Robert Pollard's TED Talks

[Gregory Torso]

Professor Robert Pollard: Parallel lines on a slow decline.

Audience: Ah, right, one second, my set square is here...

Professor Robert Pollard: Tractor rape chain.

Audience: Um...

Professor Robert Pollard: Better yet...

Audience (erasing diagram): Right

Professor Robert Pollard: Let's all get wet.

Audience: bit lost here.

Professor Robert Pollard: On the TRACTOR RAPE CHAIN

Audience: Yeah, i'm going now.

[Gregory Torso]

Professor Robert Pollard: I am a scientist.

Audience: Ah that's good.

Professor Robert Pollard: I seek to understand me.

Audience: Right. Philosophy. The self.

Professor Robert Pollard: I am a lost soul, I shoot myself with rock and roll. The hole I dig is bottomless, but nothing else can set me free.

Audience: What was that bit again?

(Professor Robert Pollard stumbles away from the podium slurring "no encore")

[easytarget]

Professor Robert Pollard: Don't interrupt you know the squirrels are my friends.

Audience: I've heard enough.

[Gregory Torso]

(Professor Robert Pollard stands in front a powerpoint title screen that says "THE IMPACT OF PLASTIC POLLUTION UPON DOMESTIC WILDLIFE")

Audience member: I hope this isn't going to be another load of nonsense.

Professor Robert Pollard: Good evening, and thank you all for being here. Now, I woke up one morning, and I saw a rooster strutting by my house -

(He clicks to the first slide which shows a cockerel with a plastic beer ring tightly wrapped around its throat)

Professor Robert Pollard: Six pack rings round his neck. Cock o' the block.

Audience gasps: Oh no, that's terrible. Don't stop now.

(The professor clicks to the next slide, which shows the deceased wrestler Shirley Crabtree)

Professor Robert Pollard: What makes Big Daddy happy? What makes the buzzard buzz?

Audience member: oh no, i knew this would happen.

Professor Robert Pollard: KING SHIT AND THE GOLDEN BOYS.

(Audience file out as Prof. Robert Pollard shakes his fist at the ceiling, screaming "DAMN YOU, TOBIN SPROUT!!!")

[Glebe]

"To help me demonstrate my next point, please welcome on stage my sister Su."