Last wills and testaments

[pancreas]

Please use this thread to list any bequeathals to other members of the forum in case of death from 'rona.

I pancreas, of forum cookdandbombd, being of sound mind and anus, hereby declare this to be my Last Will and Testament.

With the exception of the following, I leave all my worldly possessions to Gecko, for as long as he can bear to live without me ... but, Gecko, if you look in the eaves in the bottom of the box with all the wires in it, I've left you a heroin overdose so you can come and join me when you've had enough. A life without me is not worth living, and no-one will think worse of you for it.

To Shoulders, I leave the Kronenburg that someone reprehensibly brought round to a party once and hasn't been touched for 3 years.

To Barry Admin, I leave my copy of The World Atlas of Wine. May it bring you the joy of wondering about the taste of all of those bottles of wine you will never be able to afford.

To Twed, I leave all my dried fish accoutrements which I have accumulated from trips to Chinese supermarkets. I'm sure if you deep fry them they'll be fine with a glass of decent Crémant.

To Twit 2, I leave my drugs. Please use them as irresponsibly as I would.

To Gregory Torso, I leave my copy of Thomas Hardy's Tess of the Durbervilles. It is truly one of the most turgid and depressing pieces of bollocks I have ever read. I hope it inspires you to write something better.

To Buelligan, I leave 1000 pounds. That should last you a year if you don't spend it all on cat food.

To Angrew Lloyg Wegger, I leave my Cancer Wurlitzer. I assume you'll have to move house to accommodate it, so please start to make arrangements.

To poo, I leave my rolling pin. I assume you'll know what to do.

If I think of any more, I'll add them.

[BlodwynPig]

When are you dying? Asking for a friend.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

To establish possession of a sound anus, I imagine the anus in question will need a thorough sounding. Have such audits been undertaken?

[Barry Admin]

To Barry Admin, I leave my copy of The World Atlas of Wine. May it bring you the joy of wondering about the taste of all of those bottles of wine you will never be able to afford.

I appreciate the thought but I don't drink, so such a book would be wasted on me.

[Dewt]

To Twed, I leave all my dried fish accoutrements which I have accumulated from trips to Chinese supermarkets. I'm sure if you deep fry them they'll be fine with a glass of decent Crémant.

This is beautiful, I feel genuinely understood

[weekender]

I appreciate the thought but I don't drink, so such a book would be wasted on me.

Could you not read about a world of wonder?

[weekender]

Got some out of date yoghurts in the fridge, Shoulders can have them.

[weekender]

The human corpses in my freezer I donate to Buelligan.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Got some out of date yoghurts in the fridge, Shoulders can have them.

Cheers. Collect or will you send them?

[weekender]

Haven't got much else.

[imitationleather]

Can I have your toilet paper?

[weekender]

Cheers. Collect or will you send them?

Collect, because then you have to make the arrangements.

[weekender]

Can I have your toilet paper?

After I've died?

Sure.

Just remember that I need a fair bit of it during the dying process.

You can have what's left.

[imitationleather]

Ah nice one.

Now. I'm not saying I would like you to die as soon as possible, but I am running a bit low of loo roll...

[bgmnts]

To Paulie Walnuts, I leave my anthrax.

[weekender]

Ah nice one.

Now. I'm not saying I would like you to die as soon as possible, but I am running a bit low of loo roll...

If the reverse happens and you die first, what can I get off you?

I'm thinking maybe pets, wives, something like that.

[pancreas]

Can I have your toilet paper?

It's nothing special. Recycled shit from Waitrose ... but sure.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Just chuck me in a skip yeah, cheers.

[pancreas]

To Paulie Walnuts, I leave my anthrax.

That's interesting. I was going to leave him Das Kapital.

[pancreas]

Just chuck me in a skip yeah, cheers.

Sorry, you haven't got the point of this. You have to leave something to other people, ideally not just a chore.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Sorry, you haven't got the point of this. You have to leave something to other people, ideally not just a chore.

I want to die how I lived.

[pancreas]

I want to die how I lived.

Please start another thread: Funeral Arrangements: Corpse Disposal and Song Choices.

[Sebastian Cobb]

There's already Throbbing Gristle thread in Oscillations.

[pancreas]

ok. Corpse Disposal and Nice Canapé Choices

[ZoyzaSorris]

If anyone wants any bog paper drenched and dripping with vibrant scarlet blood then speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Sebastian Cobb]

ok. Corpse Disposal and Nice Canapé Choices

I want Pancreas to have my Bluray of Delicatessen.

[pancreas]

I want Pancreas to have my Bluray of Delicatessen.

thanks. Now what does Buelligan get?

[bgmnts]

I want all 28 of Blodwyn's football teams.

[Gregory Torso]

To Gregory Torso, I leave my copy of Thomas Hardy's Tess of the Durbervilles. It is truly one of the most turgid and depressing pieces of bollocks I have ever read. I hope it inspires you to write something better.

What a thoughtful gesture. If I peg it I bequeath to you my as-yet-unpublished erotic He-Man fan fic manuscripts.

[Ferris]

I will absolutely be challenging this travesty of a will in every court in the land. Probably focusing on the "sound mind and body" clause, but ideally anything that gets old ferris a little something.