Author Topic: Derek: COVID-19 Special  (Read 221 times)

Old Nehamkin

  • You know - for kids!
Derek: COVID-19 Special
« on: March 26, 2020, 09:16:26 PM »
Health Inspector: Derek, have you been tested for coronavirus?
Derek: I'm not good at tests. What?
Health Inspector: Um...would you mind taking one?
Derek: From who?
Health Inspector: Well, an expert, a doctor...
Hannah: You don't have to.
Derek: If I have got...ronavirus... what is it?
Health Inspector: Coronavirus.
Derek: Co...?
Health Inspector: -ronavirus.
Derek: That's what I said, ronavirus. If I do have ronavirus, will I die?
Hannah: No.
Health Inspector: It's highly unlikely, but-
Derek: Will I have to go into hospital and, do experiments on me, and-
Hannah: No!
Health Inspector: Well, you-
Derek: Will it- will it change me in any way, will I be the same person?
Hannah: Yes!
Health Inspector: I don't think you understand what I'm trying to-
Derek: Don't worry about it then.

Old Nehamkin

  • You know - for kids!
Re: Derek: COVID-19 Special
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2020, 09:19:01 PM »
*Derek wrestles care home resident to ground*

Geoff (evil replacement janitor from series 2): Whoa, hang on a minute. What happened to social distancing?
Hannah: You know what, Geoff? Why don't you just fuck off?

petrilTanaka

  • Are we counting shites?
Re: Derek: COVID-19 Special
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2020, 09:59:02 PM »
*pandemic kills many and infects countless many more*


*but it is kind*

Lemming

  • Short-Burst Underwater Crying
Re: Derek: COVID-19 Special
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2020, 10:06:09 PM »
Health Inspector: There's been an outbreak of coronavirus in this nursing home! We need to get everyone tested and quarantined, now!

Derke: But...

(CLOSE UP OF ELDERLY RESIDENT, LOOKING NEAR-DEATH. SADPIANO.mp3 PLAYS)

Elderly Resident: I don't want to go to hospital... (wheeze) I want to stay with Derek. (cough)

(DOUGIE ENTERS)

Dougie: What's going on here?

Derke: Dougie, they want to qua-ran-teen Doris. They's gonna take her away.

Health Inspector: She needs immediate treatment, or-

Dougie: Fuck off. Fuck off. Go on, fuck off out of here and leave us alone, you bastard. Why don't you fuck off? You don't get it, do you? Derek is kind. Take your little "testing kit" and fuck off home.

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS. THAT SEX PEST CHARACTER STARTS MOLESTING DORIS AS SHE WHEEZES HER LAST. DERKE GURNS IN APPROVAL)

Re: Derek: COVID-19 Special
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2020, 10:15:04 PM »
Merchant Navy: *stubbly mumbling*
Hannah: You what?
Merchant Navy: I said I think I’ve got corona virus. I’m going to self-isolate.

(Sad montage of Merchant Navy packing. Piano music abounds. Derek watches and juts his jaw. Kev pulls on his plonker.)

Hannah: I don’t know what I’ll do without him.

Merchant Navy (re-entering not thirty seconds after he left): I don’t have it.

FerriswheelBueller

  • Golden Todger or
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  • Take it easy, but take it.
    • I am antsy for baseball in the off-season.
Re: Derek: COVID-19 Special
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2020, 12:19:49 AM »
It’s times like this I wished I’d watched season 2 of Derek so I could join in. Then I realize what a horrific world that would be.

Edit: actually I can probably work a bit of magic here.

Derke: [sits on a cake]
Old Person #3: that’s hilarious
Kev: kindness is the only magic trick that ever works and I massively care about that for some ill defined reason
Coldplay Music: [happens]
Bald one: this is beneath even me
Old People #4, #5, #9: dead of corona

Gervais (on twitter or to an inexplicably credulous grauniad journalist): yeah it’s about kindness, yeah? And anyone who think it is a load of hastily dashed off dross at best is just not being kind, yeah? Sort of.... corona.
Steve Merchant (next to him in room): [embarrassed silence]

Re: Derek: COVID-19 Special
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2020, 12:22:35 AM »
Kev spunks COVID on the carpet and Derek looks on.

FerriswheelBueller

  • Golden Todger or
  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Take it easy, but take it.
    • I am antsy for baseball in the off-season.
Re: Derek: COVID-19 Special
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2020, 12:29:58 AM »
Kev spunks COVID on the carpet and Derek looks on.

And [other character] makes a face.

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