Author Topic: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller  (Read 455 times)

Fambo Number Mive

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Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« on: March 26, 2020, 01:32:36 PM »
"Hello, could I have one of your parsnips?"

"Yes, that's £3. Would you like some jam?"

"Yes, please, a jar of orange jam would be great"

"Bottle of my piss as well? This urine was created several hours after a gin and lemon."

"No...just the jam and parsip...unless you got any piss on them"

"No, piss-free. Thanks, bye"

Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2020, 02:52:18 PM »
CUSTOMER: Morning, you got any piss?

SELLER: Piss? No mate, just parsnips.

CUSTOMER: Sorry, I saw the sign and I thought...

SELLER: Haha, only joking! 'Ere, Clive? Clive? Did you see his face when I told him I didn't do piss?! Nah, I live for piss, me! Got as much as you need. £3 a bottle.

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2020, 03:05:42 PM »
"Free bottle of piss with every five parsnips!"

"Business good then?"

"No, why do you think I've giving away my valuable urine? Tosser."


NOTE: The parsnips can be sold from a stall or in a shop, it's up to you.

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2020, 03:18:47 PM »
love this thanks

Glebe

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Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2020, 04:36:27 PM »
"Mmmm, those parsnips look delicious!"

"£2 a kilo to you, my love! Shall I wrap 'em for you?"

"No thank you! There you go, a fiver - keep the change!"

"That's very kind of you, me darlin'! Now, micturition liquids, how are we for those?"

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2020, 04:39:54 PM »
"I do accept piss in exchange for my parsnips, parsnip jam, my book The History of Parsnips, my parsnip-flavoured condoms or my other jams, but not any old piss! How old is the piss, what were you drinking before urinating and what were you eating."

"Six hours old, milk and Carlsberg, and a curry."

"Ok, that's worth seven parsnips, a copy of my book or ten parsnip-flavoured condoms."

"Fucking brilliant! Can I mix it up and have four parsnips and two condoms?"

"Six condoms minimum"

"Okay, six condoms and a parnsip please."

"Kinky...here you go."

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2020, 08:16:15 AM »
'Can I have two kilos of your parsnips please?'

'You'll have to call them pissnarps'

'What'

'If you want any, you'll have to call them pissnarps'

'For Christ's sake, I'm not doing that'

'Fine, suit yourself' [looks busy]

'Jesus, ok then, can I have two kilos of pissnarps please?'

'Sorry, sold out'

Wonderful Butternut

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Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2020, 09:15:19 AM »
"I'd like a couple of parsn-"

"PIIIIIIIISSSSSS!"

"..."

"PISS! LOVELY PISS!!!! PISS!"

"I thought this was a vegetable store..."

"I LOVE TO PISS!! DRINK MY PISS!!"

"k... I'm just going to walk out now..."

"PISS ON ME!"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2020, 09:49:39 AM »
"I'd like the largest parsnip you have please!"

"Hang on, I have it out back."

*few minutes later*

"There you are, sir. That'll be £20!"

"Sniff... hang on, there's a whiff of piss off this!"

"Yes sir, I've had it pickling in the toilet for some days now! Only the best for my customers!"

ZoyzaSorris

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Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2020, 08:09:48 AM »
I say I say I say, my parsnips got no nose.

How do they smell of piss?

They don't, that's the big jar of piss next to them, look.

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Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #10 on: March 28, 2020, 09:24:24 AM »
From far away, it's the Piss-obsessed parsnip seller: Hello!

Customer:  Hi, I'm in dire need of some parsnips.  The lock-down has turned my wife a bit rooty.

Making his strides closer:  That is most advised, sir!  I have piss-soaked parsnips.

Customer:  Woah, that's not what I.... immediately.  I said nothing about piss.

Pops:  Well I'm not sure about that, sir.  Some vintage sanatogen multivitamin bottles, each one containing a range of pisses, and all of my parsnips taking in all of those salts to make them nice and tender.

Customer:  I am here for parsnips if anything, rather than mostly piss.

Pops:  Yes, piss-soaked parsnips, so I'll just go over here to the shed and start showing them to you.
 (After a few moments of rummaging around near the back of the shed)  This here is our prized specimen - nobody has ever bought it and it isn't for sale.

Customer:  Is that wet rot?

Pops:  In a manner of speaking, sir.  Alright, so which form of piss-soaked parsnip were you seeking.  These ones here are all in their sanatogen bottles, taking in their nourishment.  There's no way you could eat one of these without instantly having my piss draining between and around your tastebuds and making the muscles of your face spasm in reflexive disgust.  They have been soaking for so long that this state is permanent for them; even cooking them won't change this core aspect of their nature.

Customer:  Even the way you've described that - I can't understand how this is a good idea.

Pops:  Well you'd be keeping me in business during these tough times, sir.  And your wife is rooting - you said so yourself.

Customer:  Very well; I'll have the lot.

Pops:  That's my boy!  Looks like we'll be closing early today! 

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #11 on: March 28, 2020, 11:34:37 AM »
"There you go madam, a kilo of parsnips!"

"Thank you."

"Lovely weather we're having."

"Indeed... er, are you alright? You seem to be hopping from one foot to the other."

"Yes, there really is nothing like a full bladder!"

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #12 on: March 28, 2020, 02:29:00 PM »
Sorry to piss on your chips mate

Oh, no need to apologise, no need at all!

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #13 on: March 28, 2020, 04:11:14 PM »
"Two parsnips please... boy, selling parsnips must be be thirsty work - you've knocked that can of Monster back in one!"

"Ahhh, yes, trying to produce as much liquid as possible!"

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #14 on: March 28, 2020, 10:11:46 PM »
Not just parsnips now, but cider as well...


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Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #15 on: March 28, 2020, 10:28:12 PM »
And what did his customers think of it?

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Re: Piss-obsessed parsnip seller
« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2020, 11:40:13 AM »
To be fair it’s probably mostly worth it for the jar.

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