Captain Tom Moore

[BlodwynPig]

"It was the best of times, it still is the best of times thanks to your DOSH to support the biggest scam since that mistrial in Mandalay got me off those child murder charges"

[Butchers Blind]

I arrived (at the Indian colonial house) at 7pm and was greeted at the door by what I can only describe as a 13 year old apparition! He was simply stunning."

[idunnosomename]

does anyone believe this shit really

The office manager was a pretty young lady by the name of Pamela Paull, who was terribly nice to me. I was very attracted to her and felt we made an instant connection, but I couldn't do anything about that because I was married. I wasn't prepared to break my marriage vows, even if I didn't really have a proper marriage to break.

judging by the mail comments, no

[Hand Solo]

[Cursus]

There's more:

Now, in the second part of our exclusive serialisation of centenarian Captain Tom Moore's memoirs, he describes how he rose through the Army ranks with his trusty motorcycle to play a vital role in the brutal war against the Japanese in India and Burma.

But however dangerous his mission, he never lost his eye for the ladies...

[Hand Solo]

Admittedly nobody chased or shot at him, looks like the only 'action' he saw during the War was `giving one' to the natives:

It was a glorious summer's day and I remember my Granny Fanny

Steady on.

Given some Indian currency, we were put on a train to Poona

He's a bit fucking candid, innee?

The test involved a long road trip across country, so I devised the brilliant idea of taking them the 120 miles to Bombay and back, driving there in the daylight, staying overnight and returning the following day. If they made it there and back, they passed.

I must confess to having an ulterior motive for my repeated trips to Bombay. Her name was Sylvia. She was half-Indian, half-French and the pretty younger sister of the girlfriend of a pal of mine. After I met Sylvia, I knew I had to get back to her arms as often as I could. She was delightful, so lovely that I started rushing the men through their training just so I could get to her every weekend.

So wasting their time travelling 120 miles as a cover so you can get your end away, and rushing men through training, sending them into battle unprepared cos you couldn't wait to fuck off for a quick one?

My battalion was sent to Calcutta, where I went down with a bad fever. I don't remember too much about it, but I know I spent several days in a hotel bed with a blazing temperature, a nasty headache and nobody to tend to me.

Probably picked up a dose of the clap from the Black Hole of Calcutta.

On my first night, sitting in the hotel bar, I met a pretty Anglo-Indian lady who reminded me of the lovely Sylvia.

Her husband, she told me, was a prisoner of the Japanese and she'd gone to Kashmir to wait for news of him. We started chatting and became friendly. I hadn't expected to find romance in the mountains, but there it was

Now he's shagging a married woman whose husband is a POW, what a fucking cunt.

I don't recall ever being shot at or chased, but I was well aware that the enemy was always just out of sight through the trees, so I didn't hang around anywhere long enough to find out. Granny Fanny must have been watching over me still.

Never in an actual skirmish, just rode around on his bike fucking anything he could get hold of, with Granny Fanny watching his back.

ARE HEREO CPTAIN TOM

[BlodwynPig]

A man in the Boris mould. This is Britain isn't it.

Tom Moore -> Robin Askwith -> Fred West -> Boris Johnson

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Adulterous clap vector and sub-par Captain reveals all

The glum conquests
The botched training exercises
The low level fabrications
The episodes of dysentery

[BlodwynPig]

He really is a horrible little cunt, isn't he.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Pubes Moore

[Hand Solo]

There's probably a good 8% of the current Indian population that are now direct descendants of Captain Tom, what with all the ravishing he did. Genghis Khan didn't travel by fucking motorbike, did he?

[Butchers Blind]

Sexual fantasies of a dying mind.

[Hand Solo]

Found the VHS Captain Tom gives to all his grandkids:

[idunnosomename]

Genuinely hope this cunty little book backfires on them

[ajsmith2]

She intended to be an assistant to a doctor who

Fair enough, Billie made good on that resolution. And if you ask me, Cpt TM was a fool to let her slip through his fingers back then, sexual compatibilty issues or not. Aged well too.

[idunnosomename]

Cant believe i missed that

"Why do you want to become a sex doctor assistant when you wont have sex with me?"

BECAUSE WE WANT TO

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

Matters came to a head when I arrived home one February to hear her declare: 'I'm moving in with my psychiatrist. I want to have sex with him. He says that this is what I need to do.'

I was shattered by the shock and audacity of it. I had been such a loyal husband and so very patient. It felt like the worst kind of betrayal. I decided there and then that enough was enough. Our so-called marriage was over.

I packed a suitcase with a few belongings and walked out, leaving her and everything behind me.

Within days, Billie realised her mistake. Desperate, she wrote and left messages, before coming to look for me. But my mind was made up. I never saw or heard from Billie again, except through our lawyers.

Sounds like some very serious manipulation and abuse from the psychiatrist, especially considering Mr. Moore said he was concerned for mental health. Heroic work walking out on her when she came to him for help.

[frajer]

Heroic work walking out on her when she came to him for help.

He actually walked out on her 100 times and raised a lot of money, which he then used to pump his way round India.

[idunnosomename]

I mean this story has been festering in his decrepit brain for like 70 years and also goes through the filter of him mumbling it to a ghost writer who makes it presentable, but it's almost more bonkers than anything come up with in this thread so far

[BlodwynPig]

Looking forward to the Blankety Blank years part

I spied a lovely young filly on the bottom row. Blonde curls tumbling down to her shoulders, eyes beaming at me from behind very modish spectacles, "very like my own" I thought. As Wogan, wrapped in festive scarf, asked me the first inane question I felt a bulge in my pants, something I hadn't felt for since visiting Mablethorpe's School for Unhomed Coloureds. And I knew that tonight I would have her, the young filly, Su Pollard.

[Chairman Yang]

He actually walked out on her 100 times and raised a lot of money, which he then used to pump his way round India.

For posterity, and amazingly, this is the best reply in the whole depraved thread.

[frajer]

For posterity, and amazingly, this is the best reply in the whole depraved thread.

Just happy to play a part in this monster's downfall.

[Ferris]

She was determined to do it, however, and I was so busy working and driving all over the country that I didn't have the time, or the energy, to argue.

Pure partridge.

[idunnosomename]

Needless to say, I had the last laugh... because everyone else is dead!

[Hand Solo]

Going back to the first installment..

Perhaps it's not so surprising that, when friends introduced me to an attractive young lady not long after that, I was smitten straight away. Everyone called her 'Billie' — it wasn't her real name, but her parents had wanted a boy.

They're not the only one..

Once we started to get serious, I had been invited to meet Billie's grandfather who was a prominent Freemason.

Ah, I see why he married her now, she was from a well-to-do family and he thought it was his shortcut into social climbing and money, no wonder he obsesses about details like a relative being a prominent Freemason. Just like him trying to get in with the officers and away from any danger as soon as he got to the barracks, lending his motorbike out to them so they could go fuck some wench, LEGEND TOM.

I was appalled to discover that he had a black manservant who lived in a shabby outhouse. I never saw this chap in person, but the mere thought that I was under the roof of someone who was continuing the ethos of the old slave trade which had been abolished more than 100 years earlier bothered me enormously. I never went again.

He never even met this manservant yet decides he's some kind of throwback slave just because of his colour? The whole story sounds more like Billie's family saw right through him and gave Tom short shrift so he has to come up with lame excuses as to why *he* ditched them, actually.

As a distraction, I threw myself into my work, and joined charitable business associations such as the Round Table and the Lions.

More completely unsubtle Freemasonically tied men's clubs where he could go networking, drinking and cavorting under the guise of being into charidee.

I was a member of the Young Conservatives before our marriage. But Billie wasn't interested in any of it, nor in the regimental reunions which I organised, though most fellows came with their wives.

The idea of an evening of small talk with strangers was terrifying to her, she said.

What a BITCH.

I was prepared to do anything and never had time for anyone who said that manual labour was beneath them. The next few years saw me working as a quarryman, a builder's mate and even selling books for WomanBoy's Own door-to-door.

The `tache does give him quite the Pat Mustard vibe, doesn't it?

This had already manifested itself in different ways to do with cleanliness and other things but, in Northenden, it became a fear of fire. We had to go around the house together every night checking that every electric switch was off before she'd consider going to bed.

In contrast I bet Tom was coming home late hammered and trying to cook something before passing out.

I instructed a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. When I told him everything that had happened between us, he informed me that I could seek an annulment on the grounds that Billie and I had never consummated our marriage. This seemed like the simplest and fastest option, so I agreed.

I was adamant that Pamela and I should be married before the baby arrived. With the annulment of my marriage taking far longer than I'd hoped because of Billie's resistance, I agreed to admit adultery and be the guilty party in the eyes of the law.

My lawyer told me that this would be achieved by the tried and tested practice of sending us to spend the night together in a hotel, so that our names on the register would confirm our night of mortal sin to her lawyers.

This whole bit sounds like bullshit? He had a legal way out of the marriage yet chooses to let her lawyers assert he's an adulterer through a Hotel guestbook? What?

[idunnosomename]

she sounds like a good comrade. clap for Billie

[Hand Solo]

clap for Billie

Prob why she avoided going near Tom's diseased dick.

[idunnosomename]

think of all the dirty stuff he got from his randy asian escapades

[Hand Solo]

think of all the dirty stuff he got from his randy asian escapades

"In Burma my motorbike skills became so renowned I convinced the authorities it would be worthwhile to start a youth group teaching some of the young local boys how to maneuver a man's apparatus to a high standard. The one-to-one personal training techniques I developed became a great success and it gave me enormous pleasure to watch one of them heartily riding it every day."

[Cursus]

A third, and final, extract:

'I can't believe all that fuss was for me, and only because I went for a little stroll': In our last extract from his captivating memoir, CAPTAIN TOM MOORE reveals how a family joke to get him back on his feet and turned into a £32m NHS fundraiser