Embarrassing statements from the game review site I had in 2002

[Jerzy Bondov]

I've just been having a look at the game review site I had in 2002 via the Wayback Machine. Fucking hell lads. It is shite. If you think I come out with some bollocks on here you should have a look at this. I was fifteen and I really liked PC Gamer. I liked John Walker, and I loved those appalling extended metaphor reviews they would do. This is the sort of absolute dog cum I would come out with:

On the opening cutscene to Resident Evil: Code Veronica:
"It's better than any movie you'll ever see."

On Sonic Adventure 2:
"Buy it, cherish it and love it. Sonic is here to stay."

On Super Mario Sunshine, despite having never played any of these other games:
"This game has consistency, something the beloved Metal Gear Solid 2, Deus Ex and Halo don't even have."

On Shigeru Miyamoto:
"That guy has one active imagination."

On the Tomb Raider series:
"Mediocre at best."

On retro gaming:
"I would like to suggest that you somehow go and play on a NES or a MasterSystem. With their ancient graphics and basic pads, they can really show you just how far gaming has come in such a short space of time."

On reviewing Half-Life four years after it came out:
"So, now to the score. If today was four years ago, than I would give it 96%, or maybe 97%. But we live in the 21st Century now. The graphics are now ropey and the ending is more dire than ever. So now it gets: 94%"

On the release of LucasArts' final adventure game, Escape from Monkey Island:
"They have been supplying us with a steady stream of fantastic and good adventure games for years. And they are showing no signs of stopping."

On the difficulty curve of Jet Set Radio:
"It's like taking a baby to the park in a pram full of toys and then getting on your bike and leaving the baby in a sex shop."
(???? Don't understand this at all)

Other transgressions:

• Repeatedly used the phrase 'a stroke of genius', sometimes in the same review.
• Repeatedly used the phrase 'damned good fun', sometimes in the same review.
• Listed and described all the levels in Sonic 2 but forgot Oil Ocean Zone.
• Embedded a MIDI of the end credit music from Sonic 2 into the Sonic 2 review.
• Gave a personal guarantee that I always finished games before reviewing them, despite finishing at most maybe one of the games I ever wrote about.
• Frequently referred to 'punters'
• Called screenshots 'screenies'
• Went on and on about Giants Citizen Kabuto and Sacrifice, because that's what PC Gamer did

Early 00s game journalism was shit. A teenager copying it was even shitter. Not sure what I want out of this thread to be honest. Just a bit of a purge.

[popcorn]

Really enjoyed these. You were right about Tomb Raider though.

I had a few reviews "published" on some crap site as a teenager and the only thing I can remember about them is that I described something as a "flawed diamond" which I thought was really brilliant, made me seem like a real writer.

[popcorn]

Oh yes, I also did a Jet Set Radio review, and the only thing I remember about that is that I concluded with something like "it's great - but don't expect Tony."

It's funny how this sort of thing sticks in your mind, as if there's some burgeoning part of you that knows it's awful but can't make itself heard yet.

[Lemming]

"Sonic is here to stay" hits like a punch to the stomach.

[Thursday]

He is here to stay though, clearly.

[bgmnts]

I wanted to be a video game reviewer as a kid during that time but was laughed at and told it was a waste of time.

Knowing that the video game industry exploded I quite regret that but at least don't have to be embarrassed by my 20 year old writing.

[Blinder Data]

On reviewing Half-Life four years after it came out:
"So, now to the score. If today was four years ago, than I would give it 96%, or maybe 97%. But we live in the 21st Century now. The graphics are now ropey and the ending is more dire than ever. So now it gets: 94%"

I was not prepared for the shocking twist at the end of this paragraph.

[Consignia]

It's brilliant, it's like a line from an officially licensed mag, where they want to be critical of a first party game but can't because of editorial guidelines.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I thought the Half Life comment comes across quite knowing rather than earnest. Is this not the case?

[Bazooka]

Embedded a MIDI of the end credit music from Sonic 2 into the Sonic 2 review.

Was it City Escape?

[Inspector Norse]

I thought the Half Life comment comes across quite knowing rather than earnest. Is this not the case?

Read as knowing, I'd rate it 96% or even 97%.
But if we take its earnestness at face value: 93%

[machotrouts]

Love these, thank you for purging. Wincing in recognition knowing this is exactly how I'd have written about games when I was 15 too. I'm a huge fan of bad videogame journalist clichés. "Mediocre at best." "___ is here to stay." "showing no signs of stopping". Graphics always being "ropey".

"Screenies" is a very 2002 word, isn't it? I think I'm slightly too young ever to have used it.

Also what is it with 15-year-old boys and sex shops. I was always on about them too. Did we all imagine sex shops would be a bigger part of adulthood than they turned out to be?

[Kelvin]

By taking the piss out of these bizarre opinions, you are all taking the piss out of Madhair's current opinions.

[Zetetic]

Genuinely impressed by the thread and confrontation of your past self, Jerzy. I could not do it.

[Jerzy Bondov]

I thought the Half Life comment comes across quite knowing rather than earnest. Is this not the case?

I think it's earnest. I took the percentage scores extremely seriously. You can put jokes in the text but when it comes to the score it's time to get serious.

[Jerzy Bondov]

Genuinely impressed by the thread and confrontation of your past self, Jerzy. I could not do it.

To be fair I only picked out a few bits that I thought were funny out of context. It would be genuinely painful to post entire reviews. Or anything from the 'Humour' section of the site. Fucking hell.

Also what is it with 15-year-old boys and sex shops. I was always on about them too. Did we all imagine sex shops would be a bigger part of adulthood than they turned out to be?

What would actually happen if you left a baby in a sex shop? Probably the same thing that would happen if you left a baby in any other shop - they'd find out who the baby belonged to and return the baby.

By taking the piss out of these bizarre opinions, you are all taking the piss out of Madhair's current opinions.

Laughed at this unfair and cruel comment.

I just went and looked at the Humour section again. Here's a 'funny' Charlie Brooker style sentence I wrote and thought people would want to see: "I would rather play naked blind man's bluff with a vicious and deeply enraged cougar on the M1 whilst juggling chainsaws with one hand and standing on top of a moving motorbike on one foot that is being swiped at by a cross man with an axe and a mental condition than play this uninspiring, boring, dire, monotonous mess of a poor attempt at being absolutely execrable."

[popcorn]

I just went and looked at the Humour section again. Here's a 'funny' Charlie Brooker style sentence I wrote and thought people would want to see: "I would rather play naked blind man's bluff with a vicious and deeply enraged cougar on the M1 whilst juggling chainsaws with one hand and standing on top of a moving motorbike on one foot that is being swiped at by a cross man with an axe and a mental condition than play this uninspiring, boring, dire, monotonous mess of a poor attempt at being absolutely execrable."

That guy has one active imagination!

[Blinder Data]

Yes! Brookeresque tortured metaphor using violent imagery! Full house!

This sort of stuff was de rigueur (as was using phrases like de rigueur) in all my favourite videogame mags at the time: CVG, N64, NGC. Lots of games that are "worse than your parents dying in a car crash", etc. Men are unimaginative trash.

[Thursday]

It's worrying to think about the influence the writers of games magazines in the late 90's/early 00's would have had on me at a crucial developmental age.

[Mango Chimes]

I'd just like to add to the round of applause for that 94% quote.

[Dewt]

Lovely stuff.

[Jerzy Bondov]

Word cloud made from games mags in the late 90s/early 00s:

[Inspector Norse]

Yes! Brookeresque tortured metaphor using violent imagery! Full house!

This sort of stuff was de rigueur (as was using phrases like de rigueur) in all my favourite videogame mags at the time: CVG, N64, NGC. Lots of games that are "worse than your parents dying in a car crash", etc. Men are unimaginative trash.

Bit like the music journalist's go-to descriptions of "cathedrals of sound" or "like X meets Y on acid".

[popcorn]

I think loads of shit YouTube review people still do it, especially British ones. I've been complaining about it here for ages but they won't listen to me.

"a poor attempt at being absolutely execrable" is fascinating.

[Lemming]

Word cloud made from games mags in the late 90s/early 00s:

Daikatana is genuinely worse than being raped by a Hitler chimp. Execrably dire. I'd rather be utterly chainsawed by my mental nan while contracting genital herpes than play it.

The scary thing is how PC Gamer et al used to have me laughing to the point of actual pissing.

I think loads of shit YouTube review people still do it, especially British ones. I've been complaining about it here for ages but they won't listen to me.

Not to single one person out, even though that's exactly what I'm doing, but that Jim Sterling guy is so bad for this. Goes all the way and combines the "imaginative" rants with the fake-angry voice where you get gradually higher pitched and shoutier over the course of the sentence. Execrable. Dire.

[Kelvin]

Laughed at this unfair and cruel comment.

It was meant to be good natured ribbing, not cruel!

I love you, Madhair!

[Jerzy Bondov]

We all love that crazy guy.

I suppose it's easy to look back at this stuff and go haha shite but honestly is game writing much better now? More inclusive certainly but better? Yes.

[Lemming]

It seems to mirror movie criticism in a lot of ways now, ie boring. The "i'd rather have a geriatric granny take a diarrhea shit in my nose while shoving a porcupine up my dick, who is also Hitler" style might have been unreadable but it had CHARACTER.

[Consignia]

I agree, in a similar respect stand up comedy is too boring these days. We need a return to the Jim Davidson's and Bernard Manning's.

[Lemming]

If only Bernard Manning's worst offence was laboured metaphors about how Superman 64 is like being humped by a gorilla while Hitler smacks you with a dildo etc.