A truly shit thread

[touchingcloth]

For various reasons - the state of the planet, panic buying, having a septic tank - we are trying to cut down on our use of toilet paper.

We have a bidet but...how do you actually use one?

I can roughly work out a few potential ways, but a lot of the forks on the decision tree are unclear as to which way I should take:

Do I wipe first? Pros: less shit to get sprayed around by the bidet'a nozzle. Cons: if I'm going to start with a wipe I may as well wipe to conclusion, making the bidet only of use for feet again.

Do I sit facing the nozzle? Pros: easy washing of the penis. Cons: difficult washing of the anus, which is the area I'm most interested in (careful!!!).

Do I sit facing away from the nozzle? Pros: easy/easier washing of the anus. Cons: difficult washing of the penis; the potential for shit to be blasted over the bathroom, my cheeks and back.

The bidet has a nozzle which can be angled, but also a plughole with a plug. Do I angle the jet to blast shit away, or do I fill with water and use a cupped hand to slosh it to where it's needed?

Bidet users, hit me with your wisdom. Non-bidet users, hit me with your speculation and musings.

Nota bene - during one period at university we ran out of toilet paper and couldn't agree on whose turn it was to buy more. During this period I used to hose my anus off in the shower after removing the head from the hose, so I'm familiar with the process of nozzle-based shit removal in broad terms, but I'm also familiar with the amount of brown watery mess which ensues, which can be dealt with simply behind the screen of a shower curtain, but which I imagine being a foul nightmare in the dryer part of the bathroom.

[madhair60]

got a bidet have you posh cunt

[TheBrownBottle]

We use a bidet in Casa Brown Bottle.

I'm not sure if this is bidet protocol for others, but I occasionally wipe before using the bidet to finish the job.  Circumstances dictate when this is necessary (imagination required).

Usually facing the bidet is a ladies-only thing.  Optional for men.  Would be a pretty awkward way to wash your knob, mind.

Use of hands sometimes occurs towards the end of the wash.  In the current climate, I'm sure we're all thoroughly washing our hands, so this isn't much to worry about.

I sometimes use a single piece of toilet roll at the end to dry - this is also optional, and less necessary if your rear exit is able to handle hot water, which will of course dry quickly.

Pros: It's nice having a clean-feeling bot without having to shower.  And there is far less chance of a trip to Coldbotz should the Bottom Inspectors show up at your door.

Cons: time-consuming; can feel weird; genuine chance of getting poo-flecked warm water all over your trousers if you position yourself incorrectly

[bgmnts]

I just use the shower as an impromptu bidet.

[Replies From View]

I just use the shower as an impromptu bidet.

Since the invention of the shower head that you can magically detach from the wall using your hands and manipulate so it can spray in any direction why are bidets still even in operation?  Clear space in your bathroom for a bin or something.  Or toilet if you want to copy that Not the Nine O'Clock News sketch.  Anything but a bidet.

I have heard people boasting in real life that they don't need toilet paper because they own a bidet.  Well fuck off!!

[Dex Sawash]

If you have a hot/cold bidet, do you let the water run warm before you sit? 
I installed one of those bidet/seat combos for my daughter that was cold only, seems pretty hardcore to go with a straight cold blast to the hoop.

[Paul Calf]

Nota bene

Well, that's your opinion.

[Replies From View]

During this period I used to hose my anus off in the shower after removing the head from the hose

How did it even get stuck up there

[touchingcloth]

got a bidet have you posh cunt

Since the invention of the shower head that you can magically detach from the wall using your hands and manipulate so it can spray in any direction why are bidets still even in operation?  Clear space in your bathroom for a bin or something.  Or toilet if you want to copy that Not the Nine O'Clock News sketch.  Anything but a bidet.

We are victims of circumstance. In Portugal building regs haven't caught up with the times and so a bidet in the main bathroom is mandatory. I don't know how widespread their use is, because my colloquial Portuguese doesn't extend to "alright, mate - bidets, what's all tharrabout?". Yet.

[Replies From View]

I don't know how widespread their use is, because my colloquial Portuguese doesn't extend to "alright, mate - bidets, what's all tharrabout?". Yet.

Get your priorities sorted



Also how did your head get stuck up your arse that one time

[Gregory Torso]

yo, your arse smells of shit, hth

[touchingcloth]

Also how did your head get stuck up your arse that one time

I think you are being deliberately obtuse and that a reasonable person would not draw that assumption from what I wrote.





























An assumption that it was just once, I mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pijlstaart]

Father has a bidet, sometimes he keeps garden shoes in it, sometimes magazines. Pre-divorce, mother was big on keeping up with the joneses, argos catalogue splendour, we were raised to covet corner baths and corner sofas and pouffes, but most of it was beyond our reach. We got a bidet and a rockery, both of which were underused. Only time I used the bidet was post-circumcision, my sad little mickey sponged up with pus, a thick yellow buttercream coating, we tried to clean him up with trowels and spatulas and waxing strips, causing him great pain. However, he was a latter-day Bernadette Soubirous, visions guided him to the healing waters of the bidet and it was there, over days and weeks that he was cured, tremendous, and in time I have no doubt he will be canonised.

[Kryton]

got a bidet have you posh cunt

He says 'bidet' but it's a stolen sink with a hosepipe attached from a now murdered neighbour's kitchen.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I'm down to my last half bog roll, so I've been letting my morning shits lead my shower routine.

[touchingcloth]

I gave this a dry run today. Well, a wet run, but you know what I mean. An unshitted anus run. It feels fraught; I have no doubt that it would leave my arsehole spotless, but the porcelain, my hands, my clothes and the whole darn room would be CALMLY destroyed. PS, I haven't emptied my colon since starting this thread, so learning this technique is becoming urgent.

[Cerys]

It's at times like this that I'm truly thankful for my bionic arse.

[thenoise]

Thankfully we stockpiled for Brexit months ago.

My parents had a bidet and I basically used it to clean my feet in after I'd been to the beach. Also occasionally pissed in it, or brushed my teeth in it, if I was in the bathroom with my brother and didn't feel like taking it in turns.

[idunnosomename]

Bidets are good for being sick in. Much less demeaning than crawling up to the toilet bowl.

[SteveDave]

Do other men really "wash" their nobs every time they have a piss?

[Better Midlands]

Do other men really "wash" their nobs every time they have a piss?

In the penis beaker by the sink?

[touchingcloth]

Do other men really "wash" their nobs every time they have a piss?

I do. I tend to eschew bog roll, pinch my foreskin to prevent drips and thus encumbered waddle to the sink where I expose my glans so I can give it a rinse. It's been said in the past that I'm nothing if not a sophisticate.