TV Programmes Recorded During Coronavirus Crisis

[ollyboro]

Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away

Stuart McCracken : Can you open the door, please? High Court enforcement.

Bloke : I can't. I'm self-isolating.

Stuart McCracken : Fair enough.

[Alberon]

Dad's Army

Mainwaring: Now pay attention men. Today we'll be learning about Social Distancing.

Private Godfrey: I say, could you speak up a bit, I can't hear you from the other side of the hall. Perhaps I should come over to you.

Mainwaring: (Alarmed) Stay where you are, private.

Private Jones: Don't panic, sir! Don't panic! I'll give that virus some cold British steel. They don't like it up em!

Wilson: If I may have a word, sir. There's a slight problem with this concept. This show is set in World War 2, so the idea we'd be learning about the Coronavirus then doesn't make sense.

Mainwaring: Be quiet, Wilson.

Wilson: There's also the fact that this was recorded in the 1960s or 70s. So apart from not fitting the basic concept of the thread there's also the problem we're all dead by 2020.

Private Pike: I'm not... Am I?

Mainwaring: Stupid boy.

[Replies From View]

*The Archers Theme Tune*

HELLO MR ARCHER

HELLO FRANCIS ARCHER

HELLO JAMES ARCHER

HELLO SUSAN ARCHER

AREN'T WE ALL SOCIAL-DISTANCING?

NOPE

HELLO MRS ARCHER

HELLO GRAHAM ARCHER

HELLO PETER ARCHER

HELLO NIGEL ARCHER

HELLO COUSIN ARCHER

THIS IS THE SAME AS A NORMAL EPISODE

I KNOW; HOW STRANGE THAT WE ARE PAYING NO ATTENTION TO THE SELF-ISOLATING ADVICE

HELLO BRIAN ARCHER

HELLO MADAM ARCHER

HELLO DR ARCHER

HELLO COLIN ARCHER

*The Archers Theme Tune*

[Replies From View]

oh sorry that's not even a TV programme

[ollyboro]

Hunted

Narrator: Due to the Government's lockdown we've had to insist that all the contestants remain in their own homes.

[Replies From View]

Big Brother

Narrator: Due to the Government's lockdown we've had to insist that all the contestants remain in their own homes.

[ollyboro]

Gogglebox

(Giles is off camera, in another room.)

Giles: Nutty, are you sure the government are insisting that we have to be 2 metres apart?

Mary: Oh for goodness sake, Nutty. You keep interrupting.

The camera pulls back to reveal the Malone's rottweiler, lapping away at Mary's cunt like it's a Magnum ice-cream he's found on a pavement.

[GMTV]

Dad's Army

Mainwaring: Now pay attention men. Today we'll be learning about Social Distancing.

Private Godfrey: I say, could you speak up a bit, I can't hear you from the other side of the hall. Perhaps I should come over to you.

Mainwaring: (Alarmed) Stay where you are, private.

Private Jones: Don't panic, sir! Don't panic! I'll give that virus some cold British steel. They don't like it up em!

Wilson: If I may have a word, sir. There's a slight problem with this concept. This show is set in World War 2, so the idea we'd be learning about the Coronavirus then doesn't make sense.

Mainwaring: Be quiet, Wilson.

Wilson: There's also the fact that this was recorded in the 1960s or 70s. So apart from not fitting the basic concept of the thread there's also the problem we're all dead by 2020.

Private Pike: I'm not... Am I?

Mainwaring: Stupid boy.

Brilliant

[ZoyzaSorris]

Enjoyed that too

[DangledTeeth]

Fast Show

Johnny: It's such an inspiring and picturesque view.

Katie: Mhmm.

Johnny: That glimmer of light from behind the trees offers a sense of hope in these troubling times.

Katie: Yes. We must keep our distance if anyone strolls nearby.

Johnny: Quite. You know, I was just thinking. This disease came from China. Many interesting things come from China.

Katie: Yep. Tea is a wonderful import. We could have one when we arrive home.

Johnny: That sounds lovely. They have all sorts of delicacies and cuisines in China we can all enjoy. Like chow mein.

Katie: Stir-fried beef with bl- erm, yellow bean sauce.

Johnny: Yes. I'm rather fond of the noodles. They are particularly scrumptious with a sprinkling of soy sauce. It's quite a dark colour, almost... black. Black! Black! BLACK! BLACK!

Johnny applies impasto onto his canvas

Johnny: What is that, you ask? We must wear a maaaask?!

Johnny kicks the easel over

Johnny: But how can we sleep in a matchbox when we aren't permitted to bathe in stag beetles?

Katie: Johnny!

Johnny stamps on a tube of paint

Johnny: Frivolity and pastimes have been eclipsed by the smelly moon of doooooom!

Katie: Come on, Johnny. We'd better go. There's a policeman over there with a megaphone.

Johnny: The liquid of despair drips from my nostrils and splashes on the mortar frequented by an army of conspiring buttons.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

I'm surprised you knew the woman's name is Katie. I don't think its ever mentioned.

[gib]

Brilliant

yep, perfect