Author Topic: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite  (Read 2072 times)

Clownbaby

  • Toe to tip, this is a Bart
"We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« on: May 18, 2020, 12:03:41 PM »
Kind of had to unmute the work group chat last week in case there's any updates on what's happening with the place reopening, and instantly remembered why I muted the twat

48 people I only speak to at work cause I have to, one by one wishing someone happy birthday every time there's a birthday

"Happy birthday Rachel!"
"happy birthday rachel"
"Happy birthday!!!"
"Happy birthday have a wonderful day Rachel xxx"
"Happy birthday!!!"
"Happy birthday have a wonderful day Rachel xxx"
"Have a happy birthday rachel"
"Have a good day Rachel x"
"Happy birthday Rachel!"
"happy birthday rachel"
"Happy birthday!!!"
"Happy birthday have a wonderful day Rachel xxx"
"Have a happy birthday rachel"
"Have a good day Rachel x"
"Happy birthday!! :D have a lovely day!"
"Happy birthday @rachel"
"Happy birthday Rachel!"
"Have a lovely birthday Rachel! "
"Happy birthday"
"Have a wonderful day happy birthday"
"Happy birthday Rachel!"
"Happy birthday acje"
"*Rachel sorry lol"
"Oh my god Brenda what are you like haha"
"Lol Brenda"
"☝😂😂😂😂"
"Hahaha"
"Have a happy birthday rachel xxxx"
(It's Helen's birthday today but there shouldn't be so many this time round cause a lot of people don't like her so much)

I know I should be glad that my colleagues are alright and thoughtful enough to wish eachother happy birthday and just generally be nice (to Helen, not so much) but my god I see that message notification, think "oh who's this from" and it's just "lol!!!!!!" number 40 for Wendy's f i r e wine o'clock meme she posted yesterday






Captain Crunch

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Fr.Bigley

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Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2020, 12:54:20 PM »
It's not nice it's just used as some ardent compassion tool that sticks in the mind of middle management when the next internal position becomes availible. A bit smart on all 48 colleagues parts. Cunts they are, absolute cunts.

Uncle TechTip

  • You won, get over it
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2020, 12:58:20 PM »
I'm always torn, half of me wishes i had the same camaraderie with my colleagues that the rest of them seem to do, but then the other half reminds me that the interactions go no deeper than that perfect example you presented. What are you like Brenda, you awful cunt.

Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2020, 01:00:32 PM »
Ugh I feel awful now I'd forgotten it was Rachel's birthday, Brenda was meant to remind me.

Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2020, 01:05:44 PM »
I worked at one place where HR put people's birthdays at the bottom of the daily newsletter.


Fr.Bigley

  • Shall I boil this kettle dry?
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2020, 01:09:03 PM »
I worked at one place where HR put people's birthdays at the bottom of the daily newsletter.

I worked at a place where HR would make all personal problems public on the monthly bulletin. It worked and no one ever shirked or complained, one lad came in with an arm missing and ended up performing so well, the boss got another Aston Martin.

Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2020, 01:09:32 PM »
I'm always torn, half of me wishes i had the same camaraderie with my colleagues that the rest of them seem to do, but then the other half reminds me that the interactions go no deeper than that perfect example you presented. What are you like Brenda, you awful cunt.

This b2b someone you genuinely like leaving and the two of you never really make the effort to stay in touch.

Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2020, 01:10:26 PM »

I worked at a place where HR would make all personal problems public on the monthly bulletin. It worked and no one ever shirked or complained, one lad came in with an arm missing and ended up performing so well, the boss got another Aston Martin.

I'm not making this up. It was pretty shit and I don't know why they did it. Just laboured attention you didn't want.

Fr.Bigley

  • Shall I boil this kettle dry?
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2020, 01:11:56 PM »
I'm not making this up. It was pretty shit and I don't know why they did it. Just laboured attention you didn't want.

Oh I know, I'm just aghast at why any company would do that.

Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2020, 01:50:09 PM »
Myself, I exploit it. My workplace has a centralised cake policy, all cakes are available to the masses, and I am a net beneficiary in this. I have not brought a cake into a workplace for just over 2 years, but have had reliable workplace cake several times a week throughout that time. To cake providers, an uneaten cake is an assault on their character whilst an eaten cake is a an act of acceptance, or even reverance, we reach symbiosis, and fulfillment. I feel needed, and that is the true reason I eat all their cakes.


Fr.Bigley

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Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #11 on: May 18, 2020, 02:04:05 PM »
Myself, I exploit it. My workplace has a centralised cake policy, all cakes are available to the masses, and I am a net beneficiary in this. I have not brought a cake into a workplace for just over 2 years, but have had reliable workplace cake several times a week throughout that time. To cake providers, an uneaten cake is an assault on their character whilst an eaten cake is a an act of acceptance, or even reverance, we reach symbiosis, and fulfillment. I feel needed, and that is the true reason I eat all their cakes.

Better not have been fucking dry, if so get on that cunting cake thread.

Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #12 on: May 18, 2020, 02:08:34 PM »
In my last two jobs one of the first things I done was ask HR to remove my birthday from the public feed thing.


Elderly Sumo Prophecy

  • In France we call it le bellend
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #13 on: May 18, 2020, 03:22:27 PM »
So did Rachel have a nice birthday then?

Clownbaby

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Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #14 on: May 18, 2020, 04:50:38 PM »
So did Rachel have a nice birthday then?

She did

shiftwork2

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Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #15 on: May 18, 2020, 04:50:51 PM »
Wicker Man for Brenda please.

WHAT is she like.

Twit 2

  • “As sound as an apple.”
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #16 on: May 18, 2020, 04:58:18 PM »
As much as I tolerate the bonhomie of my small work place’s WhatsApp group, I can’t say I wouldn’t enjoy it if the hem of their slacks were snagged in a passing convoy of steamrollers, and they were all pulverised into a bisque of red and black lay-by tarmac, so that I didn’t have to read another fucking word of it.

Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #17 on: May 18, 2020, 05:37:45 PM »
Wish Rachel a happy birthday from me.

weekender

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Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #18 on: May 18, 2020, 07:20:04 PM »
My favourite of this was with an Indian colleague, who I challenged a few years back.

"I am sad because Manchester United lost to Barcelona last night".

"Oh really?  What was the score?  I didn't watch it and I didn't realise you were a fan of either club.  Why does the result make you sad?"

"My script doesn't cover this"

"Right.  So how's the weather over there in India.  Warm?"

weekender

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Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #19 on: May 18, 2020, 07:21:07 PM »

I worked at a place where HR would make all personal problems public on the monthly bulletin. It worked and no one ever shirked or complained, one lad came in with an arm missing and ended up performing so well, the boss got another Aston Martin.

Laughed at this.

Mr_Simnock

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Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #20 on: May 18, 2020, 07:48:42 PM »

I worked at a place where HR would make all personal problems public on the monthly bulletin. It worked and no one ever shirked or complained, one lad came in with an arm missing and ended up performing so well, the boss got another Aston Martin.

made up cobblers, yeah folk work better when personal issues are aired in public, load of fuckin rot

Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #21 on: May 18, 2020, 08:10:41 PM »
made up cobblers, yeah folk work better when personal issues are aired in public, load of fuckin rot

Did you go for the British racing green?

Fr.Bigley

  • Shall I boil this kettle dry?
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #22 on: May 18, 2020, 08:21:49 PM »
My favourite of this was with an Indian colleague, who I challenged a few years back.

"I am sad because Manchester United lost to Barcelona last night".

"Oh really?  What was the score?  I didn't watch it and I didn't realise you were a fan of either club.  Why does the result make you sad?"

"My script doesn't cover this"

"Right.  So how's the weather over there in India.  Warm?"

This is brilliant.

Fr.Bigley

  • Shall I boil this kettle dry?
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #23 on: May 18, 2020, 08:24:18 PM »
made up cobblers, yeah folk work better when personal issues are aired in public, load of fuckin rot

No it was indeed 100 percent true, Oliver reed was the uncle of or HR exec. Also we were told performance related bonuses could be paid in vouchers to go to space with bono.. are you numb?

rack and peanut

  • oh crap
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #24 on: May 18, 2020, 08:35:59 PM »
I'll probably be fired soon so I won't have to put up with this

Pingers

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Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #25 on: May 18, 2020, 09:28:37 PM »
Did Rachel get absolutely shamefully cunted and drag a passing stranger off the street and shag them? Wouldn't be the first time.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

  • In France we call it le bellend
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #26 on: May 18, 2020, 09:34:28 PM »
Oh Brenda! What are you like, you fucking bellend.

Dewt

  • The Fun House Grand Prix
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #27 on: May 18, 2020, 09:53:21 PM »
I watched the CEO of the place I work at make regular speeches about how we are all family and everyone working at the company would be welcome at Thanksgiving, Christmas etc.

and then fired five of them over the course of the next year and replaced them with actual family members

Tony Tony Tony

  • CaB Worm Charming Runner Up 2018-2020
Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #28 on: May 18, 2020, 10:08:03 PM »
It's Karen from Accounts birthday on Friday, and it's a biggie.

Any CaBbers who forget to wish her a great day will be forced to walk the streets wearing sackcloth and shall be roundly whipped.

Re: "We're all a family" Colleagues n shite
« Reply #29 on: May 18, 2020, 10:13:46 PM »
I could make a 'if you forget Karen's birthday, she'll speak to the manager' joke but I also want to make out I'm above it.

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