Captain Tom Moore

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Mandalay Hard Wanking Crew

[Hand Solo]

In a typically affectionate way, my family began to tease me. 'Keep going, shithead,' Benjie, 16, called as he flipped the burgers.

Georgia, 11, laid the table and Hannah said casually, 'Let's see how many you can manage you old bastard.'

Her husband Colin added: 'We'll give you £1 per lap, so see if you can do 100 before you pop your cunty old clogs.'

I thought they were joking because I hadn't walked that far since I came out of hospital 18 months earlier, but as I kept walking, step after step, I began to think about what they'd said.

Once I'd finished the first lap that Sunday and earned myself £1, I turned my walker carefully and attempted lap number two. 'That's it,' Hannah encouraged, laughing. 'Make us some money before we murder you!'

Hannah set up a fundraising page for me with a £1,000 target and contacted the local media to help drum up support for what they called my 'Walk with Tom', leaving me to do the rest.

None of us could have imagined in a million years that Hannah's press release would set an unstoppable ball rolling.

Nothing about Hannah and her husband's business and media connections, eh?

One thing that was clear to us all was that I was not able to do interviews alone. Because of my hearing difficulties and the distance reporters had to keep from me, I needed a member of my family to sit alongside and 'translate' each question.

My daughter Lucy and her family, self-isolating 90 miles away near Reading, were powerless to help and could only offer encouragement from afar.

It would have to be Hannah.

The money just kept rolling in.

I bet it fucking did with Hannah and her husband working the entire thing and it's so interesting how he defends Hannah's elbow-in-ribs use of him as a Rod Hull & Emu charidee act.

I couldn't believe it. Nor could I believe that I was going to be interviewed by my favourite TV presenter Naga Munchetty on BBC Breakfast.

I BET YOU COULDN'T YOU DIRTY OLD BOLLOCKS. I BET YOU FUCKING COULDN'T.

Later that day Hannah told me: 'You're not going to believe this, but you have five thousand followers already!'

I frowned. 'What are they following?' 'You, you stupid old cunt!' she replied, laughing.

'Why on earth would anyone follow me? And where are they?'

'Don't worry,' Hannah replied, 'they're not outside the gate. At least, not yet. But they will be with torches and pitchforks once they find out all the money we've personally creamed off of this but you'll take all the heat you simpleton.'

[idunnosomename]

When I was a lad, I remember Boris Johnson being made fun of by Paul Merton. Who would think 100 years later, he would ring me in congratulations!

President Paul Merton.

[idunnosomename]

Tom up to his old tricks again

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-54104192

[Butchers Blind]

Tom up to his old tricks again

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-54104192

Can't help himself, can he?  He's as bad as those fame hungry whores on E4 and ITV2.  What's next, 'accidental' nip-slips and up-trouser pics?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Tom up to his old tricks again

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-54104192

'Ooh, you're tall'
'Ooh, you're tall'
'Ooh, you're tall' Fuck off prick

[El Unicornio, mang]

https://metro.co.uk/2020/09/09/piers-morgan-reveals-sir-tom-moore-ordered-six-blondes-in-dressing-room-rider-in-life-stories-sneak-peek-13243087/

'A bottle of coke, a Dairy Milk chocolate bar,' he read out, before laughing: 'And six blondes!' Sir Tom chuckled: 'That's it. The number six is variable of course.'

[Quote]

"You haven't got any malnourished children tucked away anywhere have you? Fine, send the blondes..."

[imitationleather]

It weirds me out a bit that he was pushing fifty when Woodstock happened.

[Quote]

He stank the stage out that day.

[idunnosomename]

I thought this was a picture of the six blondes Piers fetched him at first



Maybe it was. Wouldn't put it past Colonel Tom molesting his granddaughter

[Butchers Blind]

coke, a Dairy Milk chocolate bar,' he read out, before laughing: 'And six blondes!'

we're probably going to need tissues to hand

he was absolutely on it the whole time

[El Unicornio, mang]

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

[idunnosomename]

i dont know whether to laugh or cry

[flotemysost]

I actually had a work video conference earlier in the year featuring the man himself.

If only I'd known (going by the excerpts on the last page) that he had such a valiant hard-on for semi-ethnic ladies, I could've switched on my webcam and been right in there, phwoaarr.

(It was actually a pre-recorded video of him wedged into a presentation[nb]That's all he was wedged into, as far as I could see[/nb], but still.)

[BlodwynPig]

John Lewis have just signed him up for their Christmas advert this year.

The Christmas Tom Moore Speech will replace the Queen's Speech this year.

Sir Captain Tom Moore will feature exclusively on Jools Holland's New Year's Eve show. Just him and Michael Ball all night.

Tom Moore Day has been announced - 25th December.

[notjosh]

Frankly, at this point, I'd rather see Captain Tom LESS!!!


Sorry guys, that was mean spirited. I feel I've lowered the tone of the whole thread.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Frankly, at this point, I'd rather see Captain Tom LESS!!!

Bit much mate. Have some respect.

[Butchers Blind]

Frankly, at this point, I'd rather see Captain Tom LESS!!!

Disgusting!  Please remember his first wife wouldn't have intercourse with him.

[Rizla]

That first wife of his was a lesbian wasn't she. Psychology bloke was a Ginger. What a daft cunt captain Tom was.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Disgusting!  Please remember his first wife wouldn't have intercourse with him.

Couldn't tunnel through her leathery hymen apparently.

[Butchers Blind]

Couldn't tunnel through her leathery hymen apparently.

Probably more used to the forgiving, supple flesh of an underage Indian buttock.

[BlodwynPig]

Anyone watching the hagiography with Piers Morgan?

I'm not but I did catch him threatening to "do" Joan Collins.

[Quote]

Caught the bit where he fell on his arse in the kitchen and did his hip.

[BlodwynPig]

Caught the bit where he fell on his arse in the kitchen and did his hip.

Yeh, and Piers gave him a young Bengali boy as compensation "for when you've properly healed". Fucking disgusting toadying.

[flotemysost]

John Lewis have just signed him up for their Christmas advert this year.

The Christmas Tom Moore Speech will replace the Queen's Speech this year.

Sir Captain Tom Moore will feature exclusively on Jools Holland's New Year's Eve show. Just him and Michael Ball all night.

Tom Moore Day has been announced - 25th December.

The Royal Institution Christmas Lecture this year will be Sir Tom selecting kids from the audience to volunteer in an experiment, his milky eyes scanning the crowd for some ripe dusky talent. We never see the experiment.

Corrie Christmas special: Are Tom does 100 laps of the Rover's Return, to the bar and back, vomming down his lapels and medals as the credits roll.

[idunnosomename]

[flotemysost]

Someone please magic that Rottweiler onto the angry-looking bust in the background

[Butchers Blind]

Good to see Magnus Pyke getting the recognition he deserves.