebe]

"Mate, you've been staring at that chalk board for like four minutes. Buy something or get the fuck out of my fucking establishment, you detestable fuck-faced sod."

[Glebe]

"Enjoying your meal sir?"

"I'd enjoy it a lot more if there weren't six dead wasps in it."

[Phoenix Lazarus]

'I say, Paul, Tony's tea rooms are so exquisite-not least, those beautiful home-made iced cakes, the ones that white-faced, shaking man in the corner is consuming.'

'Ah him.  Those two big thugs by him are Tony's goons.  Their car's just outside.  He pissed Tony off but he gave him the cakes-last request, y'know (winks and smiles).'

[Glebe]

"Could I have some of that shepards's pie, please?"

Tony throws it in his face.

"I don't do pleasantries."

[Phoenix Lazarus]

'Not seen our cat?  Just thought I'd ring.  Still getting those rats?'

Holding his phone, Tony smirks as rodents eat a still form with wet fur by an empty bottle of PESTOKILL.

[Glebe]

"Some of your lovely flapjacks please if its not too much trouble."

"Get it yourself."

[Glebe]

"There's your all day breakfast, mate."

"A little courtesy wouldn't go amiss."

"Oh you fucking cunt. Stick your courtesy up your fucking jacksie, you utter pile of steaming drivel."

[Glebe]

"Givvus a fucking egg sambo Tony y'ugly fucking cunt!"

"Alright Gary my son, 'ows Daz?"

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

[Glebe]

Wow.

[buttgammon]

Would totally pay £14.95 for that!

[Kryton]

Fucking hell that's good.

[idunnosomename]

poor tyson, the fat cunt

[Pingers]

Would totally pay £14.95 for that!

I'd pay the full £19.95. splendid.

[Kryton]

poor tyson, the fat cunt

Cute though.

[shiftwork2]

That encapsulated dead cat.