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Your skin's topography.

Started by Deadman97, April 23, 2005, 02:21:02 PM

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lardboy

I am never looking up words I don't understand ever again.  You are bad bad people.

Hint:  always leave your search bar on Google rather than Google Images, that way you are forewarned, rather than immediately assaulted by things that make you want to claw your eyes out.

Gazeuse

Quote from: "Fucknose"OH........MY.................GOD.

OHMYGOD.

Thankyou Tracey, for putting me off EVER having children.

I was effectively neutered when at the age of seven or eight we had our sex education films at school. At the time they must have had a 'chuck 'em in at the deep end' attitude (1969-70) because after a few pictures of chicks and eggs, they showed one of the noisiest and bloodiest births they could have possibly filmed. I remember looking round in the classroom and seeing kids with their mouths agape in horror. Several girls were in tears and one boy fainted and had to be taken out and given smelling salts. I knew from that moment on that I never wanted kids...Luckily Mrs. Gaz was subjected to the same film and we're of the same mind.

The boy who fainted however, at the last count, had five children.

mook

I'm terrified of the thought of having kids, I've already told Ms. mook ( who is getting incresingly broody) that there is no way that I'll be present at the birth, and that was before I discovered the possibilty that her ladygarden might be ripped quite literally from arsehole to breakfast time. Christ I would be a mess in the delivery room with all that going on. Also I'm sure I read somewhere (here most probably) that it's common for women to shit themselves during the birth!...The more I think about it the more sense not having sprogs makes.

Ambient Sheep

Quote from: "Gazeuse"I was effectively neutered when at the age of seven or eight we had our sex education films at school. At the time they must have had a 'chuck 'em in at the deep end' attitude (1969-70) because after a few pictures of chicks and eggs, they showed one of the noisiest and bloodiest births they could have possibly filmed.  I remember looking round in the classroom and seeing kids with their mouths agape in horror. Several girls were in tears and one boy fainted and had to be taken out and given smelling salts.
This is strange...because from discussion on this we've had before I'm fairly sure it was the same film that I was subjected to in first-year juniors in 1972.  The one with the guy with an elastic band round his fingers comparing them to a vagina, and the dog giving birth to puppies?  They showed clips from it again recently on Channel 5's "Everything you ever wanted to know about sex education", brought back some memories.

Anyway, to get back to the point, it didn't seem that bloody to us, and nobody fainted or anything.  Perhaps Herts kids were fragile and us Essex kids were tuff!!  ;-)  The clip was in black and white as well (on C5, at school in 1972 they only had a black and white telly anyway - one of those ones in the big wheel-in wooden cabinet!).

Quote from: "Gazeuse"I knew from that moment on that I never wanted kids...Luckily Mrs. Gaz was subjected to the same film and we're of the same mind.
Amazing...that such an experience could override maternal instinct.

Quote from: "Gazeuse"The boy who fainted however, at the last count, had five children.
One assumes he wasn't present at the birth of any of them.  :-)

Ambient Sheep

Quote from: "mook"Also I'm sure I read somewhere (here most probably) that it's common for women to shit themselves during the birth!...
Yup, and if they're REALLY lucky they have an anal prolapse as well with all the straining, and have to have that pushed back and stitched up as well.

[WARNING, I find this next bit particularly gross, but that might just be me.]

Interestingly I read something (probably in New Scientist) the other day saying that babies are normally born face downwards in order that they get a good smear of shit residue across their nose and mouth in order to kickstart the immune system.  Babies born face upwards don't get this, and according to some scientific study or other are far more likely to develop allergies and the like in later life as a result, apparently.

Yuck!

TraceyQ

It really doesnt hurt *that much* you know?  

Only problem is you're not allowed to go to Morocco afterwards.

terminallyrelaxed

Well, you've put me right off giving birth.

Gazeuse

Quote from: "Ambient Sheep"This is strange...because from discussion on this we've had before I'm fairly sure it was the same film that I was subjected to in first-year juniors in 1972.  The one with the guy with an elastic band round his fingers comparing them to a vagina, and the dog giving birth to puppies?
That rings a bell, but we had another film which seemed separate. This was in FULL colour and left nothing (And I mean nothing, in the light of comments above) to the imagination.

Cerys

Quote from: "TraceyQ"Only problem is you're not allowed to go to Morocco afterwards.

What - never?

TraceyQ

I'm just bitching. I've been offered an "educational" trip to Morocco today for 5 days, departing in three weeks and, because of the kids I'm probably going to have to turn it down.

Rats

Christ, I thought it was a euphamism for anal sex, I thought you were still talking about that operation.

Fucknose

Quote from: "Ambient Sheep"
Quote from: "Fucknose"Thankyou Tracey, for putting me off EVER having children. RIght now I am trying So so hard not to be sick.  Jesus christ, there's NOTHING natural about that. ..................
No, indeed there isn't, which is why the Natural Childbirth type pages I linked to above strongly advise against it.  That's if you can manage to read them...sorry to have made you feel so ill.

You could always pay £3000 and have a designer Caesarian.

where do I sign?........................................

Seriously, this has really all put me off. Im 27 this year and childbirth honestly scares me more than death. honest. I cant bear pain and the thought of my fanwar ripping and my A-hole falling out is so NOT made up for by then not being able to go on holiday ever again.

And I take it post-birth sex is right out. Thats if your partner can bear to go near your flapping.....................

time to go home I think

Frinky

For what it's worth, after you're all healed and stuff, the cuts appear to be virtually invisible.

Cerys

Given that SNG and I are trying to produce a sprog, I probably shouldn't be reading this thread.  On the other hand, heh.

Gazeuse

I believe you get a stick to bite on with the NHS.

Fucknose

Quote from: "Frinky"For what it's worth, after you're all healed and stuff, the cuts appear to be virtually invisible.

How many have you looked at???????

I've had the shivers about this for hours now, it's fascinating me in a bizarre way and I still havent built up the courage to look at the linky earlier that has an actual video of it being done. It's been brilliant contraception anyway, if they actually told you more about this at school teenage pregancy would be halved.

Personally scars would be the last of my worries if I had this done. Regaining my bodily functions would probably be a bit higher. If anyones actually had a sprog please say it's not really this bad, before I book my sterilisation operation.

RFT

well, I became a father about 5 weeks ago, and while my wife was in an awful lot of pain, she got through it in true CaB way. with powerful drugs.

ok, it wasn;t quite that simple- due to a cocoscopy a long time ago her cervix wouldn't dilate far enough, and she had to have a ceasarean.

the shitting yourself thing is overplayed somewhat. it's nto somethign that happens to everyone- in fact I think it's in the minority. usually (so i;m told, anyway), part of the onset of early labour is an attack of diaorrhea, while you've still got the mobility to get to the toilet. after that, there's usually not much to come out.

also, (again this is just what I was told at the hospital we were at)- episiotimies aren't that widely used. but then that may be down to the hospital you're at.

Frinky

Quote from: "Fucknose"How many have you looked at???????.

Not quite as many as you use question marks, that's for sure.

Edit: congratulations, Car-Dude.

mook

Quote from: "RFT"
cocoscopy
.

Right, I googled the last scary  unfamilar looking medical word, whose doing this 'un?

Frinky

GIS brings up... nothing.

RFT

cheers!

I misspelled it.
the word of the day is:
Colposcopy

short version is that it's a prcedure where a laser is used to cauterise cuts in the cervix that may be there for whatever reason.

Fucknose

Jesus christ does it never end??!? Stop with the tubes and tears and scissors and stuff. I worked on the day suite at the hospital years ago and the colposcopy was the worst thing ever  - had to be uber nice to the patients coming in for that badboy, and it was the procedure most appointments were missed for.   Big up Mrs RFT for that, and the pair of you on your little rug rat. Hard core drugs, yes, had forgotten about that option. Yes, I think that would be the way forward.

TraceyQ

I'd much rather an episiotomy than a caesarean. I was more scared of the drugs than giving birth so it was a whiff of gas an air and some crazy yoga breathing methods for me.  Shelling peas, mate.

<sneezes and a bit of wee comes out>

Sorry.

Fucknose

Quote from: "TraceyQ"I'd much rather an episiotomy than a caesarean. I was more scared of the drugs than giving birth so it was a whiff of gas an air and some crazy yoga breathing methods for me.  Shelling peas, mate.

<sneezes and a bit of wee comes out>

Sorry.


Made me laugh. A lot.  I'm loving the fact not a single person has said 'oh but the beautiful baby made it all so worthwhile' Fuck that,  'my fanny was hurting so much and I was so high there could have been 12 babies and i wouldnt have noticed" seems closer. Im booking the sterilisation right now. And a nice long holiday afterwards.

Cerys

I'm beginning to suspect that my plans to have a drug-free labour will have to undergo a drastic rethink....

Darrell

I have a deformity on the back of my head - there's just a big pointed bulge at the rear of my skull. All hail Freak Boy.

Now you know why I have long thick hair.

I've got tons of acne scars, and more stretchmarks than you can shake a stick at due to my over-rapid growth at the height of my adolescence. Balls to them.

RFT

QuoteI'm loving the fact not a single person has said 'oh but the beautiful baby made it all so worthwhile'

well, it's not my place to say that as it wasn;t me going through the pain at the time, but the wife's already talking about maybe having another one, so that would appear to be proof that she thinks it was worth it.

Cerys

But isn't there a chemical release in a woman's body after giving birth so that she 'forgets' the pain?  Or did I dream it?

hands cold, liver warm

have it gestate in a test tube. All you needs is a set of bigger tubes to last over the 9 months. I'm sure a specialist laboratory glass company could sort you out. Might hit your wallet a bit though

RFT

maybe, post-natal hormonal changes can do a lot...I know em doesn't remeber a great deal of detail of the birth, but she was pethadined to her eyballs.

she says she remebers the pain, though.