From the mildly poisonous pen letter archive. 1978 - 1982

[Spoon of Ploff]

"Ever wondered why the couple at No 14 Elms Road need all those phones?"

"Ask Bob Treestumps what happened to all the badgers out at Furse Hill."

"I see the bin men struggling more than usual with whatever it is the Greens from Upton street put in there."

"Dan, Just be careful where you break wind in future. Other things can break as well if you know what I mean."

"Just watch it. That's all I'm going to say... for now."

"The landlord at the Gatehouse has been making disparaging remarks about the Princess Royal again. The proper authorities have been notified. His choice of lager beers is a bit limited as well."

"I saw what you did Carole! I took pictures, and I'll be off to Boots tomorrow."

[Phoenix Lazarus]

'You know that lad from no. 37, the one with the bushy perm, stonewashed denim jacket and short-sleeved Simon shirt, who rides the Chopper and carries the Adidas sports bag. Watch out for him.  He offered two girls skipping in the street a Spangle.'

[Spoon of Ploff]

"Does the Ainsley's dog look well to you?"

"Margot's been buying a lot of second class stamps again, but I've never seen her post a single letter."

"Continue to eat pasties on the 47 Bus to Chipping Camden and you may find your roses in a bit of a state when you get home."

"Bill the chippy's been whispering again."

[Spoon of Ploff]

"Clive Basshaven's video collection contains a lot of tapes without any labels on them. Make of that what you will."

"Those aren't regulation crown green bowling shoes Simon. Everyone knows it."

"Orange flavoured SodaStream. I'll say no more... for now."

"What was in the biscuit tin that the Green's youngest daughter buried in their back garden last week? And why does their neighbour Brian look so scared all the time?"

"There's such a thing as too much lettuce Mrs Croats... I know where I can lay my hands on a hell of a lot of slugs"

"There never used to be this many Adverse Cambers before your lot showed up. Why don't you push off back to Baswich?"