The wanking barber.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

"Mate, this gown is all stiff and smelly"

The Wanking Barber gives an enigmatic smile. Unzips fly.

"That it is, Sir. That it is"

[Fambo Number Mive]

"These mirrors could do with a wipe. What is it, sweat?"

"Not sweat, sir! I'd wipe that straight off."

[Glebe]

"Excuse me sir, I'm Dectective Inspector Tosh of the local constabulary. We've been getting complaints from your customers that you've been engaging in acts of onanism whilst cutting their hair."

"What's onanism?"

"It's masturbation, sir."

"That's 'wanking', isn't it?"

"It is sir, yes."

"So I suppose you're going to take me down to the station. I'll be charged and probably convicted and my barber shop will be closed down."

"Not necessarily, sir... perhaps we can come to some sort of... arrangement."

"Okay then. Free haircut every month if you agree to dismiss the complaints?"

"That sounds good to me sir. I'm due a trim right now."

"Great! Take a seat, Inspector. Oh yeah do you mind if I have a wank first?"

"Not at all, sir. Not at all."

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

[Removed by request]

I want to know what this post said.

[Pink Gregory]

P.S. I am wanking as I write this receipt for one haircut, sir.

[Glebe]

"My usual, please. Not wanking today?"

"No sir. I may have to start taking Viagra."

[Replies From View]

Hello I would like a haircut please


Certainly sir; which one, haha

[Glebe]

"Call me conservative, but I'm not accustomed to this sort of behaviour from a barber!"

"Get with the times, Out of Touch Dad."

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Customer: "This is outrageous! You can't just masturbate all over people and expect to get away with it! I'm calling the police!"

The Wanking Policeman emerges slowly from the back room. He too, predictably, is wanking his cock. The barber and the policeman stand either side of the man, both furiously wanking only inches from his face

Policeman: "I don't think you'll be doing that, will you Sir? Now sit still"

[Glebe]

"Could you apply some hairgel?"

"I'm holding my tube in my hand as we speak."

[Replies From View]

Good afternoon barber I have entered this zone for some social proximity please, as I am drained by this endless distancing

Certainly sir which one of them would you like to have cut haha  *starts wanking*

[Gregory Torso]

And what'll it be today, sir?

"Number two round the side, just a trim on top. Thanks."

And how are you, then? Coping with all this chaos going on?

"Yeah, it's mad. Ha, ha."

Yes, I've not had so many customers I have to say.

(snip, snip)

And how is the wife?

"Oh, I'm not married."

Very good, sir.

(snip, snip)

"Erm..."

Yes, sir?

"Well, it's just the sign said..."

Yes, sir?

"The sign said 'The Wanking Barber', and you're just, well, you're just cutting my hair."

Yes. I'm afraid I don't find you attractive. At all.

(snip, snip)

"Oh."

Sorry.

[Replies From View]

- Hello I would like a short back and a short sides please.  With those what would you recommend as a length on the top?

- I would recommend a full width of one of my penises sir.

- Then let's do this!!

[Glebe]

"Do you mind if I sit in the chair, sir? Only it's more comfortable for wanking."

[Replies From View]

Good afternoon sir; welcome.  In the interests of full disclosure the government has urged me to share that my wanking status during your haircut will be:  wanking

Ah it is in the 'on' position?

Correct sir.  My wanking status will be 'wanking' as opposed to 'not wanking'.

Gasp.  And is this newfound virus conveyed through seminal fluids or merely coughs and sneezes?

I believe only through vapours of the mouth, sir.

Very well, let's get on with this!  What's the thing you all say -  "which singular hair would you like cutting" - haha!

[idunnosomename]

Ding ding

Good morning sir, how can I help?

Good morning wanking barber. Would you mind spunking all over my completely bald head?

Certainly sir which one HAHA

[Glebe]

"Next customer!"

"Er... actually, mate, I've just remembered, I've got to be somewhere!"

"Oh. Oh well. Well please do pop in again if you... oh, he's gone."

*continues wanking*

[Replies From View]

I accidentally held this thread up to one of my co-workers today.  I was waiting for a google search on newts to load because she didn't know what they were (she's French and didn't know the word "newt"), and in the meantime she stared blankly over my shoulder at this page about a wanking barber.

[Glebe]

I accidentally held this thread up to one of my co-workers today.  I was waiting for a google search on newts to load because she didn't know what they were (she's French and didn't know the word "newt"), and in the meantime she stared blankly over my shoulder at this page about a wanking barber.

Smashing.

[cptspalding]

Customer Man: Is it OK if I choose a look from one of these magazines?

Wanking Barber:  Of course, for that is why they are there, silly!

Customer Man: Can you do this one of the brunette here?

(points at cover of Plastered Wives)

Wanking Barber: Sure, I've done that one a couple of times but it will take a few completions if you don't mind the wait?

Customer Man: I've nowhere to be.

[Glebe]

"That'll be £15, sir!"

"I'll, er, pay with card if you don't mind."

[Glebe]

"I've made a hole in the back of the chair, sir. Brace yourself."

[Glebe]

"Do you want your hair washed first, si-"

"-NO!"

[Glebe]

DRY CUT - £10

WASH & CUT - £15

HOT TOWEL SHAVE - £25

WANKING BARBER - FREE OF CHARGE

[Glebe]

"Good morning sir, and what will it be today?"

"I'd like a short back and sides, plea- oh wait, that's my phone. Just gonna pop out, won't be a minute."

"That's no problem sir, take your time."

*customer goes out, comes back in after a couple of minutes*

"Sorry about that!"

"No worries, sir!"

"As I was saying short back and sides, please!"

"Very good sir."

*resumes wanking*

Hello I would like a haircut please

Certainly sir; which one, haha

No your confused, that's the wanker barber.

[Replies From View]

Certainly sir which hair - which singular hair - would you like to have cut when I give you "a" hair cut.

[Glebe]

Certainly sir which hair - which singular hair - would you like to have cut when I give you "a" hair cut.

Start a new thread for the 'wanker' barber. It's bad enough trying to figure out the ostrich running to Chariots of Fire without this.

[Replies From View]

Hello sir, welcome to my wanking barber shop, I am the wanking barber not the wanker barber by the way so will not be requiring my own thread.  Incidentally sir which one of your hairs are you seeking for me to cut for you, ha!

[Glebe]

Hello sir, welcome to my wanking barber shop, I am the wanking barber not the wanker barber by the way so will not be requiring my own thread.  Incidentally sir which one of your hairs are you seeking for me to cut for you, ha!

I've PM'd Barry Admin, telling him, 'The ostrich is at it again.' He'll know what I mean.

[Replies From View]

The ostrich can't even cut hair so you're going to feel properly daft when his reply comes in.